To expect visit from inlaws after loss of a baby?

[Journeylikenomother]

Our much longed for first baby was stillborn at fullterm in the height of covid. 3 rounds of IVF later and we are now expecting another baby this summer. Needless to say, we've not had an easy time of it.

We live a long way away from my husband's family but it is do-able: a cheap 45 minute flight or a long drive. Apart from his parents and just one of his siblings, none of the others have come to visit us or our baby's grave. Getting photos of his brothers and their families skiing in France and visiting friends in other far away places has really started to grate on me. My husband makes a HUGE effort with his nieces and nephews and siblings so it's disappointed me so much that even losing a baby isn't enough of a reason for them to return the support. I get covid was a barrier to travel initially but not so much now. Before our loss, I was v close and pally with one of the SILs but I barely ever hear from her now at all. It's all just so weird.

By comparison, my siblings have been wonderful... Remembering significant dates, checking in regularly and just being there.

With this second baby now on the way, I feel my in-laws have skipped a huge chapter in not recognizing the baby we've lost.

AIBU to expect them to have visited at least once since our baby died 18 months ago?

Congratulations on your pregnancy.
YANBU and I wouldn't be inclined to share much about your current pregnancy or the bay when it is born. Instead I'd be taking comfort and support from your siblings.

Were they waiting for an invitation, do you think? I remember complaining to my SIL that her parents never came to see us, and she said “they won’t come if you don’t invite them”, which gave me a bit of a wake-up call because my parents would just invite themselves!

So sorry for the loss of your baby. I will say that families can be so different in grief, and your dh's might be the type where deaths aren't mentioned. My dh's are like this - my SIL had a baby boy prematurely after many years of IVF. He very sadly died after several weeks and no one (including them) acknowledges him. One of my own dc was born around his birthday and I mentioned this and it was made very clear that I shouldnt bring him up.
So don't assume it's because they don't care, they might just deal with it very differently.

I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s completely understandable your hurt by their lack of acknowledgment of your much loved and missed first born baby

I’m so sorry to hear you had a stillbirth @Journeylikenomother, my heart goes out to you. I can completely understand how hurt you must feel by your in laws action (or rather inaction). Do you think it’s possible they are avoiding you and your husband because they don’t know how to handle the situation? Death can make so many people act inappropriately - usually in the form of avoidance in my opinion - and I wonder if the death of a baby would make people act like that even more. For example people seem to think if they don’t mention things that’s best so as not to upset the affected person/people; as if others not mentioning it is going to take the pain away. I know someone who had a stillbirth, and when she was pregnant again only one person acknowledged that she had mixed feelings about the pregnancy. Everyone else was totally excited and didn’t acknowledge that she herself felt both excited and petrified at the same time, and also that another baby was in no way a replacement for the stillborn baby. I don’t think your in laws behaviour is okay; just trying to think of reasons and could genuinely imagine that they don’t know what to do so they avoid it altogether?

I think initially it could have been understandable because aside from travel restrictions, some people prefer to grieve privately and without visitors. They may have felt like they didn't want to intrude or get in the way if you would rather be alone. However, the fact that it's now been 18 months and they haven't visited at all or checked in to see how you're doing etc would say a lot to me, actions speak louder than words.
Did they acknowledge what would have been the baby's birthday in any way?
What has your Husband said about it?

I'm sorry for your loss OP and congratulations on your pregnancy! 💞

I'm not going to vote as I get that you are upset and hurting and I'm not really sure AIBU is the place for this conversation, but I agree with homeedregret and DancinOnTheCeiling , also what HeddaGarbled said.

No, I wouldn't expect them to visit specifically because of your loss. In truth, although the grave may bring great comfort to you, I wouldn't expect other people to visit a grave either.

I am sorry for your loss. I understand that anger is a very normal and natural part of the grieving process, but I don't think your in-laws have done anything wrong here.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Families have very different ways of dealing with grief. It makes sense your side of the family deal with it in a way that is understandable to you as this is how you have been raised if you know what I mean. It makes equal sense that your husbands side of the family deal with it very differently - neither is right or wrong it is just different. very much like the previous posters example with parents visiting, families have so many different norms, eg to help do dishes when visiting to call beforehand or drop in, etc so many variations of family behaviours

YANBU, and I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you a safe delivery.

How were they during your first pregnancy? I wonder if they have pigeon holed DH as uncle to their own dc, and not a father in his own right?

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

It must be incredibly hard to know they've skipped over such a difficult time in your life. I will say that pregnancy and infant loss still isn't talked about much and people tend not to know how to deal with it or what to say. I wouldn't necessarily have expected them to visit but maybe a card and some flowers at the least.

I would probably keep that distance from them if they still haven't tried to visit or made much contact. Not necessarily because of how they've dealt with your loss at the time but that they've kept their distance now. These ILs are a type of 'fair-weather friend' that will bring you little support and you now know where you stand.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Honestly, no, I wouldn't have expected them to visit. And I wouldn't expect them to bring up your darling baby, because in my experience, people don't. Until they forget, say something accidentally slightly close to the bone about babies or death and then look horrified to see if you say anything back.

Same for visiting the grave. People think it's not for them, they don't want to intrude. They don't understand its the only place you can go and bring up your baby without people being uncomfortable.

But I would have expected a sympathy card, or acknowledgement text. And I'm so, so sorry your darling baby died. There is no pain and horror like it.

Gentle congratulations on your second baby, and sending love to you on mothers day ❤️

I think they probably don’t know what to do or say.. rather than trying to be deliberately hurtful.
No, I don’t think other people tend to visit the graves

Thank you all for bringing some perspective to all this. As some have pointed out, people deal with grief on different ways. I just find it really odd. I do wonder if there are some cultural differences here, I grew up with extended family rallying round in difficult times, rather than standing back. Visiting the bereaved and the grave is very important.

DHs parents do see it and have acknowledged a bit more effort could have been made by some of them. We hear a lot of "but they're all so busy". Interestingly, the one who has been most supportive has been the BIL/SIL whose baby was born around the same time we lost ours. Our relationship is better than ever as a result.

I have had a few friends who never picked up the phone or even sent a card when our baby died.
I have now adopted a f* them attitude to these friends. Some I haven't told that I am pregnant again. Perhaps I need to adopt a similar attitude to the inlaws!

Agree with posters above. So sorry to hear about your first baby. Dd1 died 3 years ago and no one knew what to do. We saw PILs once that year, at her funeral. They never mention her. I am 20 weeks pregnant and we haven’t told them since they clearly aren’t interested in supporting us. I hope you get to bring your rainbow baby home.

Gently, I think YABU, but YANBU to feel any way you want. I think covid robbed you of so many of the rituals around bereavement, I'm sure under normal circumstances they would have travelled to the funeral. I don't think people would often visit the grave after a funeral. Were they supportive at the time even though they couldn't physically be there? Before covid did they visit you or would you have visited them or seen them at the in laws? Have you all resumed your normal patterns yet?

I agree it's likely they don't want to intrude, especially if coming to visit means bringing their children to stay in your house. They may worry that would be cruelly insensitive.

It would be natural for them to visit when your new baby is born. If you would like them to visit the grave at that time don't be shy in asking - only a particularly heartless person could refuse that request. They'll likely want to be lead by you so don't be afraid to lead them.

I have had five miscarriages and the inlaws have never once mentioned them or asked how I was or anything. My husband told them and that was it. I felt very unsupported by them at the time as their behaviour towards me did not change one little bit, they were always bright and breezy and it made me feel like shit. Husband had a word once and was told they just didn’t want to talk about it.
Lucky husband mad my family were amazing.

I am so sorry about the terrible loss of your first baby, and of course your first baby will be in your heart as you wait for this second beloved baby to be born.

I am genuinely sorry, but I don't think it would be fair to punish your inlaws for how they've behaved over this. Not only are there wide differences about what constitutes the "right" way to act in any bereavement, there's a whole added layer of baggage attached to stillbirth and miscarriage. It's assumed by many people to be an intensely private grief, often hidden away (and I know it aouldnt be, but that's how it often is), and they wouldn't dream of intruding on this grief without a specific invitation to do so. They may be waiting for an invitation, or to be led by you or told what you'd like , or any number of other things.

Congrats on your pregnancy and so sorry for your loss. What a difficult time for you.

I don't think it's surprising that they haven't visited. I also don't think it's surprising or 'wrong' that they haven't acknowledged your babies birthday or other dates. You are thinking that this shows they don't care but this isn't necessarily true. Everyone deals with bereavement differently.

In my family we don't pay any attention to dates. It's not because we don't care about people it's just how we are. We don't have funerals or wakes or anything significant to mark when someone dies. I've got it written into my will as have my siblings and parents.
Other people can't read your mind. If you think they are being uncaring by not doing the things you want them to then why don't you get your husband to speak to them.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm sorry for your previous loss.

Definite cultural difference at play.

I lost a baby close to term, and apart from one sister who called to check I was ok four days after the loss, none of my family would dream of asking about it.
For us it's too personal a grief to be intruded on. I wouldn't expect them to ask. I held together because they didn't ask. If they had made a fuss about it, I would have fallen apart.
It's so difficult a thing to judge. Don't let it colour your future relationship if you can help it

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have an idea of how you feel, as I was stunned by the attitude of some family/friends after I lost my child.
My advice is to give them zero headspace if you can possibly help it. I know that's hard, but it can start to eat you up IME.
It certainly did in my case.
You and your DH are the only people who matter right now and I do feel for him having such cold parents.
My inlaws were spectacularly awful after my child died.
I didn't cut them out for DH's sake, but I did cut them right out of my heart.
I wish you all the very best

I'm not surprised you are upset and disappointed in their lack of support after your baby died. I don't think a visit to offer condolences was too much to anticipate.

However, you don't need any stress as you've a second lovely baby on the way, so I hope you can get this out of your head. People have this amazing ability to forget what's not immediately in front of them, hopefully they'll be sensitive, supportive and loving around you when they do see you.

Tragedies or times of difficulties are often the time that you find out who really has you in their thoughts most. Those are the people I stick with, and I don't go out of my way for those that show otherwise on the few occasions we have really needed help or love shown to us. No need to make a big deal, it gets noted though....

I'm very very sorry for your loss