AIBU in thinking there's actually nothing Incan do about my toddlers listening at Nursery?

[AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps]

DD is 2y3m. And the last couple of months upon returning to nursery after Christmas, she has moved up to the 2yo and has steadily refused her lunchtime nap whilst there. She might nap 1 time a fortnight for about an hour.

The staff have also commented about her listening, or lack of listening at nursery. They say she will do things like, get down from the table at lunch time repeatedly. Pump soap from the sink, and will go back to it moments later after being asked to stop etc

Problem is... She's fine at home. She never gets down from the table half way through a meal, and will tell us at the end of a meal that's she's finished and wait for us to get a cloth to wash hands and face, and then she will take her plate to the sink. $he's fairly generallycompliant at home, and will do things when asked/told etc maybe 8/10.first time. And the rest of the time is because she was distracted or intent on something else etc
It's very rare I would have to physically intervene to get things done.

Anyway... The staff are telling me this listening issue...as if I can have a word with her and get her to change her behaviour or something.??

Also, her speech is "advanced". She speaks at the level of a 3yo, which I feel is actually part of the problem. They're forgetting she's much younger than she comes across.
Also, isn't it completely normal for this age kids to explore their boundaries???

I also sent them a video of how I give her instructions, like ...there's literally no point saying "DD don't do X" she just stands there and smiles and chatters. I ask her ,"DD do this" and she happily complies. She's not old enough to comprehend that "Don't do X" actually means "Do Y instead of X".

Yes, I know nursery is different, in that it's noisier and not 1 to 1. But, the manager even said that her staff do the "Don't do X" and she knows that isn't as effective as " Do this thing".

I'm not PFB and think she's perfect. She's not. And doesn't always listen first time, and occasionally I have to still intervene, get down to her level, ensure she is paying attention, repeat the instruction, lead her to the desired outcome etc as needed (eg, lead her upstairs or carry her if needed etc)

Anyway, AIBU to think that they should just get on with it and sort it out and there's nothing I can actually do?

Yes not much you can do when shes two if you enforce good behaviour and listening at home
But she should understand dont touch the soap if her speech is advanced , or the word no - although they often don't use this know
But that age they choose when to listen and some kids grow out of naps sooner than others

The issue isn't with your child, who is acting exactly her age. It's the nursery's responsibility to stop her from doing things they don't want her to do. Why is she able to get to the sink if they don't want her there? Etc. It's a matter of kindly and gently enforcing that boundary, again and again and again, and in a physical manner if necessary (stopping her), not asking a very young child to obey verbal commands. Completely inappropriate expectation and I'd challenge them on that. So no, not unreasonable on your part.

My LO is 2 and a half. We regularly have conversations that start with "Littlediamond's mummy, can I have a word"? from the nursery manager, who the proceeds to ask "does Littlediamond do as they're told at home? Do they help tidy up? Do they sit the table until everyone's done"?
Our reply is usually 'no', because Littlediamond is a right monkey. Nursery doesn't expect us to change anything, they just want to know if Littlediamond is just playing up for them or if they do it for everyone!I
YANBU - you have boundaries at home, there's nothing more you can do (we have boundaries too, Littlediamond is our third and by far worst behaved baby so sees every boundary as a challenge to overcome!).

@AliceTheCamelHasFiveHumps

DD is 2y3m. And the last couple of months upon returning to nursery after Christmas, she has moved up to the 2yo and has steadily refused her lunchtime nap whilst there. She might nap 1 time a fortnight for about an hour.

The staff have also commented about her listening, or lack of listening at nursery. They say she will do things like, get down from the table at lunch time repeatedly. Pump soap from the sink, and will go back to it moments later after being asked to stop etc

Problem is... She's fine at home. She never gets down from the table half way through a meal, and will tell us at the end of a meal that's she's finished and wait for us to get a cloth to wash hands and face, and then she will take her plate to the sink. $he's fairly generallycompliant at home, and will do things when asked/told etc maybe 8/10.first time. And the rest of the time is because she was distracted or intent on something else etc
It's very rare I would have to physically intervene to get things done.

Anyway... The staff are telling me this listening issue...as if I can have a word with her and get her to change her behaviour or something.??

Also, her speech is "advanced". She speaks at the level of a 3yo, which I feel is actually part of the problem. They're forgetting she's much younger than she comes across.
Also, isn't it completely normal for this age kids to explore their boundaries???

I also sent them a video of how I give her instructions, like ...there's literally no point saying "DD don't do X" she just stands there and smiles and chatters. I ask her ,"DD do this" and she happily complies. She's not old enough to comprehend that "Don't do X" actually means "Do Y instead of X".

Yes, I know nursery is different, in that it's noisier and not 1 to 1. But, the manager even said that her staff do the "Don't do X" and she knows that isn't as effective as " Do this thing".

I'm not PFB and think she's perfect. She's not. And doesn't always listen first time, and occasionally I have to still intervene, get down to her level, ensure she is paying attention, repeat the instruction, lead her to the desired outcome etc as needed (eg, lead her upstairs or carry her if needed etc)

Anyway, AIBU to think that they should just get on with it and sort it out and there's nothing I can actually do?

The child is 2 years and a few months.

Are we seriously saying "she has a listening problem"?????

She is tiny, a baby almost.

Let her be.

Said form the point of view of someone who really wishes she could go back and not worry!

"But she should understand dont touch the soap if her speech is advanced"

She understands what you're saying. But she doesn't understand that when you say that what you're actually doing is asking her "come over here now". If that makes sense?

They did make a comment a few weeks ago about how she will look back and check their reaction for something. Like she'll go over to the sink and look directly at her keyworker and then reach for the soap. And then they do the whole "don't touch the soap" etc
Now to me, that's boundary testing, (and normal) and they should have intervened a few weeks ago more strongly. she's been allowed to not listen to the workers, and now they want me to fix it??

I have, for now, suggested that they stop referring to themselves in the third person with her, and be clear with instructions and firm.
Eg Don't say something drippy like "LittleAlice, Sophie thinks you should stop touching the soap..." be firm and direct and clear with the expectation... and say "LittleAlice, I'm telling you to put the soap down and come and stand by the table". She's comply (at home) to that, even though it's wordy. She can comprehend and follow two step instructions.
Very occasionally I'd have to get down to essentials "come here" / "put the soap down". Etc

Not sure if there's anything else I can do :/

"Are we seriously saying "she has a listening problem"?????"

I'm not. The nursery is suggesting that she is struggling listen to staff

I think she's just being two and is acting in a way she's been allowed to in that setting. 🤷

Toddlers are notorious for not listening. It's absolutely normal. DD is 3 and has to be reminded numerous times a day to listen to what I'm asking her to do. Nursery mention jt but not in a way that they expect me to do anything about it, just in a 'what they were working on today' type thing. So 'Mini Hugasaurus has a good day but struggled a bit with listening when it was time to tidy up, but then she helped with X and did Y.'

The only reason I mentioned naps and room change, is that it all came together and, she gets super tired. She was in bed and asleep by 5:30 today and will sleep to 6:30ish. She usually sleeps to 7:30, but has been waking early these past few weeks with the light. (Despite a black out blind!)
I didn't know if her tiredness was a contributing factor.

She hasn't settled (I don't feel) with her new keyworker, which I raised a few weeks ago with them. And they said they would work on that with them both.

Maybe it's just end of term struggles and Easter Holidays will do them all good :D

And in balance, the same member of staff at pickup was bigging LittleAlice up with what she was doing on Monday. So it's not all negative feedback 😂😂😂

Op yes i agree she is just being a normal 2 year old and testing boundaries and i get what you mean
There is nothing you can do as like you say most if the time at home she complies , maybe it is the wishy washy way they speak at nursery and things now
Mine would of understood more direct as thats how we speak , someone long winded way they would switch off
She just sounds like a normal little 2 year old to me and yes they need to learn to manage
She still really a baby

I think you need to start telling her not to do things and introduce social context into instructions. You can’t expect every nursery worker to stop giving her direct instructions that other kids her age would understand (and they do - I work in a nursery and most NT 2-3 yos can understand ‘no’ and that ‘don’t do that’ is code for stop and come here). As for her speech being advanced - this something we often track along with comprehension so we can help spot things that need to be referred. If your DD is reading / speaking well but not understanding what she’s saying or what others say to her it’s a red flag.

I doubt they are asking you to do anything, they are just keeping you informed and including you.

You wouldn't be happy if every day you were told everything is fine and then 6 months later at parent's evening you suddenly hear she's being a little monkey for the first time.

‘don’t do that’ is code for stop and come here
No it isn't "don't touch the soap" means take you hand off the soap or don't press the soap. "Come here" means come here. There isn't a code.

Are you sure they're telling you because they expect you to do something about it? They should definitely be keeping you informed, and you should absolutely share strategies. (Though "do this" rather than "don't do that" is a fairly standard technique to encourage good behaviour at even older ages. They shouldn't need you to give them this advice.)

I think you've touched upon an important point, OP, when you referred to her language skills being advanced. I had exactly the same experience with DS (3). His behaviour was that of a 2 year old, but he was able to articulate himself well and therefore the expectation of him grew to levels he couldn't meet, because his impulse control was still very much consistent with his age.

With hindsight, I expected too much of him and so did nursery. It's really easy to forget that physical and cognitive abilities don't always align and develop at the same time.

Just a thought, but are there older (3 year old, for example) kids in the same room? Does she mix with older kids? DS always seemed to gravitate towards older kids and the nursery manager said to me that they kept forgetting that he was one of the youngest. Maybe they're allowing fewer concessions.

Other than that, it's a bit of a no-win for the nursery staff. It's really difficult to strike a balance between telling you too little about what's happened during the day and going over the top.

There is nothing you can do. Mine would block up the sinks with wet tissues after splashing around on a frequent basis, not once did they talk about listening or ask me to do anything else as it's part of exploring at that age. I didn't think it was ok but they seemed to take it in their stride.

Just try and be consistent with what is and isn't expected, even if the language is slightly different. She will get it eventually. Speech and cognitive understanding are not necessarily on the same page at that age.

Isn't this just typical 2 yo behaviour? One of mine is 2 ATM and she never listens. I don't think my older ones were any better when they were 2 either. Nursery just need to get on with it, it is literally their job ffs.