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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mothers day/fathers day equivalence?

51 replies

mumbug · 27/03/2022 10:42

AIBU that Mothers Day is more significant than Fathers Day? My husband is ignoring Mothers Day because I ignored Fathers Day. Is he being a dick or am I for thinking he is?

Surely mothers day is about acknowledging the unpaid extra work that women do, whereas fathers day is just made up to sell cards or whatever?

Vote yes, they're equivalent and IBU
Vote no, mothers day trumps fathers day

OP posts:
NalPolishRemover · 27/03/2022 11:45

Definitely equivalent here & we mark both. We have a teen now but I know dh chatted with them about plans & drove them to town to get cards etc

I've had breakfast in bed with card & beautiful tulips & a special bun from m&s

Dh got a ton of m&s food yesterday so we'll have some of that later

We do similar on fathers day

I've always thought it important for children to participate & experience celebrating some one else.

I would be dad if my dh had let the day go by without helping the dc mark it over the years

He's a very good husband & father all year around & we equally participate in family life

NameChangeCity123 · 27/03/2022 11:45

I think it's fair to ignore your day when you ignored his 🤷🏼‍♀️

sweepeep · 27/03/2022 11:46

How ridiculous! YW TOTALLY U to ignore Father's Day!! Mother's Day does not trump Father's Day...not in my house anyway! Unpaid extra work? What is that @mumbug

Florenz · 27/03/2022 11:51

Father's day was invented by Hallmark to sell cards. Just like Grandparents day. At least Mother's day has some kind of historical basis too it even if it has been co-opted by the greedy companies who sell a bit of card for £3 - ridiculous.

LabelMaker · 27/03/2022 11:51

Its unfair to not acknowledge him as a father and then expect him to acknowledge you as a mother and expect him to make the parenting more equal

anotherheadache · 27/03/2022 11:57

YABU.

You feel that because you choose to have traditional roles, (so assuming he's main bread winner and you're DC primary cater) Mother's Day is more important? Well isn't his traditional role of providing for his family important too?

A card squiggled on by DC and breakfast in bed isn't hard for either of you to do once a year just to show that you appreciate each other (if DC are young so can't make own arrangements).

So if you don't do one why on earth would you do the other?

Ponoka7 · 27/03/2022 11:59

@sweepeep

" Unpaid extra work?"

The majority of mum's do the early years hard graft. There always seems to be exceptions on here, but in RL I don't hear anything father's doing the sleepless nights, nursing through illness etc. That's without the physical side of pregnancy, birth, bf etc.

OP, I acknowledged FD because my DH was a good father. Are the roles unequal in terms as parenting, as well as housework? Does he do other nice/kind things for you? It was quite nasty of him to do nothing. Marriage shouldn't be tit-for-tat, communication should be happening if one of you feels hurt.

sweepeep · 27/03/2022 12:04

@Ponoka7

The majority of mum's do the early years hard graft. - and the majority of fathers at this time go to work to keep the family in a home with food...

There always seems to be exceptions on here, but in RL I don't hear anything father's doing the sleepless nights...my dh always changed dc in the night and helped settle them, got up early with them whilst I caught up with my sleep,

nursing through illness...obviously he couldn't do that but he did pretty much everything else etc. That's without the physical side of pregnancy, birth, bf etc.well I think MOST women know what they are getting into when they have a baby...a man can't birth a baby and go through the physical effects of birth so we can't hold it against them.

Turningpurple · 27/03/2022 12:12

@mumbug

no drip feed planned and i'm not looking for relationship advice. ftr our gender roles are quite old fashioned so i feel like every day is fathers day here. we are working on changing things though

anyway, interesting that most people see them as equivalent

So you work less on are a sahm?

You say Mothers day is about all the way you work mums do. Its not, but could you say in your case its to show appreciation that he was full time and provides for you all financially?

I think its really poor to ignore father's day but expect Mothers day to be a thing tbh.

sweepeep · 27/03/2022 12:16

I'm interested in what you would think if you went to work and he stayed home @mumbug

AnotherEmma · 27/03/2022 12:18

I see your point but you're still being unreasonable I'm afraid.

Mother's Day is for children to show their love and appreciation to their mothers, and Father's Day is for children to do the same for their fathers. Obviously while the children are very young it's the other parents who does it on their behalf, and then helps them do it, but it's important to do I think.

In theory mothers and fathers should be equal parents (even though in reality the majority of mothers do a lot more of the parenting) so I think it's completely right to celebrate both days.

I say this as a feminist and I do think mothers should get credit for everything they do, but I don't think this means you can ignore Father's Day completely.

You should have got him a card, at least.

He is being very unreasonable to ignore Mother's Day, though, that's "tit for tat" and pretty cruel. I hope you are feeling ok. Perhaps you could find some way to treat yourself today?

If you feel there's an unfair distribution of "wife work" and other labour in your relationship, you need to address that separately from Mother's Day.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/03/2022 12:21

I think they’re both a bit pointless but surely if you’re going to acknowledge one, you acknowledge both? So, YABU.

Ginger1982 · 27/03/2022 12:32

YABU to ignore FD and get pissed off when he ignores MD. It's petty but there you go.

Momicrone · 27/03/2022 12:35

Both big days in our house, why turn down a chance to show someone appreciation?

whitewashing · 27/03/2022 12:42

@Chikapu

They're both made up over hyped days to sell cards and tat.
I always bought my parents gifts on ‘their’ days. As I got older I bought mum perfume/her favourite chocolates/vouchers for her hairdresser eg. When she got older and was in poor health I bought her nighties/warm bed socks/books etc. Dad was also given thoughtful gifts. Why does every gift received on MN have to be described as tat?? And, no, before the usual ‘I prefer to be appreciated all year round, not just one day’ (as if it can’t be both!) I did appreciate my parents all year round, but made Mother’s Day and Father’s Day extra special for them. Nothing wrong with that surely?
Original poster
mumbug · 27/03/2022 13:50

ok, good to know IBU to have ignored Fathers Day.

I am not a SAHM.

I do need to share out the wife more.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 27/03/2022 13:52

My dad told me about 30 years ago when I was a young teen that Father's Day was a silly modern invention and he didn't want it acknowledged. In contrast to Mothering Sunday which had a historical basis he recognised and strongly encouraged. So that's what I do. Every few years I check with him he hasn't changed his mind and he cheerily confirms he has not.

I get DH a Father's Day card from the DC while they are too young to do it themselves because he feels differently. But then I'd be happy not having Mother's Day marked for me. The things DC make at school are lovely and I treasure them but if DH got an additional card on top of that I'd think it was a but silly.

Original poster
mumbug · 27/03/2022 13:53

@mumbug

ok, good to know IBU to have ignored Fathers Day.

I am not a SAHM.

I do need to share out the wife more.

the wife work more, i mean
OP posts:
Bagadverts · 27/03/2022 13:59

If you are not happy with the balance in your roles in your family talk to your husband. If you can’t get to agreement ultimately a difficult decision of whether to leave.

Mother’s Day and Father's Day are equally important if a child has both parents unless there is some kind of abuse/other issues.

sweepeep · 27/03/2022 14:00

You could stop calling it "wife work"for a start!

HeDidWhattt · 27/03/2022 14:06

What’s wife work?
Two people work, two people run the house….it’s as easy as that.

KosherDill · 27/03/2022 14:06

@mumbug

AIBU that Mothers Day is more significant than Fathers Day? My husband is ignoring Mothers Day because I ignored Fathers Day. Is he being a dick or am I for thinking he is?

Surely mothers day is about acknowledging the unpaid extra work that women do, whereas fathers day is just made up to sell cards or whatever?

Vote yes, they're equivalent and IBU
Vote no, mothers day trumps fathers day

No, it's not about acknowledging "unpaid work." 🙄
BendingSpoons · 27/03/2022 14:06

I think your view almost makes it worse. Kind of 'it's OK to take her for granted 364 days a year as long as we buy her a present and breakfast in bed on Mother's Day'. It feels a bit patronising to me.

I get that the two have different origins and I get why some people don't feel their DPs deserve to be celebrated, which is a much bigger issue. But I think now most people view them both the same.

VyeBrator · 27/03/2022 14:10

I find if the husband and wife actually like each other and the kids like their parents, it's all equivalent. Especially if no-one's childish enough to start playing top trumps.

The people who gripe about Mother's Day/Father's Day have nearly always got something else going on in their relationship, and a Hallmark day is the least of their worries.

babywalker56 · 27/03/2022 14:16

I think they’re both equal and one doesn’t trump the other. If you ignored Father’s Day how are you so entitled to then expect him to do something for Mother’s Day? Unless that’s the set up in your relationship which it doesn’t sound like it is tbh

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