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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mums silent treatment

20 replies

Horseshooes · 27/03/2022 14:17

It was my mums birthday. I was due to go around to see her after work. As soon as I arrived she greeted me with a face like thunder and before I could even say hello snapped at me "Well are you going to wish me a happy birthday then". I was so taken aback by her attitude I didn't reply immediately. It turns out none of our family had messaged her in the morning (she is not on speaking terms with my siblings and her parents are a bit rubbish with birthdays). I am a single mum and the mornings are pretty hectic trying to get out the door to do the school run and get to work on time so had not messaged her myself, but as I was due to spend the evening with her I didn't know this was a 'rule'. I explained this but she then continued to repeat how offended she was a further four times over the space of the next few hours.

I had spent money on a thoughtful gift which I couldn't afford, and whilst money isn't important, it definitely soured my mood when she ungratefully took it from me with little to no acknowledgement, presumably because she was so upset with me.

It's been weeks now and she has barely spoken to me. I have messaged occasionally which she has bluntly replied to. I assume she is waiting for an apology but I honestly don't feel like I need to give one and that she is merely taking out all her upset out on me, despite me being the only family member who is ever there for her.

I am getting to the end of my tether with the emotional manipulation that has been going on for years, and just waiting for the blow up from her to come next!

OP posts:
SickAndTiredAgain · 27/03/2022 14:19

Sounds like your siblings have the right idea tbh.

Prettynails · 27/03/2022 14:25

You need counselling for you. My parents - nothing was ever good enough - ever. They stopped talking to me and a year later after counselling it’s a bloody relief.

Stop wanting a relationship with a normal parent - she isn’t one.

In my case if my parents ever wanted a relationship they can apologise to me. And it would need to be heart felt - they will never as they are Narcs.

Stately homes thread on here - try it

BeautifulDragon · 27/03/2022 14:27

You'll never win. There will always be something that you've done wrong.

I've no advice, but my Dad is exactly the same and will ruin every occasion. I actually think he sits at home crossing his fingers and toes that we will forget his birthday/ father's day etc so he has something to sulk about.

jytdtysrht · 27/03/2022 14:30

No wonder your siblings don’t speak to her.

Have you considered they made the right decision?

HellToTheNope · 27/03/2022 14:31

I say this gently, but you know what your mother is like, and your siblings don't even talk to her due to her behaviour. She is never going to change, op, and these tantrums have nothing to do with you.

Take the hint from your siblings and go NC.

ShanghaiDiva · 27/03/2022 14:34

There is no need to apologise. Your mum is acting like a toddler.
She is the one who should apologise for her behaviour.

girlmom21 · 27/03/2022 14:48

Yeah there's a very good reason your siblings are NC...

Was she alone all day on her birthday with no acknowledgment until the evening though? Because that's sad if so - obviously not your fault but she needs friends or something.

noirchatsdeux · 27/03/2022 15:24

Back in 2009 I was going to fly to Australia to visit my mother - I'd not been 'home' for 10 years, and my then H and I had saved for nearly a year so I could go...I was only working part time as I'd had a serious relapse of my bipolar that year.

About 3 weeks before I was due to go I get a call from my mother, saying she's had a heart attack... my late MIL gives me £500 so I can bring my flight forward. New flight involves a 18 hour stop over in Hong Kong...so skint I can't afford to book into a hotel for the day, so end up spending 6am to 12pm in the airport.

Finally arrive in Australia at 5am in the morning...my younger brother (who was living with my mother at the time) meets me at the airport, we go to their flat. At 8am my brother says it's late enough for us to ring the hospital...first words out of my mother's mouth was a angry 'why aren't you here visiting me?" My brother gets on the call and tells her we've just been told visiting hours don't start until 1pm...when the call ends I just look at him and burst into tears...

Turns out, when I accompany her to her Drs appointment after she leaves hospital (she's only in 2 nights) that she didn't have a heart attack, it was an angina attack. I nearly laughed when I saw the murderous look she gave her doctor when he said that...she treated me like absolute shit the whole time I was there, I ended up cutting my trip short by 3 weeks, as she wouldn't 'let' me go anywhere or do anything without constant angry messages asking me where I was.

That was 13 years ago, she's in better health than me and I've not seen her since. Never had an apology for the lies or how she treated me. I'm now low contact with her.

You owe your mother nothing.

Original poster
Horseshooes · 27/03/2022 19:03

@girlmom21She did spend the majority of the day alone yes, but that was through choice. She doesn’t seem able to maintain particularly close friendships, and those that are either live far away so don’t spend much physical time with her or are more friends in relation to her work so it’s more business than personal.
She insists not not telling people it’s her birthday but clearly wants them to ask as she drops hints that it is. If no1 asks she thinks they are weird! E.g. she brought in cake to work but didnt tell them why. Then moaned to me that no1 asked her or guessed!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 27/03/2022 19:07

What does she do for your birthday?

Lurking9to5 · 27/03/2022 19:08

Eurgh, so petty and immature

Lurking9to5 · 27/03/2022 19:12

Do not apologise!!! That will only train her to believe she can cast herself as the martyr whenever she wants.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/03/2022 19:15

She sounds awful, but I agree you won’t change her.

Original poster
Horseshooes · 27/03/2022 19:19

@noirchatsdeux That’s very sad and I can definately relate to some of that behaviour. I think living further apart would definately help my situation!

Can I ask why have you chosen low contact rather than none at all?

OP posts:
Sicario · 27/03/2022 19:20

You're on a hiding to nothing if you expect her to change. There will be a reason why your siblings have gone No Contact with her. All you need to know is that this is not your fault. It isn't you. It's her.

Original poster
Horseshooes · 27/03/2022 19:22

@HollowTalk To be fair to her I did go back and check that she messaged me last year for mine! Which she did. But nothing else in particular.

I understand that people have different opinions about what they think is rude or not but as others have said, nothing I could have done would have been right. Even if I had messaged her she would have found something to moan about/matyr herself over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Horseshooes · 27/03/2022 19:27

I know and understand why my siblings are no contact, however they have the added benefit of not living near her, which I do (and that isnt likely to change soon). She has always treated me differently anyway and until I saw a counsellor a few years ago I didn’t really see just how much she has affected me still to this day. I revert to being a child whenever she is around me, it’s hard.

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 28/03/2022 12:18

@Horseshooes That's a good question, and sometimes I do wonder myself. Basically, my mother and my younger brother are the only family I have left. After my father left her for another woman, my mother emotionally blackmailed me and my two brothers into cutting all contact with him. I'm not even sure my father is still alive.

My younger brother is bad at keeping in touch, and the only way I still have contact with him is through my mother. Also, when I was 14 my parents moved us to the other side of the world and cut all contact with my grandmother and extended family for nearly 8 years. This was back in the early 1980s, when it was a lot easier to just 'disappear'...contact was on re-established when my younger brother got drunk on his 18th birthday and rang my grandmother. So I suppose I'm also trying to prove I'm 'better' than my mother by not doing the same to her...

Mary46 · 28/03/2022 12:24

Awful op. My own does it its like a control thing. I decided am not pandering to. Only thing is she gets more devious. Dont pander to this. Low contact. Mine sulks if not her own way

millytilly34 · 28/03/2022 17:27

So sorry, hugs. This is nothing to do with you, and all about her. It's very hard on you Xxx

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