Why Can't I Quit Choir?

[zingally]

Should I quit choir?

For virtually my entire life (since I was about 7 or 8 anyway!) I’ve sung in choirs. It’s a big part of my identity and I do enjoy it.

For the past 5 years I’ve sung in a local community choir, which, on the whole has been pretty good. The quality is… not the best… but by the time a concert comes around, we’re making a decent sound.

For the first 3 years we had a very good conductor, very experienced and gave us a good range of pieces to perform. He then retired, and for a term (just pre-covid) we had another excellent conductor.

Then, after 18 months, we re-started choir this past September. But with another new conductor. A young lad who used to be our pianist. He’s taught us well, he’s a perfectly nice guy, but… he’s just not very engaging, and the music he choses is what I’d describe as mostly “semi-classical durge.”

To compound it, my best “choir buddy” left at Christmas, for basically the reasons I’ve described above, and there’s no one else there I particularly gel with. When I’m not actively singing (the bit I enjoy), I do a lot of clock watching.

I know I should just quit. People quit voluntary hobbies all the time (especially ones they pay £5 a week for!), but I’m an awful “stickler” for things, and will just stay with an activity until it either shuts down, or I’m forced to leave for some reason out of my control, like a house move. And there’s JUST enough enjoyment still there, that I wouldn’t hate to stay. It also doesn’t help that I’ve missed the last 2 concerts… For the Christmas concert I had a horrible cough, so stayed at home. And we have another concert this coming Wednesday night, but I have covid!

I also have this thing of “what will they do without me?!” I know I’m one of the more confident singers in my section, who can be relied upon to nail our part quickly and accurately. But then I think, people drop out all the time, there’s a week or 2 of shrugging and “where’s soandso?” but they are quickly forgotten and replaced with someone new. I’ve never got to the swapping contact details with anyone else in choir, so no one would be able to follow up with me, apart from the organisers. And it’s part of a much larger, busy organisation, so they won’t care.

What is this part of me that can’t let go of something that should be simple?

Can you not quit because you’re a people pleaser? You hate letting other people down.

Maybe give yourself a timeframe. Tell the organisers that you will be leaving at Easter (or whenever) to pursue other interests. Maybe then have time off from any choir, try a new hobby, go for walks etc, and if a few months later you find yourself missing it (or they get a new conductor) then rejoin this choir, or find another choir.

I also have this thing of “what will they do without me?!” I know I’m one of the more confident singers in my section, who can be relied upon to nail our part quickly and accurately they will survive.

Can you find a new choir? When things change and something stops being fun it’s time to reevaluate.

Is it a Rock choir? If not I would suggest having a trial week with them. You need a good leader and if the current person is not floating your boat, look around, don't settle! LTC

OP I love choir, so I get it. Our choir has (for reasons personal to the choirmaster) remained virtual only. It’s no fun anymore, what’s the point of choir if I can’t hear the harmonies we are creating? I have quit. Give yourself permission to quit things that no longer give you pleasure. Your choir will develop in new ways without you, or perhaps it will fail. Neither are your responsibility.

Join another choir. I've been in this position several times (I'm male, a tenor and have reasonable sight singing...) A choir is a two way thing, you add value to the choir, but it needs to be satisfying for you too.

Rather than quiting altogether how about seeking out an alternative choir, even if it means spending a few weeks doing both to see if it's a 'lul in enthusiasm' which is quite normal in long standing hobbies or if it is something that is environmental and a change of scene so to speak fixes it. For what it's worth I was in the same situation with a different type of musical ensemble. I stayed and the resentment to different aspects of the group group grew and eventually I quit altogether. I really really regret that decision and wish I'd gone elsewhere. Its knocked my confidence in terms of my ability so I question 'if I'm good enough to go back' etc and can make a million excuses why I can't go back to it but when push comes to shove.....I miss it.

As an experienced musician, I think you have to accept that all groups will have their peaks and troughs. Whether you stick out the troughs is something only you can decide but if you know you love choral singing but you are not enjoying this particular choir, maybe shop around. Some years ago I had been playing with a group for years and it had its good points but the standard was quite low and a few years previously I had moved quite a long distance out of their main area. I knew that I was a key player for them but cut the ties and have found other opportunities which are great.

I quit a choir some years ago and agonised for ages but looking back it was 100% the right thing to do!
I just gradually came to the realisation that I didn't enjoy it, and every thursday evening thought "oh it's choir tonight" rather than "yay it's choir". I didn't like the conductor, didn't really like the music, and eventually decided that if I'm going to give up my limited free time to do it it should be something I enjoy.
I found another choir that I love and look forward to! and don't miss the old one at all.

Would you feel a sense of relief if you never had to go to that choir again? If the answer is yes, I would stop going.