To be doubting new relationship due to him 'not having his shit together '

[army2426]

Hey!

So I've been separated for about a year from ex husband ( narcissist, abuser ) and started dating a guy a few months ago. We don't get to see each other that much due to him working nights and my lack of childcare but we face time most nights and have been on a few nice dates.

We got on really well, we get each other's banter and laugh a lot. He's very affectionate and loving and I fancy him A LOT - sex is great etc. We're really just enjoying each other's company and it's been really nice.

The only thing I am a bit concerned about is he doesn't have his shit together at all. We're both mid 30's both have kids. I have my own house and car , he lives with his mum and drives but doesn't have a car , I have my own business whereas he has no real ambitions ( which actually I'm not overly bothered about in fairness ) he can also be a bit irresponsible sometimes.

It's been playing on my mind that our lives are just worlds apart. This isn't about money for me at all but I do worry that eventually it'll become a bit tiresome. I've had similar relationships years ago and I just can't be arsed with the same again if he's relying on me all the time. ( I don't mean financially he has his own money but in other ways )

Do you think AIBU thinking this?

What are the reasons for his situation?

Does he live with his mum because he wants to carry on facilitating his children's pre-break up lifestyle... paying for their home, schooling, activities, childcare etc. Does he live with his mum to support her and help towards her expenses, or save money so he can better support his kids? Is he carless because he didn't want to deprive his children of the car and he can easily use public transport for his own travel? May be his 'lack of ambition' is just that he is content with his lot in life.

There are some very commendable reasons why someone might live that way....

Alternatively he could be a feckless cocklodger who has you in his sights as a bit of a meal ticket.

If you have doubts don’t let it go any further, you risk carrying him throughout your relationship and eventually having a cocklodger. It boils resentment and anger eventually, been there done that.
However if he is great in general and you do want to stay together but it’s a case of circumstances not laziness I’d bring it up with him and go from there. Not everyone is ambitious, and men living with their parents can be immature with the lack of responsibility, but doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t change or won’t be good partners. From my experience it isn’t worth it though if you’re already unsure.

So basically he's at his mums because he works so much and says there's no point paying for a place when he's never there. Which I get.

He has use of a work van a lot of the time tbf and just says he's grab train or whatever if he wants to go away but has said he needs to sort a car. Tbf he does work a lot and don't think he gets a lot of time to sort these things.

I just can't be arsed with the same again

You've answered your own question.

Don't settle.

For me personally summing it up - if you don't see him a lot etc it seems like this is good for both of you right now but not sure about going forward and a few other things you haven't clarified.

What does your boyfriend want out of this relationship? Is he happy to carry on as it is or does he want more?

My current boyfriend works some days on weekends (he's a driver/chauffeur) but he's been doing this job for the past 6 years and is fed up of this as it means it impacts not only on seeing me but also his family. He's said he wants it to end and either wants another job or to start his own business.

Firstly not boyfriend 🤣 but yes we have discussed and I think working nights suited him whilst single but he would like to get a day job and has said about sorting one out - I guess, it's a case of seeing how things progress and having these conversations and seeing where he see's us / him going and then working out if we're on the same page etc.

His reasons for not bothering with a car seem pretty rational to me. A car is expensive to buy, run, tax and insure, and if he has the use of a vehicle at work, all that would be a lot of money to spend on something he would barely use. I would maybe wonder a bit about him living with his mum - there's absolutely nothing wrong with that (one of my siblings lives with our mum!) but I think 'I'm not at home much so there's no point' is a slightly odd reason for not wanting his own place. 'I can't afford to rent/buy a place on my own' / 'I'm saving up for a deposit' / 'I'm not keen on living alone and I get on really well with my mum; she doesn't interfere or anything' / 'Mum's place is really near work and in a nicer area than I could get on my own' would all be fine, but I am slightly wondering if she just does everything for him.