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Original poster

Why am I so sad/hurt at the thought of losing him? He's abusive!

16 replies

chasingdreamsx · 30/03/2022 17:52

I'm talking about exH.

I found the guts to leave him 6 months ago. Moved myself and dcs to my mums - still here and trying to find the right home for us.

He was never violent. But he is emotionally abusive, cohercive controlling, manipulative, compulsive liar, gambling addict....my therapist says he is a true narcissist.

I've been accused of seeing other people in the time we've been apart. I haven't, I've done nothing at all. He has. He's slept with at least one woman and in contact with more.

He started therapy a few months ago and really I thought I saw a change. He stuck at the therapy and admitted to things that were wrong. Admitted he was abusive.

However he hasn't changed - I haven't gone back to him btw. I'm not going too. But why am I struggling to let him go? Why does the thought of him with someone else hurt me so much? He's treated me so very very badly. I deserve so much more and I know this.

But why does it hurt?

OP posts:
Original poster
chasingdreamsx · 30/03/2022 18:24

X

OP posts:
inheritancetrack · 30/03/2022 18:29

Sometimes your heart is saying one thing and your head the other. listen to your head.

Fairislefandango · 30/03/2022 18:30

I don't know, OP. What kind of relationships were modelled to you growing up? That can affect your expectations of what a partner should be like. Personally I can't imagine not wanting to let go of man like that. The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is none at all. The question you should be asking yourself is why you didn't get rid of him at the early signs of abusive behaviour.

Original poster
chasingdreamsx · 30/03/2022 18:37

@Fairislefandango

I don't know, OP. What kind of relationships were modelled to you growing up? That can affect your expectations of what a partner should be like. Personally I can't imagine not wanting to let go of man like that. The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is none at all. The question you should be asking yourself is why you didn't get rid of him at the early signs of abusive behaviour.
Oh I'm having therapy and my dad was also abusive. However I had no idea as a child that it was abuse. Now it's as clear as day - I've learnt it in therapy. I've basically gone for a partner who is similar to my dad and I've been my mum. I'm grateful I've only wasted 6 years with him where as my mum was with my dad for 45 years.

Therapy has been an absolute amazing/hurtful process.

I'm just struggling to let go of that last bit of him. It's maybe just the fact he seemed to want to change so much. I was hoping he could

OP posts:
FOJN · 30/03/2022 18:39

For me personally I had a deep seated belief that the person who took my confidence and self esteem was the only one who could give it back and I wanted them to care enough to want to do that. They never do. You are a utility to a narc, someone who exists to meet whatever need they have at any given moment. They do not see you as a separate unique individual but as an extension of them. It would never occur to a narc you have your own wants and needs. The only time your hurt is of interest to them is when they are taking pleasure in having caused it to teach you a lesson.

Healing is a long process but you will get there. Good for you for getting away. The opinion of a narc counts for nothing so do not look to your ex to rebuild your self esteem. To make your self esteem bomb proof you have to do it for yourself. At some point in the future you will feel pity for anyone else he has a relationship with and be glad it's no longer you. You are worth more and deserve better, remind yourself of that everyday.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/03/2022 18:53

I went through something similar, similar reasons and background. I think when you have loved someone for a long time, it takes a while. And they are never abusive when you first get together, so you fall in love with the person they present themselves as, not the actual abusive person they turn out to be. Six months is still pretty early days, and it took me a fair bit longer. Also, when you want and hope someone will change, I think you don't actually accept the relationship is over until the day you realise they aren't going to change. So the grieving for the relationship, for me, started at that point, rather than the point at which he moved out. It's all a bit sh*t, and hopefully the counselling will help Flowers

Darkstar4855 · 30/03/2022 19:10

It hurts because you fell in love with someone who seemed kind and loving. You are grieving the loss of that person and the relationship you thought you would have with them. Even when logically we can see how someone has abused and manipulated us, it can still be hard emotionally to let go.

It might help to remember that the person you fell in love with never actually existed, it was just an act to draw you in. Cutting off all contact with your ex might help too.

JohannSebastianBach · 30/03/2022 19:15

He won't change, he's not capable of doing so. He still doesn't really think he's done anything wrong. He's probably fed his therapist a load of bull anyway.

Everything he is doing is designed to lure you back so he can control you.

You're not in love with the real him but the illusion he showed you at the start.

Fuuuuuckit · 30/03/2022 19:22

It's not him you're sad about losing. It's the idea of what your life should be like, and now it doesn't.

I imagined a happily ever after - 2 kids, nice house, husband with steady job. Unfortunately his narc behaviour revealed itself during dc1s first few months (although looking back there were signs before). And I was looking at an uncertain future with the kids, nowhere to live, nobody to love.

Take him out of the equation - if everything else stayed the same bit he was absent, could you be happy - get a job, find a way to juggle finances, make your life Good again(notwithstanding the dc upset)? If yes, then it's not him you're upset about losing, it's the life with him in it.

It took me 3 years of continued misery in an abusive marriage to get to that point. Don't let it take you that long.

Gilead · 30/03/2022 19:31

I did 23 year with ( a diagnosed) covert narcissist. Obviously not dx initially, or I’d have run due to having a mother (also diagnosed) who is a narcissist. I think some of it is grieving for the life they promised you, and some for the person you thought they were. There’s also grief for the person you were, the one they’ve so coldly taken apart. Finally, there is more than a touch of Stockholm syndrome.
Trust me though, it does get better. Five years down the line, happy, and coping wel. 💐

Original poster
chasingdreamsx · 30/03/2022 20:12

Thank you all for these replies. I've been on here many many many times with him. I just struggle to let go of that last little part.

I think it's because he will find someone else easily (typical narc behaviour, having the next one lined up) they might get the version of him I always wanted.

I sound absolutely pathetic - we are talking about a man who shouted at me when I was in pain after childbirth. He's a waste of space but it's so hard to let go

OP posts:
Original poster
chasingdreamsx · 30/03/2022 20:13

@Gilead

I did 23 year with ( a diagnosed) covert narcissist. Obviously not dx initially, or I’d have run due to having a mother (also diagnosed) who is a narcissist. I think some of it is grieving for the life they promised you, and some for the person you thought they were. There’s also grief for the person you were, the one they’ve so coldly taken apart. Finally, there is more than a touch of Stockholm syndrome. Trust me though, it does get better. Five years down the line, happy, and coping wel. 💐
Thank you, Stockholm syndrome is one I haven't heard of and I've done a lot of research!
OP posts:
Xpologog · 30/03/2022 20:22

@chasingdreamsx

Thank you all for these replies. I've been on here many many many times with him. I just struggle to let go of that last little part.

I think it's because he will find someone else easily (typical narc behaviour, having the next one lined up) they might get the version of him I always wanted.

I sound absolutely pathetic - we are talking about a man who shouted at me when I was in pain after childbirth. He's a waste of space but it's so hard to let go

Another woman will think she’s getting the “best version” of him but she won’t. You know what he is —- it’s like saying a cat will turn into a dog if it goes off and lives with one. He won’t change. Your head knows what he is, but your heart wants that miracle where he turns in Superman and be ones all you want. I’m afraid you have to get angry with him —- repeat to yourself what he’s done to you. Then remind yourself how much better, how much safer your life is without him. You’ll get there, stay strong.
Original poster
chasingdreamsx · 30/03/2022 21:09

@Xpologog thanks - I can't wait to get to that point! Ok the outside looking in at it all, he's got absolutely nothing going for him. He's a nasty, cruel etc etc...

I've kept a diary ever since I left and have written down all the issues and times he made me desperately unhappy. I'm trying my best to get over him and remember I deserve more

OP posts:
lululongdog · 30/03/2022 21:23

It is so hard OP, I hear you. It would be so easy to tell XDH that I still love him and could we try again. And it so hurts to imagine him with someone else. But we must keep walking into the cool clear air and our freedom from more hurt, because that is all we will get if we go back. And we deserve better, even if we cannot imagine what that might be like.

Original poster
chasingdreamsx · 31/03/2022 10:58

@lululongdog

It is so hard OP, I hear you. It would be so easy to tell XDH that I still love him and could we try again. And it so hurts to imagine him with someone else. But we must keep walking into the cool clear air and our freedom from more hurt, because that is all we will get if we go back. And we deserve better, even if we cannot imagine what that might be like.
Yes exactly, a future with him - I just can't imagine what it would be like. Well I can, all about him! I deserve so much more! As do you. It's awful how these men play with our emotions so much. It leaves deep wounds with us. I can't wait to get to the other side x
OP posts:
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