AIBU wanting to distance myself..

[Beautifulmonster87]

I have a friend who is draining the life out of me. She is a very negative person and although has some health issues, seems reluctant to help herself. We rarely meet in person as she always has a reason to cancel but seems to want the support via text and I just don't want to be her crutch anymore. I have my own MH issues and I am getting therapy for them, I have advised she does too many times and chatted at length about how she could help herself but she just brushes it under the carpet yet still moans to me.

She is one of these who will share negative depressing posts on FB/IG if someone has died (i.e. even a celeb she doesn't know) sending love to their family etc. She takes things to heart about people she doesn't know, like she goes looking for negative things!

We have a girls holiday in July and I cannot wait, there's quite a few of us going for my friends 40th birthday. She's worrying about it, about being away from her DH? About the flight (not scared of flying though) and generally making it depressing for me. I cannot wait it's my first holiday in 6 years and she's just putting a downer on it.

I try and distance myself from her by not responding to the negative parts of her texts etc but she just doesn't seem to get the hint. I see a text flash up on my phone and i'm immediately annoyed! She brings nothing to my life and I realise how much I enjoy the company of uplifting happy people! I might sound mean but it's been nearly ten years of this and I am done.. help.. what would you do?

Bumping as really want some advise on how other people would manage this!!

I am in a similar situation.

I have reduced contact a lot and I keep my text responses supportive but short.

I dont bother giving advice anymore as the person doesn't actually want advice.

Some people are a lost cause unfortunately.

Its really difficult as you can't help people who won't help themselves. The only thing you can do is tell her. One thing I've learnt about depression is that its contagious and spreads like a rot if unchecked. I know this will offend people, but its my experience.
Someone close to me is a little like this, struggles with anxiety and likes to focus on negatives and hunt out depressing stories. I quickly learned to tell them I don't mind helping through a problem, but don't come to me to cry about a strangers tragic story. Self preservation is important.
You can't uninvite her to your holiday but you need to unfollow your friend on social media and tell her not to text anything negative. Blame your therapist if you like, tell her your gp or councillor has forbidden negativity.

Distance yourself, if you don't have to reply to her texts. I have a friend whose similar and I can go a few days weeks of not replying and I'll just say "sorry only just seen your message!" And then keep it to a postive message if she replies being negative I change the subject and if she continues to be negative I stop replying.
Sounds mean but it does get to you when it's constant.

Every time she says something negative about the holiday i would pick her up on it e.g. 'stop moaning/being negative - im looking forward to it and you're making it less fun!'

This is a tricky one. I had the same with a friend who I really really liked, but she was SO negative and always complaining about her life (which frankly was pretty good). She ignored advice from everyone, refused to take responsibility, and went round and round in circles.

I tried talking to her to no avail. Eventually she did my head in so I called an end to the friendship which was a real shame. People like that are energy-sappers.

@PutinIsAWarCriminal

Its really difficult as you can't help people who won't help themselves. The only thing you can do is tell her. One thing I've learnt about depression is that its contagious and spreads like a rot if unchecked. I know this will offend people, but its my experience. Someone close to me is a little like this, struggles with anxiety and likes to focus on negatives and hunt out depressing stories. I quickly learned to tell them I don't mind helping through a problem, but don't come to me to cry about a strangers tragic story. Self preservation is important. You can't uninvite her to your holiday but you need to unfollow your friend on social media and tell her not to text anything negative. Blame your therapist if you like, tell her your gp or councillor has forbidden negativity.

Totally this!! It’s that I struggle with my MH too but I keep it in check and help myself. I don’t need someone bringing. Thing is… she then does the opposite and texts to say ‘love you bestie’ and it actually makes me feel a bit sick! It’s almost like the opposite and my husband said it’s controlling to make me feel guilty!

@thisplaceisweird

Every time she says something negative about the holiday i would pick her up on it e.g. 'stop moaning/being negative - im looking forward to it and you're making it less fun!'

I really keep trying this. I don’t want to be blunt as she then gets upset! I am a grown woman with children and a life of my own to run and don’t have time for other people’s issues all the time! It’s really hard work and not a ‘friendship’ if you ask me!!

Send her a message saying you are going to start using your phone less for your own mental health but are happy to meet up in person.

Tell her you are having to make some changes to support your own MH. On the advice of your therapist, you won’t be engaging in negative conversations and will be limiting phone and social media use. She may be upset, but that’ll just have to be got through. You have to decide if it’s more important to distance yourself from this friendship or avoid feeling temporary guilt/discomfort from not giving her what she wants. She doesn’t give you what you want, does she?

Have you discussed this with your therapist?

@SparklingLime

Tell her you are having to make some changes to support your own MH. On the advice of your therapist, you won’t be engaging in negative conversations and will be limiting phone and social media use. She may be upset, but that’ll just have to be got through. You have to decide if it’s more important to distance yourself from this friendship or avoid feeling temporary guilt/discomfort from not giving her what she wants. She doesn’t give you what you want, does she?

Have you discussed this with your therapist?

This is so true and a good idea. She’s the type that will get upset then go to the opposite end of the scale saying she loves me and is having a wonderful day but it’s fake! Not discussed with therapist yet but I definitely need to!!

I would drop her.

What on earth are you getting out of this friendship? She never meets up, always cancels, drains you and makes you feel low and depressed. There is no point to continue.

If for the sake of the holiday (which I am fairly sure she will pull out) keep things nice, but pull back and stop replying and slowly phase her out. Life is far far far too short for dementors!

It is interesting to reflect on why she is still even in your life....discuss with therapist at length - lack of boundaries? Lack of self regard as she is bad for you? Why is she still in your life is the biggest question, as most people will have dropped her by now!

Tbh i’d give it to her straight. I’d say she is consistently negative and it’s become a personality trait of hers and that it drains you. This happened to me once, when a couple of friends complained to me I was always in some kind of dramatic situation. There were reasons for it (I had quite severe trauma) and to be fair there were a lot of people doing really negative things to me. However it did make me realise I had to make changes and deal with my life in a different way.

She might be able to hear what you’re saying and make a change and she might not and you have to end the friendship. But you don’t have to continue to be around someone who is an active negative presence in your life. You’re not her counsellor - tell her that and that she needs professional help, not to use her friends as vessels to dump her negativity.

In a similar situation, following with interest.

Her name doesn't begin with K does it? Because I swear you could be describing my friend here!

It's so hard. I try to pull back a little but then she just seems so, so miserable when we meet in a group, because she has no other close friends.

I don't know what to do.

You're not responsible for her. Repeat that as often as you need to to remind yourself. The fact that you dread hearing from her is hardly a sign of a healthy relationship. Don't say your therapist told you to limit phone use, please, just own it and say you are stepping back. You just don't want that much moaning in your life, so make a choice and back off from her. Stop engaging, tell her you are just excited by the holiday. When she sends you texts about how much she loves you, just don't engage with them either.

Thing is… she then does the opposite and texts to say ‘love you bestie’ and it actually makes me feel a bit sick! It’s almost like the opposite and my husband said it’s controlling to make me feel guilty!

Your husband is absolutely right. It’s really manipulative.

@LindaEllen

Her name doesn't begin with K does it? Because I swear you could be describing my friend here!

It's so hard. I try to pull back a little but then she just seems so, so miserable when we meet in a group, because she has no other close friends.

I don't know what to do.

No it’s a ‘S’ There’s clearly alot these people who are draining!

S? I think me and you may have the same friend problem! 😳

Tell her straight.