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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Controlling or guidance.

19 replies

Popcorn765 · 29/03/2022 16:25

My boyfriend is 48 and I'm 33. I'd say I'm OK looking and take pride in my hair and face. I'm certainly not beautiful but I try to look nice. I have never had huge confidence within my body. I like jeggings and jumpers and nice tops. Never had a boyfriend that is focused on looks or style before.

Said boyfriend Where's levi jeans and superdy t shirts. He has a few pairs of shorts. He often chills in a pair if Adidas trackies

In the past he's asked me why I don't curl my hair or have it shorter. Other times he compliments it.

With clothes he's on and off told me he will spoil Me and take me shopping and get me more stuff. I want you to feel good about yourself he'd say. He said you always wear jeggings and nothing else (I have loads of pairs)

I bought myself leggings and a denim shirt dress recently. He says I look lovely in that.

He told me last week I should get a few bits and make myself feel good. So with the weather warming up I decided to order a couple of midi dresses and a long dress and wedges. He responded with you don't need long dresses in summer you should have shorts on. I said oh please don't put me down when I'm finding confidence to wear new things.

I've just showed him a midi bardot black dress from quiz and then a shorter black dress I'd wear with tights. His reaction was they are OK when I sent photos.

So now I feel like whats the point in trying to be confident and wear more if he's going to encourage it on one hand then make me feel I've got bad taste.

I'm starting to feel patronised by him. I don't know if he treated his exes the same but he said they loved shopping with him. He said he knows what suits people.

Do you think this is controlling or an attempt to put me down? Is he trying to dress me like he wants? I don't know why but he's making me feel I can't win.

OP posts:
BulletTrain · 29/03/2022 16:30

Do you think this is controlling or an attempt to put me down?

Flowers Both I'm afraid. It sounds like he's trying to make you doubt yourself. Wear jeggings if you want!

Jimtheturtle · 29/03/2022 16:30

He wants you to wear skimpy clothes for his benefit but he also wants you to feel ‘unconfident’ so you don’t go off with another man.

BulletTrain · 29/03/2022 16:32

Yes. If it was purely that he was into fashion there's no way he's suggest shorts over a maxi or midi dress in summer. I have never been able to make shorts work!

PinkSyCo · 29/03/2022 16:38

Tell him you will wear your hair how you like and dress in what makes you comfortable thank you, and if he doesn’t like it he knows wear the door is. Honestly, you are not a child, or a dumb female put on earth to be moulded into some man’s fantasy thing.

ButtockUp · 29/03/2022 16:41

I'm minded to say that, as he's hurtling towards 50, he may well want to be seen with 'a pretty clothes horse.'

He's judging your dress sense. You're already running clothes , that you admit you don't usually wear, past him for approval.

This is not a great scenario.

Wear what you like and makes you feel comfortable not what he thinks you should be wearing.
And just bring him up on it if he passes such judgey comments again.

HellToTheNope · 29/03/2022 16:42

Quite often, there's a reason why men go after women who are significantly younger than they are. They want to control their partners.

Ditch him.

incognitoforthisone · 29/03/2022 16:52

If he really is trying to make you feel better about yourself, picking on your clothes is not the best way to do it.

At first I thought 'Maybe he really does just think she doesn't know how beautiful she is...' but then I saw that he criticised your choice of midi dresses and that was a immediately a red flag. If he wanted you to feel better about yourself, he'd have been really pleased for you that you'd chosen something different that you feel nice in. He wouldn't have told you get shorts instead.

Generally, if men want you to feel more happy and confident with your appearance, they'll compliment your figure or say you look nice when you try things on, rather than criticising your choice of clothes. He doesn't want you to feel better about yourself; he wants you to dress the way he wants you to dress.

Also, he doesn't know about fashion and what suits people if he wears jeans and SuperDry t-shirts all the time. They're fine but they wouldn't be the choice of some kind of style king.

As for his claim that his exes all loved shopping with him, I suspect that's bullshit. There's a reason those relationships didn't work out.

Popcorn765 · 29/03/2022 17:06

I definitely think what I've picked out is nice. It's a quiz black bardot dress on next and a lipsy dress. He told me the other day I'm lovely and should not care what people think. I just don't want my whole legs out. I'm pale and I don't think my legs are that nice at the top.

I can never Weigh up what he's thinking..I went through q stage thinking maybe his ex always got it right. But looking through her pictures on his Facebook she's not striking at all. Jeans, trainers and the occasional floral dress. No signs of her in skimpy stuff.

He has no confidence in himself he's forever needing me to say he looks good.

OP posts:
Verv · 29/03/2022 17:11

www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/middle-aged-man-was-wearing-non-superdry-clothing-2014040785462

Send him this the next time he decides to offer clothing criticism disguised as suggestions.

rosesareredandpink · 29/03/2022 17:38

Red flags! This is controlling and could be just the tip of the ice-berg. If it is a genuine suggestion of clothing here or there, that's fine, but he is criticising you. He is also trying to change you. Make sure the fashion refresh is ultimately FOR YOUR BENEFIT. I'm worried that if it continues it will slowly chip away at your self esteem and you will start questioning yourself. Years ago this happened to me when I was seeing an older man. For all of his cultural interests, he was actually extremely insecure and superficial. He wanted arm candy. He cared what others would think of us whereas I'm secure in myself. The uneasy feeling (my gut) really kicked in when he bought me a pair of heart shaped earrings when I had said in conversation that I hated heart shaped jewellery. When I took them out a few months later he commented but I didn't put them back on and I could tell he was irritated; although I couldn't quite believe it and would tell myself he was just a bit sensitive at times. I'm more beachy, boho in style and think I look best with minimal make up - it's just part of my identity and who I am; he was trying to change me. Another time he bought me back a dark berry lipstick from a business trip; I just found it a very personal item to buy. I don't wear much make up and don't have interest in it. Another timeUnfortunately, I stayed too long. I wonder if it was a bit of a novelty, all the eating out and love bombing. He became distant when I started saying no to things, and he realised he could not dictate my every move. His criticising unfortunately did have an impact on my self esteem. I started doubting myself, my choices, became a bit submissive until I got so down I couldn't carry on and got angry at the situation. He was ultimately emotionally unavailable and superficial. He is now with an even younger girl (15 year age gap) and takes her to the same places, gives her the same presents. She's extremely grateful for him on social media, which I'm sure his ego enjoys. He has a method....

rosesareredandpink · 29/03/2022 17:45

@rosesareredandpink

Red flags! This is controlling and could be just the tip of the ice-berg. If it is a genuine suggestion of clothing here or there, that's fine, but he is criticising you. He is also trying to change you. Make sure the fashion refresh is ultimately FOR YOUR BENEFIT. I'm worried that if it continues it will slowly chip away at your self esteem and you will start questioning yourself. Years ago this happened to me when I was seeing an older man. For all of his cultural interests, he was actually extremely insecure and superficial. He wanted arm candy. He cared what others would think of us whereas I'm secure in myself. The uneasy feeling (my gut) really kicked in when he bought me a pair of heart shaped earrings when I had said in conversation that I hated heart shaped jewellery. When I took them out a few months later he commented but I didn't put them back on and I could tell he was irritated; although I couldn't quite believe it and would tell myself he was just a bit sensitive at times. I'm more beachy, boho in style and think I look best with minimal make up - it's just part of my identity and who I am; he was trying to change me. Another time he bought me back a dark berry lipstick from a business trip; I just found it a very personal item to buy. I don't wear much make up and don't have interest in it. Another timeUnfortunately, I stayed too long. I wonder if it was a bit of a novelty, all the eating out and love bombing. He became distant when I started saying no to things, and he realised he could not dictate my every move. His criticising unfortunately did have an impact on my self esteem. I started doubting myself, my choices, became a bit submissive until I got so down I couldn't carry on and got angry at the situation. He was ultimately emotionally unavailable and superficial. He is now with an even younger girl (15 year age gap) and takes her to the same places, gives her the same presents. She's extremely grateful for him on social media, which I'm sure his ego enjoys. He has a method....
I re-read and sound very ungrateful - I wasn't! I was extremely flattered every time and a novelty, but it felt odd. The point is they were gifts to change my appearance in order to please him, rather than gifts I'd genuinely like. It feels like something similar could be going on in your situation. Best of luck!!!
Gowithme · 29/03/2022 17:58

I think you need to stop asking him what he thinks of your outfits. Wear what you want to wear, not what pleases him. Tell him you don't want him to spoil you if it comes with strings and really means you buying things he wants you to wear. Stop relying on him for your self esteem - you won't find it there.

Alternatively tell him only middle aged men still think Superdry is cool and dump his 'low self esteem so trying to also bring you down' needy ass.

Popcorn765 · 29/03/2022 18:07

Thank you I will bear all the advice in mind and make sure he's not smashing away at me. I went through a stage worried he wanted me to have the exact things his last partner had. But I've also seen her in colours or stuff he doesn't particularly like.
I just don't know why he seems obsessed with looks and style all the time. He is currently renting in a poor coucil estate. I grew up on one so please don't think I'm judging. I still live in a coucil house I've bought, but it's a weird area. He lives where the council still have flats etc for people. He often will mention how they all dress and yet half the time he's in the same coat and Adidas joggers. Its like he's always trying to say he looks different and decent and cool and trendy unlike everyone else.

I must admit superdry have thousands of products available so it's not very unique based on the amount they have. I think next has about 3000 items just in that brand!

OP posts:
Masdintle · 29/03/2022 18:08

If you're pale, are you sure black is a good choice for you? It could wash you out and perhaps make you disappear. Black is a difficult colour to get right for us peely wallys Grin

Popcorn765 · 29/03/2022 18:11

Quiet area not weird

OP posts:
Popcorn765 · 29/03/2022 18:12

@Masdintle

Haha well he suggested red to me once and I don't think red and auburn hair look good either. He hates green and I think khaki and emerald greens suit red hair and pale skin.

Don't think he's as clued up as he likes to think. He cares too much about casual day to day looks. I could understand if it was a wedding and a special frock.

OP posts:
Momicrone · 29/03/2022 18:16

I never ask my dh for opinions on my clothes

HellToTheNope · 29/03/2022 20:32

Good grief, you can do so much better than this man. Why are you wasting your youth on him?

VeganCow · 29/03/2022 21:38

Most men couldn't give a shit what you wear as long as you look presentable. He's obsessed with what you wear, I'd be saying to him stop passing comment on my clothes, I wear what I like and if you're not keen, tough shit mate.

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