partner's ex spends nights at his house

[Survived]

Hi, advice appreciated: I have been with my current partner for two years. He has two adult children (29 and 23). The ex-wife of my partner walked out on him over 7 years ago, and she has re-married. They both are very close to their children (too close, IMO, which is another problem), and go out for meals as a family, and spend key festivities together. On occasion, my partner's ex-wife spends the night at his house, sleeping in another bedroom (so I am told).

I joined them last X-mas, but the daughter went crazy that I spent the night at my partner's house and nobody (except me haha) slept that night because of the massive tantrum she threw. They are now having family therapy, and I cannot come to my partner's house when the daughter is around.

My partner assures me that he has no feeling for his ex-wife and assures me that he loves me, but says that family unity is important for him.

I am not a jealous person, but fair to say I am pissed off. I met up with an ex last weekend, as friends, and my partner went nuts with jealousy and didn't sleep half the night.

I want to give them time to sort out their family issues, particulary with the daughter, but I wonder how long to wait?

How odd and dysfunctional. The daughter shouldn’t have so much control over her Dad’s life and of course he shouldn’t be staying over at his ex wife’s house when their children are adults, not babies.

I’d be running for the hills if I were you.

Good grief, run and don’t look back.

Too much family baggage, a doormat father letting his adult DD dictate his life, the ex-wife staying over regularly, then he thinks he can dictate who you see..just run!

thanks everyone for your giving your advice. The daughter obviously has serious issues behaving like that at 29, and I doubt she will change. But she has her own place (paid by the parents), and only occasionaly stays with my partner. So thankfully, we rarely cross paths.

The question will only come up should we move together, which my partner is keen on. So he would have to give up on visits by his daughter, because there is no way I would leave. He says he is prepared to break with his daughter. I am sad about all this, I always wanted a daughter, I have two boys.

Yes, and the additional crazy background story is that the ex-wife stayed at my partner's place because apparently her adult stepdaughter wanted to throw a party without her around. I can't believe she left. Seriously spoilt daughters all around...

You don't actually think that you could ever live peacefully with him do you? This has got 'restraining order will be needed' written all over it.

Also - children don't spoil themselves. Him and his ex created these people and continue to pander to them. Why on earth do you think things would actually change?

Why would you need this in your life?
Would it be worse to be single?

He's prepared to break contact with his daughter??! That's shocking, I couldn't carry on seeing someone who could do that to their own child.

It all sounds an complete mess. Just end it. It won't get better. Trust me. When i met my now ex he had been divorced ten years and his ex wife had remarried. She still absolutely hated me because I got on well with their adult children to the extent I was excluded from my step daughters wedding. But it was ok for her second husband to go.

No. This won't get easier or better and he will resent you being the reason he can't see his daughter.

Find someone with less baggage, really, throw a pebble, it'll hit someone with less baggage...go out with them.

His reaction to you seeing an ex that you’re friendly with, is curious. Almost like he’s projecting how own behaviours on you and coming up with ‘cheating’…

Whatever they’re doing, it’s fucking weird and not something I’d bother to stick around for. An adult woman throwing a tantrum that you stayed at your partner’s house is bizarre, unless she’s being fed a lie that they’re still a happy family.

@fromagreatheight

Don't wait.

At all.

This is the only relevant answer.

Centre your life back on what makes you happy instead of having to deal with this crap. Let them crack on ruining their adult dc. Fuck that shit OP.

I'm not sure I'd be massively worried about the ex, but the daughter situation is absolutely ridiculous. She's 29 years old, her mother has remarried, she was already an adult when her parents divorced and she's 'throwing tantrums' because her dad has a girlfriend? Absolutely mental.

The double standard is a big red flag in its own right, don't you think?

The ex isn't a problem but the fact that he's accepting his DD's behaviour and says that he will cut her off are massive red flags.

Even in another 7 years, this won't be sorted. Run

Wow why are you sticking around
They are having family therapy
They split up 7 years ago. Why is the adult daughter complaining that you are staying at your partners house so much that no one can sleep. Is she also tantruming about her mums new partner? This is your real issue not the ex. Why is DP paying a 29year?olds rent? Why is she going to stay with him?

But also Why does exw need to stay at his house when the DC aren’t children. I’d maybe get it if they were 5 and waking up on Christmas morning together but this is weird

This dynamic is not going to change. So get used to it or leave.

What does ‘break’ with his daughter mean? Do you mean he’s saying he’ll stop seeing her although her or what? That doesn’t sound likely for someone that’s indulging in family therapy for his ex and adult children. If he was prepared to cut contact with his dd simply because she doesn’t want to be around his partner, then it would make him a shit father and a shit human, so presumably you wouldn’t want to be with him if he did that anyway.

You either need to accept things the way they are or move on.

There’s no happy ending here

Your OP seems to jumble up several issues/ non-issues.

You say they are "too close to their children". What on Earth do you mean by that?!

The spending key occasions together still so their children don't have to choose between parents is very mature. I see no issue with that or one parent staying in the other's spare room for family occasions. It's really great they have kept things so amicable, more people should behave like this. Your "so I am told" comment is troubling. Do you not trust your partner?

His daughter's behaviour sounds bizarre. She is an adult and needs to grow up and behave maturely about her father having a new relationship. I think their pandering to her is beyond weird. Excluding you from these joint celebrations is not on, if you wish to be part of them. Do you though? The way you speak about his ex-wife and children, I'm not sure why you'd want to stay in his ex-wife's house and spend time with them all?

Obviously your partner is being ridiculous about you meeting an ex and you can be friends with whoever you want.

It sounds like you have very different views on things like family, and no trust in each other. I think perhaps you need some couple's counselling to figure out if you can salvage your relationship.

Ah I see it was the other way around, she is staying in the spare room at his house. Apologies. But I don't believe this makes any difference.

Thanks for all your advice. I have ended the relationship and feel relieved. The family of my ex partner is continuing with their therapy and they seem to be really working through their issues.

Good on you, OP, they sound batshit, the lot of them!

Can you imagine when the dd had dc? Lucky escape op!

I’m glad you have ended it , you may need therapy to get over all this . Bizarre family .