Please help me out with my badly behaved toddler

[Badlybehavedtoddler]

My toddler is a wonderful, affectionate, caring, friendly boy but his behaviour is awful. He goes to nursery twice a week for the mornings, toddlers once week, and we do things throughout the week like the park or soft play. He isn’t talking yet (he’s just turning 2) and he just doesn’t listen to anything and finds being told off funny.

He throws things constantly and no matter how many times we tell him no, no thank you, please stop it, or explain why it’s not okay to throw things, taking things away, he will just not stop, he’ll find something else to throw.

He’s recently started smacking me and finds this funny, today he started kicking me. He was at nursery the other day and apparently hit a child. I have no idea where this has come from.

We are very caring, chilled parents (as in, we don’t shout or raise our voices), and we try to help him learn but he just doesn’t listen.

I’m so worried his behaviour is just going to keep worsening and he’s going to be the child no parent wants at their kids’ parties.

I work from home and my partner is a stay-at-home dad, so he has lots of attention and is stimulated. We try to do our best always and love him so much but it’s becoming really difficult to take him anywhere when he just throws everything and doesn’t listen.

Any advice from super nannies out there?!!

He sounds pretty normal to me. I have two kids both fairly different at that age. Ds didn't hit or kick, but dd hit in anger or just for fun and would laugh like it was a big joke. Both of them are lovely and well behaved (most of the time) these days.

My advice is to be consistent as much as you can. They get there in the end. Don't be afraid of showing that you are angry (change of tone of voice etc) sometimes that works, and other times ignoring the behaviour and disengaging from them works.

Toddlers are hard work, their whole life is about seeing where the boundaries are. Just make sure your boundaries are strong and he will learn them over time.

It really is a stage. You just have to wait for it to pass. If you are clear and consistent in your parenting (a stern 'no' and then remove him from the fun), he will eventually get the message. It will get easier as his communication improves.

You do have to follow through though and sometimes it is painful...I remember having to walk over a mile home in the pouring rain with my then 3yo because they were refusing to sit nicely on the bus and I'd threatened that we'd get off if they kept climbing on the seats. I only have to threaten once now for them to behave though .

Thank you both this is reassuring!

I don't have any real advice in relation to the kicking and hitting etc I'm sorry, it sounds tough but hopefully will be a passing phase like most children, but I once read something online which stuck with me about throwing items, and instead of constantly saying 'no' etc, try to provide him with items he 'can' throw and identify them as 'safe' items but also making it Into a game ie throwing this 'allowed'ball into the bucket, or going outside and throwing specific 'safe' items onto a chalk target etc.

Whether it works on not, I don't know, I have an 18mo and when we get to the stage, this is how I imagine I would combat it.

Just remember your toddlers behaviour is not who they are. He is not badly behaved. He is pretty normal and learning what will get attention! My main advise is ignore the bad and praise the good. Don't say no, instead tell him what to do and distract with something else.

Don't be afraid to raise your voice if he hits or kicks you.
A very clear NO and pitting him in a 'naughty 'corner for a minute will hopefully get the message through.

It really is such a common phase. But here's a couple of suggestions that might be useful.

Look up schemas, lots of info online. There are ways to redirect some of these actions into more positive experiences. Schematic, repetitive play is a common part of early learning so you get the constant throwing, dropping, collecting etc. Can he kick a ball instead, hit a pillow etc? Learn that some things can be hit/kicked/thrown but others cannot. Can he have times where these experiences are planned into his day? And where adults join in too to enhance the fun and really promote the idea that getting this experience in more acceptable ways is a really positive thing.

And also consider that young children really benefit from short and clear information. Literally one or two words at a time. And ideally framed positively and constructively. So instead of saying e.g "No stop kicking mummy please, that hurts." try, "Stop...kick the ball". In early years we are often taught that young children really only receive the last part of a message, so it's worth bearing in mind what they're hearing.

It sounds like he really wants to throw things. You can't stop him wanting to throw things BUT you can redirect him to throw things that aren't an issue. Get some lightweight foam toys that he can throw safely and if he tries to throw other things, redirect him to the safe toys. It's much easier to let them explore their impulses in a safe way rather than trying to stop them altogether!

Some good advice from winniesanderson.
It sounds like your son has a trajectory schema, help him channel it in a more positive way.

I came on to post pretty much what @Ionlydomassiveones has advised.
If you're always calm and chill in the face of this behaviour, he has no way to recognise the difference between good behaviour and bad. They meet with the same tone of poice/body language/whatever. Toddlers don't get subtlety, and particularly as he's not verbal yet, his language understanding is unlikely to be up to the language of reasoning.

You actually DO need to raise your voice. Not scream or yell, but a loud "NO! You hurt me!" with a facial expression to go with it, is what he needs to realise that this is different from your play voice or your calming voice. Don't go into long explanations or reasoning. Simply "NO. No hitting/kicking. And don't be afraid to physically move him to where you need him to be/away from what he's doing.
It does my head in when parents just yell "come away from that" over and over, while their kid ignores them, when saying it once and removing them at the same time, actually demonstrates and reinforces the behaviour they want.

Sometimes you do need to use a strict voice. I'm not saying scream or shout but he needs to understand when he does something unacceptable.

He's nearly two and not verbal yet? He may be frustrated that he cant communicate. . Also, "very caring, chilled parents (as in, we don’t shout or raise our voices)" reads as code words for permissive parenting to me. you can be chilled and gentle, while still having boundaries. i would suggest thinking about what messages are you communicating to your little boy....... how are you expressing what behaviour you do and do not expect?

finally! Beware of too much attention! I think this can become over stimulating and stifling for little ones

My main advise is ignore the bad and praise the good. Don't say no, instead tell him what to do and distract with something else I find it genuinely interesting how differently we all believe the best way to parent is. I teach primary and know I'm seen in the school community as a very kind teacher, perhaps too much of a soft touch, yet I fundamentally disagree with this. I really think small children do need to be told no. Praise the good of course, but say no when needed, particularly with things like kicking - for me kicking's a complete no go. The friends I have with a more gentle approach do not seem to have well-behaved children at age 4. But it's so hard to know what is the right thing, or whose children will be the most well adjusted at an older age.

Don't underestimate the value of sleep.

A tired toddler is a toddler from hell.

A very firm no, a brief explanation why and a swift redirect is appropriate for that age. I don’t believe in yelling either but you do need to use a different tone in order to effectively communicate. So ‘NO, we do not hit, it hurts mummy’ and physically move him away. Or ‘NO, we do not throw, we don’t want to break our toys’, take said toy away and redirect to another activity. None of it’s abnormal, he is still learning, but it’s your job to teach him.

@BoodleBug51

Don't underestimate the value of sleep.

A tired toddler is a toddler from hell.

this is so true! Also, decent food, hydration and open space in the fresh air.

Mum of two boys here.
Use distraction when possible - have a bucket and some bean bags for throwing and get him to do that . Make it clear that he can throw the bean bags into the bucket but not a book at the tv.
If he ignores you, use the stern voice and simple words - no, we don’t throw books. If he keeps going, you take him away from the scene, whether in the house or out. You have to be prepared to take him home early from soft play etc , calmly but firmly, saying if you throw balls at other children we go home. Don’t get embarrassed if you’re there with friends - if you need to leave, you leave. If they’re good friends they will understand.
He’s testing what he can get away with and you have to be firm and consistent.

You need to be sterner and don't give big long explanations. A quick sharp no and a small punishment will get the message across. In my opinion chilled parenting isn't very effective.

Sounds like normal toddler behaviour to me.

If my toddler hits me in any way, I will tell her 'i will not allow you to hit me' and I will maintain a distance between us so she cannot physically hit me. After a minute or so I will ask if she would like a cuddle and then we move on with the day.

If he is throwing stuff he shouldn't be, again 'I will not allow you to throw that' and physically remove it from him so he can't give in to temptation. I would offer him an alternative though if throwing is his thing. Sometimes instead of throwing, rolling a ball to each other is enough. Or we get a soft ball and play catch.

Just remember to give short, clear instructions. They don't listen at that age so you have to make things really short. He is learning all the time by watching your behaviour, you dont need to try and teach him, he is learning all the time. If he is throwing something he shouldn't be, pick something else up and be engrossed in it and see what he does. You may find his curiosity takes over

Short clear NO and if it happens again immediate consequences. Boundaries and limits make kids feel safe and secure. 2 is too young to understand explanations.

Like everyone's said, a clear stern NO is so.etimes needed when they are doing something dangerous and unsafe.

If I say NO more than once the consequence is the naughty step for 2 minutes (DD is 2 for a minute for every year). If she doesn't sit on the naughty step and starts throwing a tantrum which can become more dangerous I calmly take her to her room and shut the baby gate I have on her bedroom door. I walk away into my room and say when you have calmed down mummy will come and speak to you. She continues the tantrum for another minute or so then shouts " I'm finished". I then go in kneel so I'm at her height and explain the reason for the naughty step/ bedroom timeout. I ask her to tell me the reason back and to apologise and we cuddle and make friends.

She does the naughty step with her barbie when barbie is being nasty to Ken but it does work for us