how to handle dd11

[fairylights82]

I'm out of ideas on how to handle my daughter's emotional distress and anxiety. She's always been sensitive but since the start of secondary school, things are so much worse. She is constantly worrying about school and gets herself worked up at the slightest issue. She gets hysterical about things like homework and the house or her bedroom being a mess, even though the house and her room are pretty much immaculate most of the time. She's always shouting, crying or, if left to her own devices, she will become very low in mood and lethargic. When she gets home from school, she watches a bit of telly but we have to stop this after an hour (and no further screen time at all) or she gets very low in mood. After that, I have to make sure she is doing an activity, the best kind is outside, some form of sport or extracurricular activity. This lifts her mood really well but the moment she is back home and she has time to think, she's back to crying or shouting about things that upset her at school.

We are waiting on referrals from the gp, and a private psychologist. We have tried to talk to the school but they have not been helpful so far.

Hi op sympathies my slightly younger daughter is very anxious. How about stepping back a little. You support her with activities etc which is great but if she is in tears aftet that you just let her sit in her room or listen to music audio book etc . She learns to sit a bit with her emotions. You just stay calm and reassure her but perhaps allow her to go through whatever emotion she is feeling.

I know my own child really keeps her feelings on check all day so it all comes out st home but I try to just reflect back to her a bit calmly that it's not a big deal so it doesn't escalate

Have you spoken to the senco at school? I find with an obedient girl they don't pick up on problems in school you have to be very pushy

Oh bless her, how difficult. My DD developed terrible anxiety at about the same age. Her psychologist said its not uncommon with the onset of puberty and the big changes at that kind of time. By the time she was 13 or so she was all better and its not bothered her since so don't give up hope. With the right help anxiety is very treatable. What about school is upsetting her so much specifically? Work? Friends? Tiredness?

Given that you're waiting on the medical stuff (and well done for being proactive on that) my advice would be to kind to her and yourself to keep everything as calm as possible and to read up on anxiety and how it actually works. Some of the things that help are quite counter intuitive and it can generally be quite hard to understand if you don't experience it yourself, DH and I didn't have a clue and made some mistakes early on.

I hope things improve soon.

@waterrat

Hi op sympathies my slightly younger daughter is very anxious. How about stepping back a little. You support her with activities etc which is great but if she is in tears aftet that you just let her sit in her room or listen to music audio book etc . She learns to sit a bit with her emotions. You just stay calm and reassure her but perhaps allow her to go through whatever emotion she is feeling.

I know my own child really keeps her feelings on check all day so it all comes out st home but I try to just reflect back to her a bit calmly that it's not a big deal so it doesn't escalate

I like this idea. I did try this a bit yesterday. She was obviously feeling very low - lots outbursts and worrying - and she finally came to me and said she was feeling very bad in herself. I told her it was ok to feel down and after some sleep she would feel better tomorrow. It's just heartbreaking though. I feel like I do need to research more sophisticated techniques for her, such as the idea of sitting with emotions and letting them pass. Up to now we mainly do distraction, problem solving, positive thinking...

@PepperMcPeppermint

Oh bless her, how difficult. My DD developed terrible anxiety at about the same age. Her psychologist said its not uncommon with the onset of puberty and the big changes at that kind of time. By the time she was 13 or so she was all better and its not bothered her since so don't give up hope. With the right help anxiety is very treatable. What about school is upsetting her so much specifically? Work? Friends? Tiredness?

Given that you're waiting on the medical stuff (and well done for being proactive on that) my advice would be to kind to her and yourself to keep everything as calm as possible and to read up on anxiety and how it actually works. Some of the things that help are quite counter intuitive and it can generally be quite hard to understand if you don't experience it yourself, DH and I didn't have a clue and made some mistakes early on.

I hope things improve soon.

There are two things that really upset her at school. The first is that she is a twin and she worries that her friends prefer her twin. The second is she has not made friends in her tutor group and wants to be in the same class as her friends. She gets very very upset about these issues and they really preoccupy her. But she gets upset about many other things too, being told off, struggling with work, being shown distressing material relating to climate change, finding lessons boring or a waste of time, getting cold, there not being anything she will eat (she eats very little and is extremely thin) and the list goes on.

What sort of things did you end up trying for your daughter?

It's hard to have so many sources of anxiety.
When my DD gets a bit fixated on something I try to give her my complete attention and listen. But not to constantly rehash the same issues.
Reassuring someone with anxiety is a double edged thing. You want to soothe the feeling but also as parent you also need to skirt confirming that it's something worthy of such distress and attention.
Some things just are - she's not in a form with her friends. Can it be changed? No? Sympathise and move on. School food? Are the menus online? Can she take packed lunch instead?
Anxiety drives perfectionism and the fear of failure can be crippling. My DD's school are very fond of the 'growth mindset' attitude. You might find that helpful to look at and maybe explore.
Building general resilience and self esteem helps. But there are no quick fixes. I praise DD and encourage her, expect her to be able to figure things out but try to help her learn from any mistakes. She has hobbies/activities that have increased her sense of self worth.
She's pretty resilient. She's also been referred to CAHMS twice because of her OCD and anxiety.
She's learnt and is still learning how to live with the underlying anxiety.
I think your DD currently feels at the mercy of her thoughts and emotions, but there are techniques for helping with that.
Definitely read up on how to support your anxious child. Exercise, diet, sleep and not too much screen time or comparisons!