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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I have gone over there?

13 replies

softygirl · 31/03/2022 11:14

So my (now ex)boyfriend and I had a few words over WhatsApp about him being selfish and putting himself first which he admitted to. I got angry and even though I was supposed to be seeing him after work I told him I wasn't going to come.

A few hours later and I realise nothing will get resolved if I don't do something so I send him a few more messages on WhatsApp putting my side but he ignores them. So after work I decide I'll go over to see him as planned to talk about it face to face.

I message him as I'm getting on the bus that I'm coming over and he instantly responds with "no you're not". I'm on the bus/paid for my ticket already at this point so I tell him I left my earnings and a ring at his place (which I did) and I want to come and get them and also talk to him. He says no. While I'm on the bus he gets in his car and drives to my place to put the jewelry in my post box.

Meanwhile I arrive at his building and he's still messaging saying he doesn't want to see me. We have an exchange on messages with him asking me to leave and me saying "no I want to talk to you and sort this out". He tells me he is going for a walk and he won't be back for a while. Then he says he won't come back until I leave, so I tell him if he won't talk to me then our relationship is over (in truth it's a situationship as he's not met any of my friends or family and we mainly stay in watching Netflix).

He says fine it's over so I leave.

When I message him later he tells me my behaviour turning up when he said no was mental and I'm a stalker. He said he was sitting in his car the whole time and saw me get let in to his building by a neighbour coming in (it was cold where I was waiting for him)

Was I wrong to go over there and not leave when he told me to the first time? I was there about 40 minutes messaging back and forth

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 31/03/2022 11:17

If the sexes were reversed everyone would be telling him to phone the Police. You were absolutely wrong and should learn to respect other people's boundaries. I hope that he is making your breakup clear to his neighbours so you aren't let into the building again. You need to grow up.

AHungryCaterpillar · 31/03/2022 11:20

Yes you shouldn’t have and I agree if it was a man people would be advising you to call the police.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 31/03/2022 11:20

He asked you not to go, you made up a reason to go, you didn't leave when he asked, you managed to get into his building (the one he wasn't letting you in) and stayed for 40 minutes knowing he didn't want you there... yip you were very unreasonable.

LutherRalph1 · 31/03/2022 11:22

What @Ponoka7 said

YWBU

Philisophigal · 31/03/2022 11:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

incognitoforthisone · 31/03/2022 11:24

You can't just force someone to talk about something and 'sort this out' if they don't want to. Clearly he didn't want to thrash it out with you and have another argument. And no, you absolutely shouldn't have gone over to see him when he'd made it clear he didn't want to see you and you shouldn't have sat there for forty minutes trying to get your own way. Fine to expect your jewellery to be returned to you, but he had clearly had no issue with doing that, so the only reason you turned up at his place was to force him to talk when he didn't want to.

Girlmum91 · 31/03/2022 11:25

Sorry to say it but yes, your behaviour does come across as very stalkerish and creepy. As another person has said, if roles were reversed everyone would be saying to call the police. It's over and he definitely doesn't want to see you so you need to accept this and move on with dignity.

freedomhereicome · 31/03/2022 11:26

No.

If I'd said no to someone but they ignored me and got into my building to wait for me I would be livid. Fuck I'd have called the police.

He said no.

AllOfUsAreDead · 31/03/2022 11:29

@Ponoka7

This. Grow up and get over it, you're over, move on. And try not to do this in future.

BrimFullOfAsher · 31/03/2022 11:34

So to summarise:

You had 'words' where he agreed with you that he had been selfish and put himself first, then (out of spite?) you decide you're going to cancel plans you had that night.

But you didn't get the response you wanted so you decided you would change your mind again and still go round despite him categorically saying he didn't want you to, and even takes the left items to your house. Yet you still insist on hanging around his home and being let in by someone else despite him STILL saying he doesn't want to speak to you and to please leave?

Original poster

softygirl · 31/03/2022 11:46

Thankyou all, I have apologised to my ex and realised I have been a nightmare. I will work on respecting boundaries more and although I didn't do this maliciously and was genuinely gutted I couldn't see him it's no excuse.

Thankyou for your honest answers

OP posts:

Divebar2021 · 31/03/2022 11:50

I think it’s a shame that whole relationships are decided on a WhatsApp. How anyone can think that important emotional matters can be determined in that way is beyond me.

Babadook76 · 31/03/2022 11:52

Jesus Christ. What an attention seeking nightmare are you? You clearly thrive off aggro and drama, when you don’t get the response or attention you want, you find another way to try and kick off at him. Do him a favour and stop all of these petty mind games. I’d be running for the hills if I was him!

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