To feel like I should intervene here...but don't know how

[Mummyof287]

Friend (long term, very close friend, lovely person) and her partner put a photo on Facebook earlier of their baby who is literally just 6 months in a forward facing carseat!
He is a big baby whose current weight I'm unsure of but he was 10/11 pounds at birth and has gained consistently since.I know legally its 20pounds minimum for FF (i"m a big RF advocate and my little girl was 3.5 when i moved her round,which i know is older than many) but 6 months whatever the weight seems WAY too young to me due to physical capabilities such as head control etc.I've never seen/heard of a baby that young in a FF seat, and I've been around alot of babies.

I know some may say 'don't interfere' or 'it's upto them he is their child' but I feel like this will keep playing on my mind if I don't say anything to at least inform them of the law/risks/issues with it.
The partner has quite afew kids from a previous relationship, but seems too laid back if I'm honest and not very clued up on certain aspects of parenting from things he says and does.
My friend has two school age girls, but is very impressionable and easily led, doesn't always think about safety enough.

How do I go about breaching this issue in a way that is tactful and sensitive with my friend? She is a lovely kind sort of person but let's face it no-one likes being told how to parent, so don't want to offend her, but really don't feel that baby is being kept safe.

What should I say? :-/

Thanks

It's 9kg AND 15 months before they can be forward-facing. If she's a good friend, then you could ask whether she knows they now have to be 15 months - you wouldn't want her getting into trouble if the police notice. The rules have changed a few times, so she may not have kept up. I'd avoid getting into a debate on the merits of rear-facing for longer - if she's not that safety-conscious then she'll be more likely to listen to the law than the science.

It's 9kg AND 15 months before they can be forward-facing

This is for I-size seats only, not weight-based seats: www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules

OP: let's face it no-one likes being told how to parent I think you’ve answered your own question there.

If it's a type 1 seat, my understanding is that it is legal. I'm a big rf advocate too, but if he is one of those babies that screams when rf, he might be better ff. A screaming baby can make it impossible to concentrate on the road.

U.K. law is If it's a type 1 (weight based) seat FF has to be at least 9kg (=20 pounds) for it to be legal & safe to use - if registered with right European safety mark.

Average weight of 6 month old boy is about 18 pounds, so a big baby boy will likely weigh more than that.

Either way, it appears plausible that your friends (parents to this baby) have checked it out. It's not hard to Google "HM Gov car seat rules" and it doesn't sound like you read them all the way through ! Hopefully your mind will be able to rest now ..

"
I know some may say 'don't interfere' or 'it's upto them he is their child' but I feel like this will keep playing on my mind if I don't say anything to at least inform them of the law/risks/issues with it."

I'd go with your first instincts, as what they decided upon FF car seat is legal in U.K. if it is right one (type 1/ weight based) and you've no reason to believe it isn't at this point (?), it's also felt to be safe by U.K. and it is their parenting decision.

Can't see any good coming out you saying anything about why you prefer RF car seats when your friends will just hear a criticism of their (perfectly valid and safe & legal) parenting decision.

Hi thanks for the replies- I wouldn't try and impose my views on anyone in regards to 'rear facing for longer' as whilst it's undeniably a fact that it's best, i appreciate that it's upto each individual parent to decide how long they do it for.
The only reason I was shocked and thinking i should maybe intervene was due to his age, as I thought a baby needs to be at least 9 months aswell as 20lb.But it's reassuring at least to hear a bigger 6mth old baby could be 20 pounds...guess it was the fact he can barely sit unaided I was abit concerned about.
I will casually drop into conversation when i next see her the question of how much he weighs.
If i do say something I certainly won't be doing it in a preachy way. Not wanting to be judgemental or condascending about it, was just genuinely concerned about a baby that young in a FF seat being illegal and/or unsafe.

But you are being judgemental. Honestly, if you value the friendship don’t say anything. It’s not your place to share your disapproval of something which is in all likelihood safe and legal. There is no way of you coming across NOT judgemental or condescending.

I’m not saying you can’t think these things privately by the way, but do think really hard about actually saying anything to the parents.

Couldn't you just say to her 'its the wrong way round, btw, Police will get on your case unless you reverse it!' Job done, surely?

Oh but please don't mention weight, that'd be awful, some babies are just massive. Both mine were massive as well and ate healthily and appropriately now but I got a couple of fat baby comments - horrible. They're both like whippets now.

Yes it's not your business.

You are dressing up concern for the car seat issue with your list of other thoughts about their 'questionable' parenting anyway. You've managed to shoe horn all your other thoughts into your OP.

I'm sure they've checked and made their decision based on what's best for them. Parenting is hard enough without 'well meaning friends' passing judgement, which basically means them making parenting decisions you disagree with. We all do things differently.

Keep quiet or realise the moment you open your mouth you could cause damage to your friendship.

I’m sure your friend knows the baby should be rear facing because it’s pretty common knowledge. If you say anything it’ll just spur the friendship.

Although just wondering if it’s a spinning seat?If it is then maybe they’ve just taken a photo of it FF because they want to document the new seat or whatever and it’s hard to get a picture rear facing but then spun it back for travel.

I would expect a good friend to say something to me if they thought I was (unintentionally) doing something dangerous, because I would expect my friend to be concerned about my baby. It would trump being seen as ‘judgemental’.

In all honestly I make a point of not getting involved in other people's choices, and that goes for friends and family alike. That's something I've chosen to do because I have to keep my own anxiety at bay while bringing up my own children, and it takes a lot of effort. I have to put boundaries in place and mine are that I am not responsible for anyone else's children, otherwise I would feel responsible for not "having said something " for every little thing, long after mine have passed that stage
. Rules around child safety change quite quickly, and it's good that you are informed. Do you think your friend is the kind of person to rationally listen to you and possibly change the way she seats her child, or would the "saying something" be a relieving guilt mechanism for you if something were to go wrong, and she's the kind of person who wouldn't take any notice. If it's the second then I'd keep out of it, if it's the first then tell her you think it's safer a different way.

Thanks @Mamapep!

I would never come out with it in a nasty belittling way or anything, and i'm not going to insult the size of her baby... I just thought maybe I could drop a subtle hint somehow about it, as I honestly don't think she would necessarily know the laws and advice.
It is not an isize or spin seat.

She is a lovely person but very laid back...for example, she had all the symptoms of pre-eclampsia when pregnant but didn't go and get checked even when told to by midwife (i did give her a gentle push of encouragement on that, out of concern for her and baby,and she did then go the next day)

Sometimes as friends I think its important we do get involved with advice and guidance, as long as this is done in a caring and supportive way.She is the kind of friend who has come to me for advice before, so not someone who never asks for others input or perspectives.

@Mummyof287

Great so that's a good thing that you know it may be legal and may be appropriate and you can subtly ask or mention and your friend will be open to a general chat.

It's very difficult to navigate differences in parenting between friends - at least you have had some reassurance so you can stop worrying yourself. (It's still your friend's parental responsibility to check and reassure themselves)