How long can someone hide their true character do you think?

[Merryoldgoat]

Do you think they can hide it indefinitely? Or will the real person come out after, say, two years or so?

I’m talking specifically romantic relationships I suppose.

Lots of threads say ‘s/he wasn’t like that to start with’ so I was curious.

My DH has barely changed in character since we met 17 years ago so I’m reasonably confident he’s unlikely to change significantly but obviously he could.

I think if the person is motivated to hide their true self from everyone including themselves to some extent then it can go on for a really long time I guess.

But people also change as they age, my DH and I have been together for 20 years and neither of us are the same as we used to be in our late teens/early 20s.

Anecdotally a lot of people "change" when they're about to become parents for the first time or when there's a newborn in the house.

I think it isn't that their true character was hidden and comes out but that implicit assumptions which the couple never explicitly spelled out are thrown into the sunlight (especially any role expectations such as one parent assuming everything would be split 50/50 and the other assuming that being "a good mum" means doing everything and being a "good dad" means remembering that you have children and when their birthdays are...)

Obviously that's the depressing end of "normal" relationships not relationships with sociopaths... Where its a case of deliberate "love bombing", isolating and becoming abusive the first pregnancy can also be the trigger but so can the first attempt by the loved one to assert independence, or the first serious disagreement... a year probably in those cases but often the love bombed partner can't see what their potentially estranged friends can for years or decades...

I think it's likely to have come out if you've suffered some stressful situations. Like one of you had been bereaved, lost their jobs, had children, suffered financial hardship, been seriously ill, etc. Or if you'd been more financially vulnerable in some way, like becoming a SAHM, for instance.

If that's been the case and he hasn't shown another side, then it's unlikely that he has one after that number of years.

I think he often was like that to start with, there were probably loads of red flags but because they were small the op ignored them and then it escalated

Well, it depends how much the person is fooling themself.
My x really believes he is a great guy so it was only when I challenged him that I saw the real him. Angry, blaming. Inpatient. Resentful.

At first I thought I'm not explaining this well enough. If I could just find the words to make him understand why it's fair that I get to do x/y/z but.....I was the one who couldn't absorb the facts, ie, that he was not being reasonable. I've changed. I absorb the facts in front of me now.

I agree with Whelmed though that humans are meant to change! There's actually something developmentally stunted about not doing - its just that commited couples are meant to change (mature) together in complimentary ways ideally!

I don't know. I was with exh 15 years, married for 13 before he turned into a completely different person.

Though, I suppose, I don't think he was hiding it. I think he just changed with no real catalyst. Pretty sure most flat earthers dont hide it for that long. He became a conspiracy nut and hated I wouldn't agree with him. Then became paranoid. Then starred being paranoid about me leaving him and it all went to shit.

20 years - that's how long OH hid it, you'd be amazed at the lengths people will go to, the lies, the gas lighting. There are people leading double lives, people pretending to be straight when they're gay, people with kids they pretend don't exist, people having that last for years and years, and it's always the ones you'd least suspect it of - that's how they get away with it for so long.

No, I understand that we change in some ways but a person’s fundamental character is relatively immovable isn’t it?

Like, I’ve become more generous as I’ve got older and have more, but my generosity was there before, just demonstrated differently.

My DH has certainly changed in some world views but he’s fair, kind, generous, emotional and has been since I met him.

I am just trying to understand how long a person can seem lovely whilst being awful underneath.

@Turningpurple and @Gowithme

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

I don’t think it is so much of the other person changes but rather the abused individual changes and starts to see the abusive behaviour for what it is.

Some people are good at hiding it, some people are really bad at seeing it though

It's often not such a surprise to people one step removed from the relationship

Do people change or do their characteristics become more prominent when time passes?

@oliviastwisted

I don’t think it is so much of the other person changes but rather the abused individual changes and starts to see the abusive behaviour for what it is.

This. I think quite often there are dozens and dozens of flags that don't even get noticed or are considered perfectly reasonable.... until they're not.

A good example is controlling behaviour. It starts with, "but I just want us to spend loads of time together" and is part of the whole, aren't we loved up phase. And before you know it, he's sulking for 3 days if you have an after work drink with a colleague....

Or the supposed lack of confidence/anxiety whatever that makes it necessary for one partner to constantly support and build dup the other one is fine for a long time until the one doing all the supporting wakes up one day and realises she hasn't had any support for HER issues or that she's been so busy supporting him that she's lost sight of her own life. The problem was always there, the lens through which it was viewed was just different.

Pure lies though - those can last for years. Affairs, previous children etc - I'm always amazed when it comes out that these things have been there for ages and yet the person never so much as hinted at it.