To put a 4 year old back in nappies?

[Rubbishmum300]

My friend decided to do this saying that potty training has become a power struggle recently and she wants a break for both of them. Her DC was out of daytime nappies since age 2 but they had lots of ups and downs and currently the DC doesn’t want to cooperate at all. Do you think it’s a good idea or will it make things even harder in the long run?

Thanks for all the replies! So it’s definitely not about the mum being lazy and I’m anything but judgemental. We’re very good friends and we ask each other’s opinion all the time when it comes to our DCs. This time I said I genuinely had no idea if this was the right thing to do but if it makes them both happier then it might be.

The DC had a lot of success with using the potty even a bit before age 2 and was nighttime dry almost all nights then. Things have changed and they struggled loads afterwards, sometimes she thought they cracked it, then lots of regression. She says this time around DC was very happy for putting back the nappies.

I don’t think it’s a bladder problem as the DC likes to deliberately urinate in the wrong place, like a shoebox and then giggle, she says it’s about being defiant, so there’s no point struggling any more. I don’t know, she could be right.

I don’t think it’s a bladder problem as the DC likes to deliberately urinate in the wrong place, like a shoebox and then giggle, she says it’s about being defiant, so there’s no point struggling any more. I don’t know, she could be right.

So it’s not really a potty training issue in the sense that he knows when he needs a wee, and can control his bladder enough to get to a shoebox or whatever. It’s more a behavioural issue and while I can see it being a total nightmare, I’m not sure nappies would be the solution. For starters, wouldn’t he just remove them and wee anyway?

She needs to change the narrative. There are underlying problems that are not about toilet training. Stop the emphasis on training and move it onto positive behaviour management.

Stay in pants not nappies.

Structure the environment, place and activity, to reduce opportunity for conflict and misbehaviour.

Do love bombing, look up positive parenting on Google. There's a dr laura someone who is good, AHA parenting.

If it’s about defiance and attention seeking then the best thing she can possibly do is ignore it all entirely. It’s literally the only thing that will work. If the child wets/soils then they have to change and clean themselves. Absolutely no way back into nappies, your friend needs to take the lead and parent this- not flip flop around.

the DC likes to deliberately urinate in the wrong place, like a shoebox and then giggle, she says it’s about being defiant, so there’s no point struggling any more. I don’t know, she could be right.

So it's got nothing to do with nappies or no nappies. It's a misbehaviour, not a struggle with toilet training. Although telling a 4yo that they'll have to go into nappies like a baby if they can't use the toilet might work? Although I don't think it's a healthy technique.

@CaptainWentworth She's just reacting to her new sibling, I know it's frustrating for you but try to just calmly meet each accident with 'let's keep your pants dry next time'. Scrap all the rewards/punishments etc and focus on special one to one time with your big girl. Games that involve her being a baby might be a success too. You'll get through it

(On a side note, I find that there are some kids that do tend to regress with toileting whenever there's an upset. Some kids shout a lot, some kids cry a lot, some kids wet themselves. It's just a tiny way of exerting power in a world in which they can otherwise feel quiet powerless.)

So they are both happier when the nappies are back on apparently. I have no idea how you could leave a 4 year old to just clean up after an “accident”, weird advice. Especially if the DC is not bothered by sitting in wet pants.

If it’s about behaviour management surely she’s realised he could just take the nappy off and wee etc? My 1 year olds can get their nappies off...much better to sort out the behaviour issue rather than cause another toileting one

I honestly think it’s best to let other people think about their kids’ toilet training - your input isn’t really needed.

You just never know what’s going on. My son was in nappies at four - now 8 and diagnosed with autism and in underpants. Different children have different milestones and it’s enough work (in my opinion) worrying about your own children’s milestones without examining other people’s.

Also at four my son used to do very similar things ie take off his clothes and urinate on them while laughing/urinate in inappropriate places. There can be many reasons for behaviour like that. Regardless I’d let her worry about it herself - if she’s not vexed enough to post asking for advice then I wouldn’t let it stress you out.

So like I said the DC is happy to keep the nappies on and wees and poos in them. She says its better then what they had going on before, when there was just wee and poo everywhere.

You’re right it’s not my problem, it’s just she asked my opinion and I really didn’t know what to say. I guess it’s never an easy decision with potty training.

Just chill out. All children are different. Leave people to do it their own way. Our boys went straight from nappies to the toilet, think they were both about 3 yrs. of course there are accidents but smile, encourage & move on.

I think boys in general take longer to potty train than girls. I send my 3 y/o to nursery in a pull up in the mornings if he hasn’t had a poo otherwise he just shits his pants. He’s doing really well with wees, and if we are at home I can spot the signs of him wanting a poo (he hides behind something or stands in a specific place behind his dining chair), so can put him on the toilet. In nursery they must be too busy to notice or something. I’ve lost count of the pairs of undies they’ve said they’ve chucked (I just dump the big bits of poop in the loo and rinse off the rest in a bucket and stick them in the wash).
He’s also quite bad when he’s tired, will quite literally pee his pants 30 seconds after being asked if he needs a wee. He’s not due to start school until Sept next year so I’m hoping he’’ll be sorted by then!

I think it would be none of my business.

@madamegazelleband

You cant always know what issues a child may have. Lits of disabilities arent picked up till later.
1 of mine cracked poos on the loo by 2, but would wet themselves still at 7 and wasnt dry at night till older still.
Turns out after much pressuring for assessment that neurodiverse and other issues were going on.
1 child dry day and night by 2 and half but major issues with poo still at 6. Withheld at school so not an issue for school but there is a smell and stain on undies that are continually soiled which means they often need replacing.

In general parents are doing the best they can and outsiders often have no idea of other peoples challenges. Professionals are often the worse at offering support

My DS used to wee himself on purpose in a temper for a short time but never went back to nappies.

What will they do about school?

My son was 5 nearly 6, when he started wetting the bed after being dry since he was 2 and a half. He also became difficult to leave at school, and would follow me home! I was pregnant with my second child and had threatened miscarriages, involving stays in hospital, then Ds2 was born at 32 weeks and we had to leave him in hospital for a month, the day he came home and we were a settled family again, the bed wetting stopped immediately.

I wouldn't like to see children in nappies at aged 4. It will be a never ending thing, if you don't get to grips with toilet training, as the child will keep wanting to wear nappies as an everyday thing that happens all the time.

You never know how some people will be dealing with potty training in their homes,, they might just give up with the frustration of not having any quick results, and just let things slide, instead of having the needed, long time patience required for some results.

Er, thanks for that op.
It’s easy, they strip off wet clothes and put in laundry basket, use wet wipes to
Wipe clean, then put on clean and dry clothes. Hardly ‘weird’ and something that’s very possible.

I don’t think it’s a bladder problem as the DC likes to deliberately urinate in the wrong place, like a shoebox and then giggle, she says it’s about being defiant, so there’s no point struggling any more. I don’t know, she could be right.

If the child is peeing where he shouldn’t out of defiance he will just find some other way to act up if his mum puts a nappy on him. She needs to work out why he’s being defiant and think of ways to correct his behaviour.

We had something similar- lots of accidents with our four year old after he'd been perfectly dry day and night for months.

Things that helped for us- if he wet his pants he got no more juice or squash that day, only water (which he was sad about but wasn't hardcore punishing)
We took him shopping to pick special pants he was excited about- these turned out to be Thomas the Tank Engine for him. We'd put them on and remind him not to get Thomas dirty- he seemed to take that to heart and try harder not to!
He had a reward chart which we bought from Amazon- each successful trip he put another person on the bus, when the bus was full (ten people) he got to lucky dip a small present (a new piece of play food)
At a different time to the reward chart, he got one chocolate button per toilet trip. This did work quite well until he worked out he could pee a little, get a button, go back etc. that's when we moved to the chart.

Other than that, just reminding him to go a lot, or saying it was the rule everyone had to go before we left the house/ got ice creams or whatever during the day, and making mummy and daddy go too so he didn't feel singled out eliminated a lot of the accidents from him being too distracted by his play.

Also with the peeing in a box, I doubt it is defiance. Unless she is looking her mum dead in the eye while she does it! I think it's normal for some children to experiment with peeing into containers, we found our son doing something similar into bowls in the living room. I think for him it was just an extension of water curiosity/ play generally. Still horribly gross of course !