Competitive friend grinding me down

[Watermelon44]

Just that really.

Fed up of how I feel when I meet up with friend of approx 7 years. In a nutshell she puts me down to make herself feel good. After seeing her I feel stressed and exhausted.

I typed a long thread with examples, read them back and it makes me sound about 13 not mid 40’s.

It’s subtle so impossible to say anything without looking petty. Now I’ve noticed it it’s obvious and I wonder why I didn’t notice it before.

I cant stop contact as we are both members of the same sports club which our dcs also are involved in. We have a lot of mutual friends.

I’ve tried lessening contact and forming other friendships with others but friend seems to get jealous and love bombs the new friend until she is more friendly with them than I am. Then she will delight in telling me this. “Oh I have been invited to so and so’s, haven’t you?” . This has happened 4 separate times now over the years and I’ve had enough.

It’s making me doubt myself and ruining my self esteem and I have no idea how to deal with it at all….

What can I be doing wrong?

You're not doing anything wrong.
Take a large step back and don't tell her anything, lock down your social media so she can't see what you're up to & be Ms Bland with her.

If she does this with you then you can bet she does it with others too.

Make other friends - which you obviously can - and keep everything away from her.

Hi OP, I have a friend a bit like this, but more over material things rather than people. Everything she does has to be bigger and better than me. It used to really get to me, but it says a lot more about her than me. She needs to know that she has more/is going on better holidays/going out more than I am. Now I just congratulate her, say something like ‘oh that sounds really fun’, tell her very little about my life and keep her at arms length when it gets too much….but it’s taken me years to get to this place.

In a nutshell she puts me down to make herself feel good. After seeing her I feel stressed and exhausted.

I got to this sentence and immediately thought, she is not a friend.

True friends do not put others down to make them look and feel better. It really isn't normal or healthy to have a friend who belittles you so that they can feel superior. You're not the problem.

I think you know that you have to withdraw from this "friendship". Spend time with others, grey rock her, be boring and only share happy news with those who would truly be happy for you.

People like her are draining and want nothing more than to be the centre of attention.

I've been here. Like PP said, don't tell her anything about yourself, if you have to talk to her - small talk and stay completely above the surface only. Distance yourself slowly so she doesn't notice as much. Don't ever get sucked back in.

She has low self esteem and also may be jealous of you. Take a step back. This type of person doesn't change.

You need to ditch her.

Make completely new friends, do not introduce her and do not tell her about your social life.

She sounds like a complete dick, I’d be civil but not available for friendly get-togethers anymore.

Don’t completely discount the stolen friends, let them come to you. Completely grey rock her when she starts with “haven’t you been invited?”

I would definitely start by not viewing her as a friend. I agree with polite grey rock from now on...and possibly a slightly amused look when they try a subtle dig before making your excuses.

Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there like that, and like you I've viewed some as friends in the past.

Thanks for the replies. To answer a few questions.

I don’t post a lot now on social media now but I am guilty of scrolling through a lot. Friend posts daily, and does a big flowery post every time she meets up with someone. Doesn’t do this as much when she meets up with me, but used to. I think it’s her way of making new people feel special and reeling them in.

I’ve tried stepping back a few times and don’t meet up as much as I used to. We are thrown together a few times a week in a large group of other people which I can’t avoid, but I have been pursuing other friendships.

Others have noticed and pulled back, but most are oblivious and seem to fall for it.

My issue is that every time I get friendly with someone else, friend will latch onto them, find something they both have in common that I don’t, come and discuss this in great detail when I am chatting with them, contact them frequently and arrange to meet up with them. Then she will drop hints to me about it in normal conversation in a chatty way as if it is all normal. I am left fed up but unable to react without looking ridiculous. If I do react I play into her hands completely as this is what she wants, so I don’t.

This has happened on a few occasions with mutual friends of ours, so I decided to gravitate towards a friend that she didn’t know when we were at the sports club. I have been spending time chatting and getting to know this new friend and it has been nice to come home feeling happy and relaxed, not stressed out. We have dc’s of the same age who are friendly, so it’s easy conversation.

Unfortunately, (old) friend was noticeably not happy for some reason with me getting on well with other (new) friend. It probably was jealousy at not being involved.

Old friend has been acting outrageously over the past couple of weeks, practically throwing herself at my new friend, coming up and taking over the conversation completely, making it all about her, even down to body language, turning away from me so I am stood on my own etc.

Old friend has somehow got the phone number of new friend (despite them not knowing each other, having dc’s of vastly different ages) and is now love bombing them by bombardment of messages, such is her style. This was then dropped into the conversation airily the other night to me to put me in my place.

My dc noticed it and said it was very odd, which made me feel better.

My dc says that friend is jealous of me, but hand on heart I have no idea why as I wouldn’t say I’m the life and soul of the party or anything special. At least I felt validated in how I was feeling though as before that I was wondering if I was a social pariah. To be honest I still wonder that really...

That's borderline stalkerish behaviour. Ask yourself if your big weekly meet up is really worth it to you.
How did she find out about your new friend if you didn't tell her and they don't know each other?
If you see a new friend, just lie to the stalker and say you stayed in. Don't even tell her they exist because it'll just give her a new target.
I'd say this is getting to the point where I'd consider actually moving and getting the hell away from her before she truly wrecks your mental health.

Yes it is odd behaviour I must admit. She is hugely competitive in other areas too, so I think it’s in her nature.

I cannot stop going to the sports club as my dc’s are heavily involved and I am too to a certain extent. Generally I enjoy it and like most of the people there.

She has seen me chatting to new friend for the last few weeks while we have been at the club. She has been visibly off about it.

I don’t mention if/when I meet up with friends outside of the club and I don’t post it on sm. I don’t engage in petty boasting as I don’t like others to feel left out.

I really feel for you OP. Something like this happened to me. Worst of all their child began bullying my dc albeit not physically. Everything I did was wrong even down to my choice of holiday destination. Aparently I didn't care about the environment for planning to travel to another city when I already live in one. I found out that she then went to the same place that year. At least she had the decency to look sheepish. How I enjoyed rubbing it in and making her squirm - juvenile I know.

You may think you have nothing to be jealous of, but believe me to this person there will be something. Thankfully I had many friends that she didn't know and was able to step right back. In my case it was odd as although she was critical she still copied so many things that I did. Unfortunately this has been taken to new extremes and she has moved to my road.

Hopefully your friend who she has recently started love bombing will see right through it. Carry on nurturing that relationship and don't include the other woman. Good luck. It feels shit, I know.

@Cisforcamel

Hi OP, I have a friend a bit like this, but more over material things rather than people. Everything she does has to be bigger and better than me. It used to really get to me, but it says a lot more about her than me. She needs to know that she has more/is going on better holidays/going out more than I am. Now I just congratulate her, say something like ‘oh that sounds really fun’, tell her very little about my life and keep her at arms length when it gets too much….but it’s taken me years to get to this place.

She is a bit like it with material things too, which is irritating but I find I can let that wash over me more than the competitive friendships.

She copies my hair and buys similar clothes to mine, but she does do this to others too. Her dh is pretty well off so she has more disposable income than me, so I don’t even try and compete as I can’t afford loads of designer stuff and 3 new coats a year etc…

Can you concentrate on any other pursuits outside of this club for a while, or at least try to concentrate on any other friends that aren't affiliated with it? She sounds like she'll stop at nothing to wreck your friendships.

Could you say 'are you OK? A couple of people have mentioned you behave in xyz way'.

Ghost her you don't need people like that in your life

I would focus on building friendships outside of this hobby group, far away from this woman. Maybe miss a few weeks of the group being busy, take a break for your mental well-being.
It may or may not be jealousy, it might just be a power move, some people are only happy when they are making someone else unhappy.

@IfOnlyIKnewThen

I really feel for you OP. Something like this happened to me. Worst of all their child began bullying my dc albeit not physically. Everything I did was wrong even down to my choice of holiday destination. Aparently I didn't care about the environment for planning to travel to another city when I already live in one. I found out that she then went to the same place that year. At least she had the decency to look sheepish. How I enjoyed rubbing it in and making her squirm - juvenile I know.

You may think you have nothing to be jealous of, but believe me to this person there will be something. Thankfully I had many friends that she didn't know and was able to step right back. In my case it was odd as although she was critical she still copied so many things that I did. Unfortunately this has been taken to new extremes and she has moved to my road.

Hopefully your friend who she has recently started love bombing will see right through it. Carry on nurturing that relationship and don't include the other woman. Good luck. It feels shit, I know.

Thanks!

I wonder if it rubs off on their dc’s a bit as when I spoke about it to my dh and was trying to explain the situation to him, without trying to sound batshit crazy, my dd who had obviously been listening from the other room came in and said that my friend's dc (who is friends with my dd) is also like this!

Moving to your road sounds very stressful!

People like her having very low self confidence and to make them feel better is try and alienate you from everyone else , you can only be her friend . It’s nuts and not a healthy friendship.
If it’s hard to avoid her then make friends away from this group so chance of her love bombing them . She can’t possibly know everyone you meet .

Cut her out of your life. I know that sounds brutal, but really, why have someone in your life who makes you feel rubbish? I am utterly ruthless now. Life is so hard that I just can’t be around people who are selfish or cruel or hyper-competitive, etc. And as for narcissists...I would literally cross the street to avoid them. Surround yourself with good people and you’ll be happy. Surround yourself with horrible people and you’ll be unhappy. And don’t let them fool you. Assholes are very good at hiding their real nature, or at making you feel like the baddy for ditching them.

I know exactly what you mean. I have had lots of friends, neighbours, family, etc, who behave like this. It’s awful to spend time with someone you know, deep down, longs for you to fail and is delighted when you do. They even compete through their kids, especially at exam time. Awful.

I know exactly what you mean when you say that once you notice it it’s obvious and you don’t know why you didn’t notice before, OP.

YANBU. I have a “friend” like this. I’d always leave our catch-ups feeling down and like a shit parent. Shit everything really. When I finally realised I was very angry, especially because I noticed her DS had started doing the same thing to my DS. She’s instilled the same competitive thing in her child, only now he’s become a right precious shite who she can’t handle. Of course she wouldn’t say so but her DH told mine about some of what’s really going on.

Like your “friend”, she’s tried to latch onto a particular friend of mine. She now talks about her as if they’re best buddies. They’ve briefly met two or three times at parties I’ve thrown over five years! It’s bizarre.

The second I noticed I stepped back. Now if I see her I keep any chat surface level and very dull. I don’t give her any opportunity to get under my skin, not that she doesn’t try. She’s definitely noticed this. Stupid thing is, she doesn’t have many friends (surprise, surprise). I imagine she must be very lonely, but she just can’t seem to help herself.

If you can’t avoid her I suggest you do similar, OP. Small talk only. Be boring AF. Don’t worry about your other friends. They’ll realise soon enough. Good luck. I know how frustrating and pointless it can all feel.

Sorry I know this an old post but if the OP is still around and how they got on.

I am having exactly the same thing except this woman is in my friendship group. And like the OP we and our children are involved in the same sports club.

It was low level targeted at me for about a yr low (previous to that she’s very open and vocal about liking being the best but mostly in a joking way and to be honest she’s funny and warm with it and I actually don’t mind a bit of brashness - worked in Dubai for a bit so kind of had to!! We’ve known each other and been part of friendship group for 4) but in the last 18 months it’s really ramped up.

I guess it’s as we’ve gotten to know each other better - I’ve been renovating a house for 2 yrs and as such have been skint in other areas. I’m also the complete opposite in terms of not being braggy - don’t get me wrong I like nice things but I’m not going to tell you how much something cost or brag about all the 5 star elements for weeks before I go on a holiday. And I told think I’ve told anyone how much certain elements in our build cost - she did a reno about 4 years ago and we all know exactly how much everything cost.

This somehow led to her mistakenly believing we are I think quite poor or should I say poorer than her.

As the build has been finished (and is pretty nice and this seems to have put her nose out of joint massively) and we have had more disposable income things like holidays
things have ramped up with her to what is almost an embarrassing but also very uncomfortable feeling to me level (she’s almost angry). And will now compete on anything.

She never congratulates me on successes but will overly congratulate the others in the group.

Shes also doing the friendship thing. Both with my friends independent to our friendship and within the group if she sees me having a one to one conversation with another friend she will literally come in even physically if she isn’t nearby and take over the conversation and just start talking over me or physically stand in front of me and start taking over me.

As you did OP I tried to make other friends but she does exactly same thing that this op experienced, only to drop them when I pull away from them.

I have gotten wise to this and just keep things under wraps but she’s recently become aware I’m quite good friends with a couple of people from the sports club and this seems to have enraged her - and the general competitiveness seems to have ramped up - I think she may have tried judging by conversations tried to befriend them or wanted something out of them more likely ( both have prominent businesses) but I get the impression that whilst liking her they have also purposefully kept her at arms length.

Other examples include; my youngest started school last year it’s quite an okay group of Mums - we’ve done quite a bit of socialising, one has a fabulous house and throws quite a lot of parties with parents and kids, this has wound friend up no end she actually said the other day I need to meet this fun Mum you need to introduce I think she’s someone I (emphasis on I should be friends with).

I am at my wits end as like OP can’t extricate myself from her!

Desperate to know if any of the methods suggested here worked??