To cut toxic co-parent from my life?

[NinaJames]

So I'll try and make this short - but I guess I'm looking for similar experiences ...

Background:

Had DD with ex when I was 18 (he is 10 years older). After DD suffered PND and left with lasting anxiety - which eventually broke us up when DD was 4.

Throughout the relationship he made me feel inadequate (mainly due to the age difference) as did his parents and has always, what I know now to be, gaslighted me and made me feel crazy. When I split with him we agreed to co-parent and he would have DD every other weekend. Since then DD and I have been made homeless (whilst I was doing a law degree that said ex disagreed with me doing) lived in temporary accommodation for 18 months (whilst said ex had an empty 2 bed flat he owned which he refused to let me rent as temporary accommodation). He made me feel worthless for this.

Him and his family have always told me how I'm not good enough for one thing or another, either being homeless, not being there for my DD because of university/work (they think I shouldn't work) and for having anxiety issues - which do not impact my DD, only me.

I am now a trainee lawyer (6 months from qualifying), engaged, bought a house with my partner and am 37 weeks pregnant and the last few weeks he has really started being nasty again (usually I try and stay amicable, even to the extent of attending parents evenings at same times etc - though he still makes me request the child maintenance every Friday or he won't pay it etc etc)

AIBU.....

So as mentioned, DD lives with me and he has her every other weekend. Last weekend was my weekend (and of course Mother's Day). DD stayed with me Friday night then I took her training Saturday, after which she was going up to Wembley by coach with her football team to watch the friendly England match. My partner agreed to take DD as I'm heavily pregnant so did not want to sit on a coach for 3 hours / risk Covid at this late stage. I gave DDs dad the option to take her or said partner will. Ex said he would so he took her and dropped her home to us after.

Mother's Day I woke up with DD to a card that ex had bought her to give to me saying "from the family's favourite child" - clearly a dig as I'm pregnant. Anyway, parked that and took her to her football match. Then ex had asked DD to go to the BBQ at his mums house. DD clearly felt torn but I said she can do what she wants and it's fine (pissed off as he should've asked me first and I would've said no as arranged a meal with DD and my mum). Anyway, she went with her dad to the BBQ and he dropped her home later.

I then received a text saying how he was upset for DD that I didn't spend all mother's day with her?!!!! I ignored it for obvious reasons and just replied saying DD is happy and settled.

This weekend

This weekend is meant to be his weekend. I asked if he is getting DD from school. He said he is not and I will need to get her as he is working (runs own business). I asked that in future can he arrange his jobs on the 2 Fridays a month around school collection - bear in mind I do school pick up every other day of the month as any parent does. He then starts kicking off saying that he can't dictate when he gets to work and that I should move any plans I have etc.

Next, he says that he would've thought that I would want to spend time with DD and I didn't have her all last weekend. I pointed out that she stayed at home both weekend nights and he told me I was lying and she didn't and then said:

"😂 I'll bring another child into the world when I'm incapable of looking after the one I've already got"

So I have now blocked him and want to cut all contact.

AIBU to never speak to him again, go through the CSA and any contact in regards to DD (I.e., pick ups from his, his weekends etc) go through my partner to stop this gaslighting and control?

DD has a phone which she speaks to him on so her contact wouldn't be restricted, just mine?

Sorry for the long post - tried to keep it short, and TIA for any advice !!!

You could go to CMS but if he's self employed you may not get anything unfortunately.

I'd just grey rock all communication that isn't directly related ti arranging contact. You could use on r if the apps especially for parent contact so everything is in writing then you can block from your personal number

I can't help on this but totally well done you for getting a law degree with all of that shit being thrown at you.

I agree with pp - use an app for contact and grey rock anything that's not specifically about contact arrangements. Block him on everything. He sounds like a dick and you sound great

Sadly I suspect as he's self employed he will fiddle his earnings so that you get nothing through the cms so it depends on how much younare dependant on that money.

How old is dd?

In terms of contact I would contact him saying that you wish to formalise contact and that he will need to make arrangements to collect dd from school on his Fridays (whether that is him or someone else) and return her to school on Monday from now on. If he does not collect her you will assume he does not want contact that weekend.

I'd forget all the niceties of sharing football matches etc. If it's your weekend you sort it. If not leave him to it.

He's continuing to be an abusive teat and be controlling of your life. You need tonremove as much contact with him yourself as possible.

Thanks for all your responses.

I agree about grey rocking communication - it is unfortunate as I wanted DD to see a positive relationship and really have tried to ignore his rubbish throughout the years but I fear it'll get worse now I'm having another child and he will make me feel bad for it.

@LittleOwl153 -

DD is 10 so is capable of having communication with him on her own phone - in fact, I have already told him that if he wants to chat to DD during the week etc to call / text her phone. She also has unlimited minutes / texts so is able to call / text him back.

In terms of the money, fortunately I am not reliant on it.. and agree it's likely he may fiddle - but feel perhaps this will be a wake up for him that I do not wish to have any contact - even if I get nothing I hope it'll send a message?

With football I don't really have any control. I never go to DDs matches when they fall on his weekend, and when DD asks I just say that it's time for her and her dad to spend together one on one (he lives with his partner and her 2 DC so there isn't a lot of that). However, he is in the football club whatsapp group so knows when her matches are and just turns up - I sit with other mums and do not speak to him but he will often make DD feel torn like she has to go to him after the match to speak etc ... so I don't want her to feel uncomfortable and will stand near him at the end to make her feel less like she is choosing. Just a really horrible situation for her otherwise!!

Another congratulations on all that you have achieved. I think the advice to cut contact down to the minimum is a good one. Yes it was lovely of you to offer your ex the chance to accompany DD on her football trip but in future don’t, if you or your partner can then that’s what happens and it’s not even discussed. As for needing to check every fortnight if he will collect her from school, maybe this is one where you collect her and he comes to get her from your house at a time he can actually commit to, I know that one seems unfair but it also reduces the need for contact and so is your win in that way. It seems like you’ve been putting in the bigger share of effort to portray to your DD an amicable relationship with ex and also suffering the most because of it. You won’t be hurting your DD to just withdraw in these ways and will be greatly benefitting yourself. As for the money side I’d agree it’s difficult with him being self employed but wonder if using any sort of app could add reminders or something?

I totally understand why you feel the way you do but as a step parent honestly feel going through your partner would be too much to ask of them and likely to put strain on your relationship. I works stop communicating with him about anything non essential, and inform him that he needs to sort out school pick up if he isn't able to do it himself as you won't be covering for him. He needs to find someone else.

He sounds horrible and clearly jealous of things working out for you. Well done you for your achievements. Like PPs I would reduce contact to just arranging picks up and not even entertain/engage in anything else

He sounds a nightmare, respect to you getting as far as you have with yr studies. You are so strong. My x is a narc blamer so i know what it's like to be blamed and criticised for everything from the price of fish to the weather.

Unless you’re desperate for the money, I’d stop requesting the money every Friday and if it doesn’t turn up, go through the CSA. It’s just a way for him to control you otherwise.

I’d only respond to messages that require an answer and ignore everything else. Continue to make your DD available for him as per your usual contact but don’t bust a gut to ho beyond that as it doesn’t sound like he’d extend you the same treatment.

I meant go, not ho clearly!

Given you aren't dependant on the money I would ask today as usual. I would ring the CMS today/asap and get a claim in. Don't mention it to him. You will hear when he knows about it I am sure. When the calculation comes through tell him that you expect it direct debit and you will no longer remind him. Report each time he doesnt pay and then seek collect and pay.

In terms of contact I would absolutely go for the - he is responsible from 2pm Friday to 9am Monday on his weeks and keep out of it. Presumably she can ring you as easily as she can him if she needs you.

I would talk to DD about the football. How does she feel about you both turning up. Would it be easier for her if you just drop and collect and let him watch - or would that upset her. Go with what she wants. You're right it shouldn't be her dealing with it - but sadly she will take some of it whilst things get resolved. Tell her that you are ok with her going to speak to him if he shows up - but that she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to either. Try you best to treat him as the dad of one of her teammates that you don't know.

I think cutting as much contact with him as you can is the answer. He won't like it though as you are his little play thing to annoy and wind up when it suits him so expect him to squeal!