Infidelity

[Emmaheather]

My husband has an affair 5 years ago. I found out as he accidentally sent a text to me intended for her (I was devastated and shocked). He was totally remorseful, we had couples counseling and things got a bit better (although still some issues/ups and downs). He recently told me he has had contact with her on 3 occasions over the past 5 years, including meeting up once. He also said he still has feelings for her and was unsure about his relationship with me. At my request he's moving out. He's now totally remorseful again and says he's now clear he wants to be with me. I don't know what the future holds but I'm clear he needs to move out at least for now.He doesn't want people to know he had an affair.
AIBU to expect him to be honest with people, including his family, about his infidelity?

First time around not many people knew about his affair but I now wonder if this allowed him to sweep it under the carpet and not accept/own what he did and the hurt he caused. But I also wonder about the negatives of lots of people knowing, particularly if we do manage to rebuild things.

YANBU at all to expect to be able to explain to people why he's moved out. This is a situation of his own making. I'm not saying I'd proactively mention it without being asked, but if somebody (including one of his family) said 'What went wrong between you?' or 'Why have you asked him to leave?' I would be honest about it in a calm and polite way. I wouldn't say 'The cheating bastard shagged someone else' but I would certainly say something like 'Some years ago, he had an affair. We did everything we could to get past that but he recently suggested that he wasn't sure if he made the right decision by staying with me and has kept in touch with her intermittently. Although he now says he wants to stay in our marriage, this is obviously all a lot for me to process and I need some space to decide how I feel.'

The only thing I would say is that if you do decide to have another shot at your relationship, there might be people who don't want to be around him any more because of what he did.

I would have kicked him out at the very first instance I’d realised I’d been cheated on.

You only found out because he text you by mistake. If you didn’t find out do you think he would have confessed at any point?

Is the OW single? Married? Do you know anything about her?

He’s only remorseful because he wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants you and the OW as options.

Please don’t let him come back. Once a cheater always a cheater I’m afraid. There is no future. Do you have DC?

As for him telling people he’s had an affair. That’s on him. He can tell people whatever he wants. If anyone asks you why he’s moved out, you can be honest and tell them (if that’s what you want) or you can cover for him.

No one, and I promise no one will think badly on you if they know the truth. The hurt caused was by him.

He had his chance to put it right and he texted her behind your back and met up with her within the last 5 years.

You had couples counselling. You had to have discussed transparency, honesty and fidelity and also agreeing presumably on zero contact with his affair partner surely? He's really got no excuse here, has he.

For what it's worth you are not obliged to give people a reason for you breaking up. You can just say it's private and you don't want to discuss it. I know plenty of people who've split from their husbands and I'm none the wiser as to what happened and nor would I ask!

On the other hand if you do want to tell people, feel free to tell whoever you want. You don't owe him anything really, the risk of you going around telling everyone he was shagging on the side was only created by him going out and shagging on the side!

Or you can keep it vague and say he broke your trust if you like and let people join the dots themselves.

I think it was perfectly reasonable that you tried to make it work, and I think it's possible to move past it. But he really, really doesn't seem committed to atoning for a pretty massive fuck up. If he was really, truly sorry that would be one thing, but he doesn't seem like he is. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't behave like this towards you.

I'm not sure why you'd consider having him back, he's proven he can't be trusted.
If it were me I'd make him tell everyone, or I would, why should it be swept under the carpet? also i wouldn't give him any more chances, he's had enough.

He’s shown you who he is, believe him and tell others.

My dh had an affair 14 years ago, after counselling and a total commitment to our marriage by both of us, we stayed together. Our marriage is fabulous now, dh has never wavered a moment since the day I found out. If he told me he'd met up with ow in that time or that he still had feelings for her it would be over, no third chance full stop. It would kill my feelings in a heartbeat.

He only is determined he wants you not her because it'll tarnish his reputation when people find out what he is.

He doesn't get to call any shots here.

You do whatever you need to do to get through this. You can't get the support you need if people don't know the truth and he's the reason you need the support.

14:45incognitoforthisone I think I need to memorise that sentence! My temptation is obviously to say the cheating bastard line, but I know that's not who I want to be but I do want to be honest and open if I am asked.

“He had an affair” is the complete truth and can be said calmly.

He’s trying to make you complicit in the secrecy of his betrayal. That’s a double wrong.

Why do you want to stay with someone like this? Or hesitate on your actions in case you have him back. Know your worth! Move on.

I’d tell anyone that would listen that he’d had an affair. He does not deserve for you to cover it up for his own comfort.

They’re clearly not going to give each other up, so your choice is to separate and explain why to people, or turn a blind eye to his feelings for her and stay married. It’s unrealistic to expect monogamy from him so that’s not a viable third option. You are probably better off cutting your losses tbh.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I reckon she's turned him down, so he's staying with you. Sorry if that sounds brutal. I'm not sure how you could trust him again.

Of course you need to be able to tell people, and get support. And he needs to accept that he can't pretend this didn't happen and is going to have to own his behaviour.

You don't need to cover for him, but you can be the bigger person by just openly and honestly talking about it when asked.
You're not the bad guy here, he is, if he doesn't want to tell his family then that's on him but he can't expect you not to be honest if asked.

You both have some news. He can choose not to tell people his news, but he cannot control your choice to tell them your news.

He needs to go. He is keeping his options open. Don't fall for the bullshit. He thinks nothing of you and your relationship. Dont kid yourself otherwise.

Even after you forgave him, he still had the audacity to contact her 3 times afterwards, including meeting up? He says he still has feelings for her and doesn’t know about his relationship with you, he doesn’t give a shit how his words or actions impact you. I’d tell everyone his dirty secret, he doesn’t deserve your protection. I know I am not the one dealing with this and I’m sore sorry you are. It would be game over and out if he had pulled that shit after. You deserve better OP x

He doesn’t get to play games with your heart and call the shots like that without being made accountable. Why should you feel guilty? You didn’t cheat. He doesn’t get to demand that you continue to protect his reputation amongst your friends. You NEED them.