to expect my mum who is not talking to me not not make arrangements with xdh to see my kids?

[jenk1]

me and my mum fell out nearly a month ago, she hasnt seen or phoned my kids for almost 3 weeks.

today she went to xdh,s house and was chatting to him saying are you and jen still friends, how are you etc, and id phone jen but i dont think she,s talking to me.

xdh said he felt embaressed and uncomfortable.

Then she has arranged to have my kids for tea next sunday to "give him a break"

erm, what about the other 90% of the time i have them then?

im fuming but i refuse to phone and have a row cos thats what she wants, she thrives off arguments/causing trouble.

I don't understand this. You and your mum have fallen out, but she wants to see her grandchildren. She doesn't want to speak to you because you've fallen out, so she arranges with xdh. Sounds reasonable to me.
Am I missing something here? What do you mean about the 90% of the time you have them - are you saying she should have them to tea during that time to give you a break?
If so, how can she arrange that if you and she are not talking?

I'm mystified.

On the face of it, there's nothing unreasonable about a grandmother wanting to see her gc's (and vice versa, of course). As Elasticwoman says, how can she arrange to see them on your time with them if you and she aren't talking (i.e. you are not talking to her just as she's not talking to you).

So don't phone and have a row. How about phoning and making up with her? You haven't said anything about what caused you to fall out but you're surely not planning on never being in direct contact with your own mother ever again, are you?

if she wants to see the children she should come to you IMO

i think its very undignified to be washing your and hers dirty laundry to the estranged partner and father of your children - just v. bizarre.

if she really wanted the kids and not an argument or to stir up trouble so people would notice her - then she would swallow her pride and ask you

becuase as a reasonable person i am sure that you wouldnt deny her acess to her grandchildren if she has previously been involved int heir lives and isnt some kind of mad nutter from mars or anything

yes i think its v. bizarre to go to your xp

and the other thing to note is that she is involving him in an argument that does not concern him - she is taking away the time he has of a weekend with his children and maybe putting him in an awkward position if he is not strong enough to say "erm no - i only see them two days a week i think you should speak to jenk and make seperate arrangements"

agree with custardo

yes what you say custardo is what i think, when we first fell out nearly a month ago she emailed me and arranged to see the kids, it was all very civilised etc, so now why she has to go round to xdh,s give him crap about how we are not friends and ask him if he is friends with me (whats that all about?) and make him feel very uncomfortable i dont understand, but then she is a drama queen/attention seeker but this could cause trouble between me and xdh, and tbh yesterday i felt miffed with him cos he didnt stand his ground.

i want to email her and tell her in future to arrange contact with me but i
a, dont want to rant and rave cos thats what she wants.

b,need to let her know quite firmly that as the kids live with me its wrong for her to go behind my back and try and stir trouble with xdh and that it puts him in an awkward position.

but i dont know how to do that without saying it angrily, if anyone has any ideas id be most grateful

thanks

Agree with custardo.

And I think you just explained really eloquently why you have a problem with her arranging to see your dcs. I would write an email with the 2 points in exactly as you have written them just now. Maybe add that just because the 2 of you are not getting on at the moment you would not deny your children the chance to see their Granny but that it is inappropriate to go behind your back when they live with you.

OK so what I just said was exactly what you said! Never mind - you put it well!

Start a letter in 'word'. Par out any of the obvious bile. Leave till next day, par out the bitchyness. Have a really good look at it, par out the unnnessesary flotsam, then send.

discoverlife, i don't there would be much left to send

But there would be. Please arrange dates for taking DD's out with me. And when do you want them next.
There need be no mention of the fight between you two at all. A stiff formal requestis all thats needed.
I had a major split up with my Mum, it lasted 2 1/2 years. We are the best of friends now, sometimes they just need to be shown that , yes, I can manage my own life without you and to prove it sod off.