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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws don't want to see us

23 replies

mag2305 · 27/03/2022 17:30

Myself, husband and children have all recently had covid. Still testing faintly positive with no symptoms at all for days now. My husband is day 14, I'm day 11 and children day 12. So we're all past the 10 days mark.
My inlaws (in their 50s) have also got covid and have got over their symptoms but are just a couple of days behind us. Being mothers days, I thought we might be able to pop in to see them for a little while as we had gifts but they seem to think that we could infect each other with different variants! As far as I'm aware, there is one main varient at the moment so it's likely we all have had that. The strange thing is, they picked it up from a busy pub party so they weren't worried then.

Now, my feeling is they just don't want to see us despite them saying they miss the grandchildren. They're always full of the right words, how much they love us all, etc but their actions and behaviour are very different. They are becoming more distant it seems. It's sad because they're moving away at the end of the year to retire in a more rural location and it really feels like they're cutting us off. Could it be that they just don't care?! My 3 year old son got really upset today because he wanted to see them and he just doesn't understand but I guess it's the way things will be.

Personally I feel sad as my family is very small, just my parents as I'm an only child which has always made me feel quite insecure. When I met my husband, it was lovely to have another family but now it feels like it's being taken away.

Maybe this is just me feeling a bit sensitive and insecure but am I being unreasonable to think that my inlaws are trying to cut ties with us?

OP posts:

altforvarmt · 27/03/2022 17:33

Have there been other instances where they've declined to see you, or is your feeling of being cut off based on this single instance?
They're entitled to move somewhere else if they want to. It's not a slight on you or your family. Unless there's more going on that you're describing here?

Original poster

mag2305 · 27/03/2022 17:38

It could be that they're not totally being upfront about something going on possibly. They really struggle with showing any problems, weaknesses, etc. which of course, is just life. To them, everything has to be fine.
So it could be that something else is going on that they won't open up about. All I can say is, they are not ill from covid as they've been working on the garden and doing dog walks.

Of course they're free to do whatever they want but it would almost make it easier if they said, we just don't want to see you for whatever reason then we know where we are.

OP posts:

CanIHaveASnaaaaak · 27/03/2022 17:39

Everyone has different comfort levels with Covid. Some people don’t want to isolate as it is no longer a government requirement, some still wear masks, some will still change clothes and sanitizer when coming in from a shop/work.

If it’s only because of both bubbles having covid and still testing positive the. I would try not to over think it. If you think there is more at play, I would talk to DH as he probably understands his parents better and may agree/be able to make you feel better.

Ponoka7 · 27/03/2022 17:44

" All I can say is, they are not ill from covid as they've been working on the garden and doing dog walks."

I had Covid two weeks ago, I'm in my 50's. I'm back out and about, but underneath I'm tired and snappy. I didn't do anything for my Birthday and haven't for today, unless you count going to Tesco. I've got no patience. They could be feeling their age and that they need to slow down. Do children stop loving their parents when they relocate? I think that your expectations are a bit much shaped by you wanting a bigger family.

altforvarmt · 27/03/2022 17:58

I'd asked if there was more to this than you're describing because, if your feelings of rejection are based on this one incident, your reaction seems very strong, more than seems warranted.

Yes, you can stew over how Covid risk-averse they are or aren't, or what they've being doing whilst having Covid, but if they've declined a single visit from you, your reaction appears disproporionate.

Does your DH feel similarly rejected or does he shrug and say "meh, they're my parents"?

Floralnomad · 27/03/2022 18:01

I think you are totally over reacting , I wouldn’t want someone who was still testing +ve in my house whether I’d just had it or not and I am out and about all the time and not particularly taking any extra precautions.

PuffinMcStuffin · 27/03/2022 18:11

Are you the poster that posted about your inlaws buying a new house and moving away and you felt utterly hard done by that they are moving?
If you are, then yes you are being ridiculous again.
They are your inlaws and are perfectly entitled to live their lives with out seeking your permission.

MadMadMadamMim · 27/03/2022 18:16

My 3 year old son got really upset today because he wanted to see them and he just doesn't understand but I guess it's the way things will be.

Then you should have calmly explained to him that Granny and Grandad aren't feeling very well and that you have all been poorly, so you'll see each other soon. No need to be a drama llama.

Mummytobe93 · 27/03/2022 18:24

Bingo @PuffinMcStuffin 🙄 …

AnotherPoster · 27/03/2022 18:27

I would just assume they are still feeling tired and washed out. Cut them some slack.

Mummytobe93 · 27/03/2022 18:41

I’m coming from a good place @mag2305 really - have you ever considered going to therapy?

You remind me of my sister, she’s a serious overthinker, quite self centred and very anxious person in general. She overanalyses everyone’s actions and tries to find a double meaning of things. I think it all stems from lack of confidence in her own judgment and insecurities (she always looks if and how other could harm her). She can come across as rather intense, questioning us. For example , she has got two dresses - a blue one and a green one. She asks me which one suits her best. I say the green one. In response I get 10 questions such as “why do you think that?” “What’s wrong with the blue one?” “Does it make me look fat?” And so on … me and my mum are scared to give her any opinion or advice anymore!

Some of your threads give the same vibe…

Mummytobe93 · 27/03/2022 18:45

Basically, try not to overthink stuff and take them for what they are. Once you understand not everything is aimed at you personally (your in laws move etc) I think life will become much easier for you. I know it’s not easy to change the way you perceive the world around you, hence I suggested the therapy.

maddy68 · 27/03/2022 18:50

How entitled. They are worried about covid. You are still testing positive. They are not being unreasonable. You are

Aprilx · 27/03/2022 19:00

I don’t and have never been particularly anxious over covid, but even I can see that it might not be a good idea to deliberately mix with people when either they or I are positive for it.

And so what if they are moving away, lots of people have plans like that for retirement and when they are older.

I let me husband manage the relationship we both have with his side of the family, to me it is a bit strange to be overthinking what your in-laws do so much (and particularly if you are indeed the poster that has commented don this before as I also saw that thread).

Original poster

mag2305 · 27/03/2022 19:01

@Mummytobe93 I totally get what you're saying. I do have my own issues and anxiety is a very big issue in my life. I do tend to obsess over things. Plus, PND twice after both children.

Selfishly (and I don't want to be shot down for this), maybe my inlaws are part of our support network and we need them. I guess it feels like rejection from them.

When our son was born 3 years ago, they were so excited but it didn't last. Our daughter is only 8 months old and they're not really that interested. My dh is the one who calls them, sends them messages, etc otherwise we don't hear from them really.

I know I sound dramatic and probably a bit mental (hides face). Yes, I've got my own problems but I don't think I'm totally overeacting. I'm just confused by my inlaws.

I do need to stop overthinking, it doesn't help.

OP posts:

MaudieandMe · 27/03/2022 19:01

Presumably they’re not feeling that well and the thought of entertaining anyone especially a toddler will be too much for them. But I think they were trying to spare your feelings so made up a silly excuse.

I’m in my 50’s and currently have Covid. Oldest DS FaceTimed us today but I found that pretty tiring as DGS wanted to chat about his drawings etc.

I think the fact you’re jumping to ‘they don’t care about us’ just because they want to move to a rural location is very childish. Why shouldn’t they be allowed to live wherever they want to without having to consider your feelings on the matter?

We live abroad from our adult children and obviously they can’t simply pop round weekly but when they do visit for holidays, we make sure they have a lovely time.

Tainging99 · 27/03/2022 19:04

They will balance their risks and how they are feeling post covid. Seems totally acceptable for them to decide this

Original poster

mag2305 · 27/03/2022 19:05

Can I just check, if people are still testing positive for 14 plus, would you continue not to see your family for potentially weeks or months? I understand there may be exceptions with serious medical issues. But if not, isn't the advice that over 10 days you're only 5% infectious? And my previous point was that my inlaws also are at the end of it so how can we infect each other? If I'm wrong, I'm wrong but I don't really understand where people are coming from on that particular issue.

OP posts:

slashlover · 27/03/2022 19:10

If your family are 11, 12 and 14 days and they are a few days behind does that mean they are less than 10 days?

Mummy1608 · 27/03/2022 19:14

@mag2305

It sounds like they're not just scared of being infected, maybe they're just tired and don't want company. It's probably not about you and your dc personally. They've recently had covid and it's exhausting.

When we had omicron recently I had it "mildly" as in I wasn't coughing much and didn't need medication. But I still lost over 2kg of weight and had recurring back pain for weeks. Wasn't in the mood for socialising for a while!

Gilly12345 · 27/03/2022 19:35

I would love it if I didn’t have to see my in-laws, it would be wonderful.

There is nothing much you can do if they don’t want to see you, maybe wait until Easter it’s only a few weeks away.

Keep your family busy with fun times, families can be complicated.

BurntEnds · 27/03/2022 19:38

Give them a break they've just had covid.

Electriq · 28/03/2022 17:59

If I was still testing positive on lft, I would still avoid my family, yes.

Make arrangements with them for a few weeks time for a belated mothers day.

Try to stop making emotional decisions, try to be more logical, ask for their input too.

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