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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I leave DP?

29 replies

Sarah9024 · 26/03/2022 16:32

I need some advice. Really want to leave DP, we have 2 children together so I feel like he thinks I am trapped. I need to know there is a way out..I work PT and earn £14k per year but I can easily up my hours to full time. DP earns a good wage. I’m just worried if I actually am trapped? How do you single mums do it?

OP posts:
RiojaRose · 26/03/2022 16:37

Of course you can leave: any time, for any reason.

Many women in bad relationships find it’s easier to be a single parent than they expected (because they were already doing everything, or because leaving an abuser gives you your confidence back).

Ideally, make a good plan and then implement it rather than just walking away in the heat of the moment - depending on your circumstances. If your partner is abusive, contact Women’s Aid.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/03/2022 16:39

Single mums do it every day.

What you need is good, sensible financial advice. Do you rent or own, do you have or need childcare, have you run the numbers through a benefits calculator, can DP hide his income or is he waged, will he be unpleasant or OK? There are so many variables.

Original poster
Sarah9024 · 26/03/2022 16:41

I think he thinks I trapped financially but I’m not am I?

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Planetbippop · 26/03/2022 16:44

You can definitely leave, no it's not easy at first but you adjust & become the leader in your own life. You choose the direction & it will be the best thing you ever do.

Original poster
Sarah9024 · 26/03/2022 16:46

Yes I need you help with a plan. He is literally no support with the kids so I won’t miss that. We probably won’t have the life we have now but I will be happy? And can always climb my way up at work to earn money? Why do people say women are trapped when they aren’t married and want to leave but are financially dependant on partner so can’t?

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RainbowToes · 26/03/2022 16:47

No, you're not trapped.
If you want to leave you can.
Life is much better when you do leave, men seem to think we can't live without them...this is completely wrong!

Original poster
Sarah9024 · 26/03/2022 16:49

I’m not going to do it until I have things set I. Place. I’m going to up my hours at work next week I think they will be grateful for it if anything

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Planetbippop · 26/03/2022 16:49

Sarah9024 you just have to remember , it's now how you start off your new life, it's where you end up. Your sense of freedom, making all your own decisions, you'll feel 1000ft tall 😊

FridaynightCry · 26/03/2022 16:49

Just do it. Leave. You will ALWAYS find a way to survive. Survival instinct of humans is insane.
Look into childcare options if you need to. Up your work hours. And don't look back. You got this

picklemewalnuts · 26/03/2022 16:50

Better to leave sooner, give you more time to recover financially.

The trapped bit is when you've spent all your money maintaining your home and dc, while he saves all his, and you have no right to the house. If you were married, you'd have a claim on the value of the house and his savings/pension. Cohabiting doesn't give you that right.

BrokenRecords · 26/03/2022 16:51

If you a d your kids would be better off without him then do it. If there's ni abuse then make sure you have tried to make it work first

BrightonBunny · 26/03/2022 16:55

Don't forget he will have to pay you a percentage of his net pay - 20% as a rough guide.

You will probably be entitled to UC/Tax credits, and I don't think they take maintenance into account when calculating the benefits you get. Use this calculator to find out www.entitledto.co.uk/

Do you rent or own? Honestly it's the best thing I ever did. Life is so much more peaceful now.

Musereader · 26/03/2022 16:58

People feel trapped usually because of housing and finances, they won't have the lifestyle of the combined income and they are afraid of being homeless, when I left mine, he was the one who left and I kept the jointly rented house, but lived at my parents for the first few months just in case he came back, only went back to live there properly after he gave the key back.

When my sister left hers, he had actually been arrested and part of the bail conditions were that he not come back to thier joint rented house. It could have been different though because she was planning to take the children and leave

For most people if they can't get him out, they would have to leave and be homeless and throw themselves on the mercy of thier Council to be housed and most people don't like that idea, especially a non earner with a high earning partner.

You are in a better position than some because you are earning and you can separate finances and at that wage you will get some UC (I am on 21k with 1 child and I get about 600 + childcare).

Original poster
Sarah9024 · 26/03/2022 17:39

Any mums progressed in your career after becoming single parents and any advice?

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Original poster
Sarah9024 · 26/03/2022 17:39

Obviously I want to provide for them both myself if I can

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RainbowToes · 26/03/2022 19:05

I've just got a job that's absolutely perfect for me that allows me to pick up DD from school every day. I've been doing some studying for an extra qualification over the past year.
Honestly, life is much more peaceful and far less stressful without my ex in my life. Wish I'd left sooner.

Wallywobbles · 26/03/2022 19:07

I left my job and started a company once I'd lost my dead weight ex. It was a mountain to climb but I was no longer dragging him behind me pulling in the opposite direction.

And I was boss of my crew. Life was an adventure because we made it so. Do it.

SaggyBlinders · 26/03/2022 19:24

Before you up your hours, I would look at what benefits you might be entitled to if you left him. When my friend left her useless husband she was entitled to £500 a month.

She is much much happier now, and finds it easier than she did when she had deadweight husband hanging around.

Original poster
Sarah9024 · 26/03/2022 19:26

Can I ask how old you all are? This is really reassuring thank you ladies! Obviously not going to do anything until I know for sure I’ll cope

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SaggyBlinders · 26/03/2022 19:29

My friend was in her 30s. She wishes she'd done it years ago though.

Original poster
Sarah9024 · 26/03/2022 19:32

It’s hard because obviously you also don’t want to tear the family apart! They love their dad but honestly he is just a play mate! Have to beg him to change my youngest nappy and by the time he has got round to it I have done it myself, he’s lazy, selfish…we have been together for 14 years and I noticed such a change when the kid arrived

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Original poster
Sarah9024 · 26/03/2022 19:35

He also won’t deal with any of the kids when they are Not well as his job is more important!

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Original poster
Sarah9024 · 26/03/2022 19:35

Than mine I mean

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IncompleteSenten · 26/03/2022 19:39

Do you have some savings? You might need a bit behind you in order to get everything sorted. Particularly if he refuses to leave the house and you have to.

Original poster
Sarah9024 · 26/03/2022 19:41

I have a bit yes. We agreed a while ago I would stay in the house with the kids. Unless he turned really nasty you just never know do you?

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