To walk away from relationship because of his ex and kids

[FeelLost12]

Hi everyone!
I hope you are all well. I am reaching out for some support from you lovely Mumsnetters.

I am going to start off by saying that this is not a reverse and not personally about me. However, it’s affecting someone very close to me and I am just not sure how to advise. 😢

I have tried to help as much as I can but I just think she needs to walk away from this relationship as it is quickly turning toxic.
So this is what’s happening:
Person A meets and marries an older incredibly wealthy gentleman. There is a significant age gap (think 25 years). Prior to the marriage, she was warned by everyone that this would be a complex relationship because of (a) the large age difference, (b) because of the incredible wealth of her partner and the difference in incomes and assets and (c) because he has children from his previous marriage.
Person A is not a bad person or a gold digger, but she has had a very tough life and she is very naive when it comes to romantic relationships (this is very significant as I personally do not think her partner’s wealth was the main motivator here). Her husband is a genuinely kind man and they are well matched in terms of personality and intelligence.

They dated for 3 years prior to marrying and in that time she developed a good relationship with his children, his family and even his ex-wife. Unfortunately - after marriage, these relationships deteriorated overnight. She still has an excellent relationship with her husband’s family, but unexpected problems soon emerged with his ex-wife and her husband’s children. Please note that she was not the OW and only meet her husband 6 years after his divorce.

It seems like overnight, Person A has become the ex-wife’s personal nemesis. She has been accused of being a gold digger and trophy wife and various other unpleasant things (including comments about her heritage and nationality).
The kids always have been happy to visit and adored her, but they too are starting to repeat the comments.
Her husband’s teenager daughter in particular was always very kind, but has now turned extremely hostile - she accuses person A of being a prostitute.

Person A is unsure how to handle this situation going forward as she does not want to lose her marriage. She suspects that her husband’s vast wealth may be an important factor here (we are talking about millions and millions in the bank).

Aibu to advise her to walk away?

Her husband should be doing something. Telling the ex wife to piss off for starters, and telling his children to be respectful.

I wouldn't. I wouldn't let an ex get in the way of me and my husband - as long as the husband was supporting me (emotionally).

I'd be more likely to kill them with kindness.

Her husband should be stepping in if he really does love her

How does her husband respond when his children behave so disgustingly? I would be expecting him to tell them to apologise, and mind their manners going forward.

She needs to block the exW - there is no reason at all for them to be in contact. The exW is obviously miffed that your friend now has a claim on the millions, but that's just tough luck.

What does the husband do when his child calls his wife a prostitute?

How old are the children? Was the ex wife also much younger?

They absolutely should not be verbally abusing your friend.

I do imagine that the hostility is based on a fear that the husband has not ‘protected’ his assets for his children. Everyone has heard of the cases where the elderly rich man leaves everything to the new young wife, because either through ignorance or stupidity he imagines she will be fair, and then his own children are completely cut out of their inheritance.

If her DH sees a solicitor and gets some sort of protection drawn up, with her agreement, then I think the hostility should die down considerably.

The DH needs to speak up. He should be putting his children straight that this is not an appropriate way to speak (to anyone, but especially his wife). He should also speak to his ExW but I appreciate that's probably a tougher situation to change.

The advice about seeing a solicitor sounds good if all else fails (though I have no experience there), especially as someone who is quite wealthy probably has one on retainer. However, I feel as if it's a very last resort.

@Pompom2367 @AllOfUsAreDead the husband has been trying his hardest to manage the situation. Telling off the kids when they are being hostile or difficult. The problem here is that the instances of profanity and obvious foul language are only occasional. Usually it is much more subtle bad behaviour - such as the kids hiding her things and then blaming her, misinforming the parents of their schedules, unwilling to attend agreed plans or being uncooperative during activities with the family. Sometimes they will go to really bizarre lengths - such as deliberately misrepresenting or misunderstanding a comment or action so that they have an excuse to be offended or upset. An example would be when Person A bakes a cake and makes an innocent comment or observation -‘oh, I didn’t know you had a bit allergy‘. This turned out to be false, but the child was still upset as this was clear evidence that Person A thinks ‘food allergies are a hoax’… 🙄
Honestly this is becoming much more than just normal defiance which you would sometimes expect from children.

The dad is stuck between a rock and a hard place because if he tells them off they will just refuse to come and see him.

@anappleadaykeeps the kids range in age quite a lot. The youngest is in elementary school whilst the oldest is 15.
The ex-wife was the same age so not awfully younger than her ex-husband.

@EvilGoldfish @cakewench
I have been told that the children’s inheritance is ring-fenced and they have trust funds so generous even future great-grandchildren will still continue to benefit from the family’s wealth.
The ex-wife’s divorce settlement means she is extremely wealthy in her own right.
I believe there was a prenup too, but I am not 100% sure on this matter.
I think this is more to do with greed than anything. Despite having enough money to last them a lifetime and being guaranteed more in the future, the ex and the kids do not want to see any other person benefiting.
I imagine it will only get worse if Person A goes on to have any children.

Let's be honest about person A. Young enough to be his dsughtet, obviously his money plays a big part in being with him. Sounds like the epitome of trophy wife. Up to get if she puts up with it, but if it's as subtle as you say I can't think it will end any time soon. It may not be the ex wife doing the badmouthing, it may be schoolmates teasing them about the big age gap and they're feeling the embarassment.

@RedHelenB - I get where you are coming from as this would be my line of thinking too.

However, when she first started to date him she wasn’t aware of how wealthy he was. Person A is a high flyer and has done extremely well for herself. I have known her for most of my life and she is the least materialistic person I know.

Although she would never openly admit, she has had an extremely difficult life and lots of tragedies. 😢 I strongly suspect that it’s the emotional connection and shared traumatic experience that first attracted them to each other.

Unfortunately, a lot of the hostility is being driven by the ex-wife - including openly hostile comments and text messages to the children encouraging their bad behaviour.

The change in behaviour almost occurred after the wedding. She used to be extremely close to the children which makes it even worse for all involved.

There were some instances of violent and destructive behaviour so the father had to issue an ultimatum that if the kids do not behave themselves they are not allowed to visit his house. The youngest two started behaving well, but the older one is refusing to behave appropriately. He sees her outside of the family home, but it’s very difficult for all involved.

Well the ex wife & the kids are probably worried that the kids will be disinherited hence the switch after marrying.

This deterioration happened after the marriage? You sure it didn’t start to bubble up once the intention to marry was announced? Tolerated when he was yet another older rich man to whom a much younger woman was attracted - because of matching personality and intelligence?

It’s hard to believe this came from nowhere.

They may have dated for 3 years - but was the marriage quite quick? I wonder if people were tolerating this thinking he was having his fun, and didn’t realise he was actually going to marry her?

What should she do? Leave him, because he accepts his children calling her a prostitute. And take a slice of the pie with her 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ime children rarely start to dislike a person that they previously liked because someone else told them to. More likely that they feel she's calling the shots, particularly as it's resulted in their father threatening not to see them again

He should give copies of legal arrangements for estate planning to all his children. Then he and your friend should move as far away as possible and he should visit his children on his own at reasonable intervals. Your friend should not be subjected to abuse.

She has a loving relationship, rather than throw that away they, as a couple, should arrange boundaries to protect her from the vitriol, distance the ex from the whole situation and ensure a sound and loving relationship between the husband and his dc.

The eldest daughter becoming hostile may have nothing to do with her mother. It might be that she’s matured and now has a teenager’s understanding about sex and relationships and is disgusted by the huge age gap. She may have done things like calculate how old the man would be if she were to get into a similar age gap relationship herself. Or maybe a friend told her about the half your age plus seven rule and person A’s relationship fails that test so then teen has decided it must be wrong. She might come round with time. Or she may never come round. I wouldn’t forgive my dad if he divorced my mum and started dating someone only a year or two older than me.

Ifs hes that rich buy another house to see the kids.
I have a friend (adult now) who lived in an apartment with their brother. Dad lived there 50% of the time and mum lived there the other 50%. This was done as they both hated the step parents on both sides.
Cant dad just have his time with his kids in another property?

I wouldn't walk away from a relationship with a man I loved and was happy with because his ex and kids were obnoxious, unless the man was just letting them get away with it, which he apparently is not because he has taken steps to address his children's behaviour. If he's that wealthy, I think I'd be inclined to take myself off to a hotel or suggest getting a second property where I could go when his kids were around.