AIBU to wonder why parents are acting differently towards me?

[chatterbug22]

In 20s, moving into first home next week with my partner. The move is long overdue for lots of reasons. Just have to fix a few defects in the build and we are in. So excited to start our future and have our first home as a little family.

Over the last few days it feels like my mum has been picking fights, and only with me. Lots of comments are being made like ‘well, nobody will insist on you drying your washing immediately in your house!!!!!’ and ‘I’m sure your house will ALWAYS be tidy’

I work from home and I popped downstairs for to make a brew and out of nowhere I had, ‘your bedroom looks like a homeless person’s, it’s vile’. It was definitely not meant as banter, more trying to work me up to react. It did upset me as what else do you expect from someone who’s working full time and packing everything they own into cardboard boxes in the morning? The state of the place at the minute is causing me stress because I am usually quite tidy but have too many things and too little space.

I even apologised and said I could understand why that might be upsetting and this just made her air more grudges, apparently I cooked something last week that didn’t smell very nice and that makes me inconsiderate and ungrateful.

It all seems petty and confusing to say the least. Instead of rising to it I am trying to understand where the behaviour is coming from - it feels like resistance, I am wondering if perhaps she is adapting to the idea that she will no longer have adult children at home?

Can anyone shed any light or thoughts on it? I want to be there for her and support her but the communication is not very good.

She’s sad you’re going!
Doesn’t excuse why she’s being so awful but it sounds like she will really miss having you around.

Yes, she's subconsciously trying to convince herself that she'll be glad when you're gone.

@Excited101 @merryhouse thank you, I thought it might be reasons like this. I will try and be a bit more compassionate rather than reactive. No use in me letting it work me up, when I could just try and understand better where it’s coming from. They have been really supportive but it is hurtful because I’m being called ungrateful, inconsiderate when I’ve not stopped saying thank you and have confessed I feel guilty for all the back and forth they’re doing helping the move

Also possibly a bit worried that you're not ready for the responsibilities of your own place - all the comments you've mentioned are about things that would make a home less pleasant.

She's almost certainly not articulated any of this even to herself; and it will probably stop once you're settled.

Can you suggest you set a date to have them round for dinner? (something she likes, obviously )

@merryhouse that’s a fab idea.
Will do that when the kitchen is all set up.

I feel as if I’m portrayed as untidy here, yet I always get comments from others about how organised and clean I am and like to keep things. Parents have very high standards which I quite like, but sometimes it’s even as far as them thinking anyone who doesn’t wash the cooking pans before eating the dinner they’ve just cooked is a bit lazy.

Yes, the chances are she's sad that the OP is going but that doesn't excuse it.

I don't really understand why this sort of behaviour has to be acceptable and excused because it's likely she's sad or is going to miss the OP.

It's nasty and she's lashing out because things aren't going to be the way she wants them to be.

Thankfully, most children grow up and leave home, which is a good thing as they are creating their own lives and homes.

If she can't deal with it she needs to give herself a talking, to not keep biting OP's head off.

You sound like a really kind, compassionate person OP, you don't deserve to be made to feel as if you're doing something wrong.