To find my sister exhausting

[cactusoil]

I will try and keep this as brief as I can.

I have a younger sister, age difference of 6 years. We didn't get on well until our 20's, then we became really close, we grew up without a mother so she is all I really have.

However, in the past couple of years I have found myself getting increasingly less tolerable of her. She is a very strong character. For example, I get embarrassed in public with her as she can be extremely rude to people/staff. She is very loud and always needs to be at the centre of attention. I also feel like when I'm with her she acts like our dad and almost micro manages me. She picks at me for everything, my taste, my clothes, my habits. She gets really angry with me if I refuse food. She's obviously concerned about my weight and size as I do have a history of eating problems but I told her to stop pressuring me to eat all the time. She said I look too thin and my bones are sticking out- I appreciate her concern but she constantly goes on at me about eating.

Also she's a talker- and I mean she sometimes talks for the sake of talking and if I look like I'm not listening she gets really angry and says your not even listening.

She is also constantly talking about herself and puts others down, saying no one does anything with they're lives and that they sit around etc you need to make the most of life. She's so critical of people to the point she can be quite nasty.

She really thinks very highly of herself, I feel I can't be completely myself around her anymore through fear of pissing her off, she's so quick to fire. She dishes it out but can't seem to take any criticism.

She's embarrassed me in front of people in the past to belittle me too.

Saying all that she also has a heart of gold and is always there for me when I need her, she always tells me what a great mum I am and tries to encourage me to better myself, I just find her really condescending towards me.

She wants to go on holiday this year just the two of us and I'm feeling really anxious about it.

I really don't know what to do as I feel like I'm starting to avoid her. I hate feeling this way as I do love her I just find her too much.

That does not sound like someone with a ''heart of gold', sorry.

Some people feel the need to control, whether necessary or not. Some people like to demean others in public to make themselves feel superior.

You have one of those.

I would definitely NOT go on any holiday with her, you won't be able to relax worrying about her next criticism. there is another poster on here who is on holiday with her 'friend' and she's is suffering the same things you would.

God she sounds exhausting and thoroughly unpleasant to be around.

I'd be limiting my time with her. I think you should be a lot less available from now on.

You might love her, but I fail to see how you can like her. She's horrible, and she is dangerous for your mental health. I would be pulling back, as far as you can.

Get therapy. It's the only way this is going to improve. Don't go away with her. She doesn't have a heart of gold.

Definitely don't go on holiday with her!

Have you actually told her that these things bother you?

My sister can also be quite exhausting at times, but I will absolutely tell her if she's being a dick.

@billyt could you send me the link to that post please?

Sorry cactus, not sure how to link

thread is in AIBU on first page

'to think friend is split and selfish?'

spoilt and selfish not spilt!

She seems miserable and condescending.

Yanbu feeling tired of her negativity.

I have a friend like your sister. She is a very emotionally draining person. I have had to put in significant boundaries because she doesn’t have any. I think that is going to be what you need to do with your sister. She is clearly very emotionally immature. There is no way I would go away with my friend because she crosses my limits too often. I suggest you reconsider your trip away with your sister there are better ways for you to spend time that in an intense burst.

Don't go on the holiday. Be honest (ish) and say you feel that you might end up arguing and you wouldn't like to do that.

It's definitely getting me down, she is always contradicting herself through her own actions, will say one thing but do another.
Honestly if I treated her the way she treated me she would tell me to fuck off.

She said to me the other day don't you hate it when someone won't stop talking at you and you feel yourself shutting down. And I thought jeez I get that with you!!

There always seems to be some sort of drama around her, or she creates drama. She's in a houseshare and two people have moved out since she moved in.

It's just the constant picking at me I hate, it's in a light toned jokey way but it's so constant I get sick to death if it. She makes fun of everything. I was choosing colour themes for my living room and she just laughed and said I have no taste etc.

Right before we were meant to be visiting relatives she rang me and said she had been in contact with someone who had covid and she was so worried etc etc but that night she went out with a load of friends so she couldn't have been that worried?

She's back with her ex partner who has caused her so much misery and I struggle to listen to her when she harps on about how well he is doing with his counselling and she's seen a real change in him etc, 6 months ago she didn't want to know him, he was absolutely vile to her. She used to call me in tears, now she's talking about all their holiday plans !!

I just don't know how she can't see what she is being like? She's always been a bit difficult but the last couple of years she's become almost unbearable to be around.

@oliviastwisted how do I put in boundaries?

She has the privileges of a relative (you forgive most things) but she's getting beyond that now it seems.

Pull back a bit if you can do.

This is the thread @billyt meant.

To think friend is spoilt and selfish www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amibeing_unreasonable/4516011-To-think-friend-is-spoilt-and-selfish

@cactusoil I follow a lady called nedratawwab on instagram she is really good on boundaries.

Why are you spending time with her?
You are allowing her a platform to be rude and insulting.

I would distance myself and work out a way to see much less of her. When you do have to, water her down with other people. My best advice is to only see her at family gatherings and busy places it will be much easier for you.

I'm in an extremely difficult position. We are very close and speak to each other about everything. I go to her in times of need.

There is just this huge element to her personality that is absolutely draining, and I'm issue is she doesn't see any problem with her behaviour or attitude as everything is always everyone else's fault. She has denied any responsibility for her last 3 fines for her car.

A friend lent her an iPhone when she lost her phone, she broke it, laughed and said oh well it's a shit phone anyway.

I just bite my tounge, I feel I physically can't get the words out to say what I really think.

@Swayingpalmtrees I spend time with her because we only really have each other and she doesn't have many friends.
She makes a huge effort to come and visit me and plan things with me.

@Mosaic123 the way I see it is I can't turn my back on her because she's my little sister but at the same time I'm fed up of being treated like a mental patient.

*I'm in an extremely difficult position. We are very close and speak to each other about everything. I go to her in times of need.

There is just this huge element to her personality that is absolutely draining, and I'm issue is she doesn't see any problem with her behaviour or attitude as everything is always everyone else's fault. She has denied any responsibility for her last 3 fines for her car.*

@cactusoil she is not going to change. She sounds very immature in many ways but clearly you have a very strong bond and a lot of love and history.

Really all you can do is limit expectations, limit time, avoid and deflect from hot button topics and really when she empties out your emotional well go and recharge somewhere else and give yourself time and space away from her.

Well then all you can do is put up with it. You can't change her, only your reaction and annoyance towards her, she is what she is.

It is not your job to supplement her with friendships, the onus is on her to make and keep her own friends. I guess you suit her needs, so that is why she does all of the planning op, I am not sure it is for your benefit.