Aibu about all the posts about rubbish men

[Shoxfordian]

I see the posts every year about men doing nothing for Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day or birthdays etc.

Here’s a clue; if he was rubbish last year then chances are good that he’ll still be rubbish and nothing changed this year.

If you’re single this time next year then you’ll be much happier than with a man who can’t be bothered to organise anything for you.

So true. Every single year and it's so depressing.

It amazes me really. Selfish men aren't selfish for only one or two 'special' days a year. If you're with one, deep down you know what they're like, that they don't care about anyone but themselves, that they don't respect you. Subjecting yourself to a continual hope/disappointment cycle you know is coming followed by martyrdom isn't far away from masochism.

People dont post anything positive as it usually gets shot down in flames.

Valentine's day there was a positive post any a users husband most of the replies were:

Why does doing the basics make home great

Why is bar set so low for men

I've not long got out an abusive relationship this is all I needed.

Yep

It’s desperately sad that some women’s bars are set so low (based on their life experiences) and their lowlife partners can’t even be arsed to meet them. One or two lie ins a year, a bunch of flowers and a card. Everyone can manage that. It’s obvious though if they don’t care/pull their weight every day they’re not going to care once a year.

YANBU at all, it’s always amazing to me how men show their true colours bold and proud most days of the year and yet some women are still flabbergasted when they act an arse.

It’s not as easy as “becoming single”

If you do, you usually do then not live with your kids full time - and many mothers will stay with a crap man so they can live with their kids always. Many will hope that the crap man will grow up or become similarly loving as when they were first together.

Not to mention the lifelong fallout from divorce.

My dh and dc made an effort - this isn’t about me at all. My kids are teens anyway. But I am astonished that anyone thinks a divorce is a good answer to problems. It’s a monstrous trauma that creates loads of new problems.

My thoughts exactly.

If he sleeps in every weekend and you haven't had a single one since your DC was born then this 1 day out of hundreds is the least of your problems.

I honestly despair at the women whose bar is so low they think asking for a cup of tea to be made for them literally just once is too much to ask. How fucking depressing.

@TibetanTerrah

So true. Every single year and it's so depressing.

It amazes me really. Selfish men aren't selfish for only one or two 'special' days a year. If you're with one, deep down you know what they're like, that they don't care about anyone but themselves, that they don't respect you. Subjecting yourself to a continual hope/disappointment cycle you know is coming followed by martyrdom isn't far away from masochism.

Yes the special days are a complete red herring.

If your partner makes you feel loved and special every day, whether he marks Valentine's Day or birthdays stops mattering.

If you need him to prove his love by making the barest effort 3 times a year, I'd guess that he isn't showing love or making an effort the other 362 days.

Yup. It drives me mad how so many women on here have such low expectations, of both their partner and themselves.

So many act like passengers in their own lives, like they can’t effect change or make decisions for themselves.

I’ve been on two threads this week that have made me what to chuck my phone across the room for these reasons.

@jytdtysrht

It’s not as easy as “becoming single”

If you do, you usually do then not live with your kids full time - and many mothers will stay with a crap man so they can live with their kids always. Many will hope that the crap man will grow up or become similarly loving as when they were first together.

Not to mention the lifelong fallout from divorce.

My dh and dc made an effort - this isn’t about me at all. My kids are teens anyway. But I am astonished that anyone thinks a divorce is a good answer to problems. It’s a monstrous trauma that creates loads of new problems.

It's not. But you can't force someone to change if they don't want to. So it's either divorce or accept the fact that this is your life. We have choices.

If your partner makes you feel loved and special every day, whether he marks Valentine's Day or birthdays stops mattering

100% agree with this.

But some men do make an effort for the first couple of years then by the time they stop it’s not as easy as just becoming single

@Merryoldgoat

Yup. It drives me mad how so many women on here have such low expectations, of both their partner and themselves.

So many act like passengers in their own lives, like they can’t effect change or make decisions for themselves.

I’ve been on two threads this week that have made me what to chuck my phone across the room for these reasons.

All of this.

@Merryoldgoat

Yup. It drives me mad how so many women on here have such low expectations, of both their partner and themselves.

So many act like passengers in their own lives, like they can’t effect change or make decisions for themselves.

I’ve been on two threads this week that have made me what to chuck my phone across the room for these reasons.

Me too.

Any man is better than no man it seems.

I decided years ago to not have any expectations regarding Mother’s Day. It’s just another day. We’re a loving family but after a few crap Mother’s Days I decided not to anticipate anything great, then if the DC do surprise me, fabulous. If not, it’s what I expected.

Birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas - no complaints.
Mother’s Day - expect nothing.

@Bdhntbis

But some men do make an effort for the first couple of years then by the time they stop it’s not as easy as just becoming single

If they stop making an effort after a couple of years then that is the time to address it. Mostly though what I see is that the men have always been like this.

Any man is better than no man it seems

I’m so tired of reading the ‘I can’t be alone’ posts - what’s so scary about the fact of it?

And the rushing. Pregnant and moved in with your older kids after a few months then surprised when it starts to go to shit. It was almost inevitable - you didn’t know them.

It’s not as easy as “becoming single”

If you do, you usually do then not live with your kids full time - and many mothers will stay with a crap man so they can live with their kids always.

It isn’t necessarily easy, but I always assume that men who are crap and make no effort for their partner’s birthday / Mother’s Day / V-Day are also more than likely pretty crap fathers who wouldn’t put themselves out much to want them very much after separation.

I used to find the “scared of being on my own” women frustrating, but MN has actually changed my view so that it now makes me sad: more often than not it’s a result of low self esteem and poor self confidence, not feeling they’re worth very much, being afraid their lives will always be shit regardless.

I do agree. My bar isn't set low at all, my partner is usually pretty great. Last year I was spoilt, I have no idea what happened this year and I do feel pretty crappy about it

We went to sainsburys this morning because DH hadn't got his mother anything (he sorted stuff out for me)

Massive queue of men buying flowers and picking over the last few cards.

I mean ... it's not like the shops haven't been full of stuff for weeks.

Women don't seem to have the same issues with Father's Day 🤷🏼‍♀️

Very true that a rubbish man is unlikely to change.

I just skim the threads and wonder why their whole focus is their man, on Mothers Day.

Id be off out with DCs, or focus on a nice day at home with them, if not that then pampering myself. No way would I make Mothers Day all about what a man does and doesnt do.

Lots moan about Valentines Day being commercial nonsense, and scorn women who are into it. Yet the very next month, come Mothers Day mass-complaining 'he didn't do this or that for me', then theres wholesale agreement that the man is rubbish.

Arent they both commercial nonsense days then?