Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To ask you to make me STOP worrying about reception age DD

27 replies

Hell0G00dbye · 24/03/2022 16:21

I have NC but am a regular poster.

I don't suffer with anxiety or over think things but recently I have been worrying so much about my DD (age 4). She has come home from school upset again as she isn't invited to another friends birthday party. There have been 3 recently in a short space of time that her best friend has been invited to and she hasn't. I have reassured her, told her they are still friends, tried to be bright and breezy but I feel so sad for her.

Her teacher says she is chatty and has lots of friends. I make a real effort with the parents and have children over for play dates, which are reciprocated. I don't know why I am overthinking and worrying- normally i wouldn't bother me at all and my rational self knows that parties have limits, kids friends change day to day etc. I will be doing a party for her but she is born in June so it will be late on in the year (I know a friends child got invited to loads of parties after they had one!)

How do I be a normal rational person again. I couldn't sleep last night for worrying DD was going to be some kind of social outcast for her whole school life. She then skipped happily into school with her friends. I think I am channelling my repressed anxieties about the war/cost of living etc etc into this which is silly!

OP posts:

zingally · 24/03/2022 16:45

Aw, bless you.

Reception class teacher here.

Friendships at this age change like the wind. All of a sudden, they're best friends with a random kid they sat next to in phonics that day, and the kid they've talked about all term is forgotten!

I promise you, if her teacher says she's fine, and she bounces into school happily, there's nothing to worry about.

Original poster

Hell0G00dbye · 24/03/2022 16:56

Thank you so much @zingally. I never thought I'd be 'that' mum! I think I take any rejection from her friends far harder than her

OP posts:

trilbydoll · 24/03/2022 17:00

DD2 is writing her birthday guest list. I have to get her to do it several times to identify who we should actually invite. If she didn't happen to play with someone that day they are dead to her honestly it's a nightmare and unless you do a whole class party you are relying on a small child!

Duopingu · 24/03/2022 17:02

You know you're overthinking but it's really hard not to I know so am just sending a hug x

If she went into school happy or isn't that bothered about invites then it isn't worth worrying about (yeah I know easy to say!). Pick your worry battles - there's plenty to choose from at the moment as you say!

It's hard when I used to see other kids at events on FB via their mums and thought "why wasn't DS invited" but he was largely oblivious tbh. We worry more than they do I think.

It just means you care though so don't beat yourself up, I know it's hard when we FEEL so much for them. My mum said when you have kids you wear your heart on the outside of your body and it sort of makes sense! We feel their pain and I think also we project on them a LOT. E.g. I had horrid time at secondary and I was on edge for the first couple of years for my elder son waiting for it all to go wrong. Guess what, he was absolutely fine but my nerves were shot with worry!

Original poster

Hell0G00dbye · 24/03/2022 17:52

Thank you so much @Duopingu that's so reassuring and so true.

I know @trilbydoll mine is the same! I'm going to do a whole class party so she can have all her friends, I can meet some of the parents too and I don't have to worry about leaving anyone out but we are lucky to be able to have a big party (our PFB and lots of missed parties over lockdowns to make up for!)

OP posts:

lljkk · 24/03/2022 18:08

DS was a social outcast... it went on for years. You're not there, you're not describing that. heck, I was a social outcast for years. I will spare you painful descriptions.

She's just getting used to not always being included.

Original poster

Hell0G00dbye · 24/03/2022 19:43

@lljkk I’m sorry and for your son too. I wouldn’t say I was a social outcast but I always felt on the fringes of a friendship group as a child and was often left out so I think I’m partly projecting. I remember the feeling of friends going to parties without me and feeling physically sick even as a very young child .

OP posts:

Dontcallmebabylalala · 24/03/2022 20:26

Even though it’s clearly nobody’s obligation to invite your DD but usually people make an effort to be kind during the reception year and not to exclude any children UNLESS it’s a small party up to 10 children etc. I remember DS being excluded from a whole class party. Imagine my pain lol! DS never caused a single trouble, but here we go. The child’s mum didn’t like my face, I guess. I haven’t invited them back either the next time DS had a party. I don’t care if I sound pity but people make choices and I made mine! It gets so much easier when they are in KS2. I’m happy about my children having invites to small parties from time to time only from their best friends and it feels good. I was sensitive just like you when both line were in the reception.

Original poster

Hell0G00dbye · 25/03/2022 13:23

I’m sorry @Dontcallmebabylalala that is sad. I know, one of the girls I know she plays with an awful lot and they often come out of class hugging etc so I was really surprised she wasn’t invited to her party as I’d have thought she’d be one the child named. I didn’t really have an answer for DD as to why she wasn’t invited.

OP posts:

Dixiechickonhols · 25/03/2022 13:31

I think it could be late birthday. So people inviting those who have invited their child. If you have an all class do in June you’ll probably get more invites yr 1.
Does she do rainbows etc - good to focus on making friends away from school too.

Dixiechickonhols · 25/03/2022 13:33

Patties are expensive especially the pay per head type. With current costs it will be first thing to go for many - so a couple of friends for tea and cake not play centre at £15 a person.

melisma · 25/03/2022 13:35

Have you definitely checked all through her bag and asked her to check in her tray for any possible missed invites? Just a thought!

Original poster

Hell0G00dbye · 25/03/2022 13:37

@Dixiechickonhols yeah I was thinking it’s that. I’m a bit gutted though as she goes to a large school (3 form intake) and they mix the classes each year so I’m worried the same thing could happen again next year.
@melisma yeah I have, a lot of them are organised via WhatsApp (parents names found off the class group which I’m on) too.

OP posts:

Jannt86 · 25/03/2022 13:49

Did you by any chance have a tough time at school yourself? I was picked on and left out a lot at school and I also worry about my almost 4YO girl as I really don't want her going through the same. She generally gets on great with lots of kids at nursery. Occasionally she's told me though that some kids told her they didn't want to play with her. I try and stay calm, acknowledge that she's upset and explain that she's a lovely girl and lots of fun to play with so just to go find someone else to olay with if someone doesn't want to play right now. It's hard but if you get upset and make a big deal of it it will teach her to be avoidant which will ultimately just make her less able to socialise. Could it simply be that the parents don't know you too well and that if she's quiet or sociable with lots of different groups then people just sort of 'forget' to invite her? Remember reception aged kids still don't have great recall. Perhaps organising some playdates out of school might help. Please don't panic. She's very young xx

Original poster

Hell0G00dbye · 25/03/2022 13:55

@Jannt86 I did at times and I do think I’m projecting to an extent but it does genuinely appear she’s missed out/not invited to things that lots of others are. I wouldn’t say she’s quiet she’s generally very happy so not sure why she is forgotten. I do a decent amount of the school runs myself and always chat to people and attend parent socials when I can so not sure what more I can do without appearing too try hard .

OP posts:

Jannt86 · 25/03/2022 14:01

Sorry OP it's tough isn't it. Tbh I wouldn't dream of doing a party for reception kids and not inviting the whole class as I think they're too young at this age to be telling you who they really want there and changing friends a lot or circulating round different groups as pp has said. That's just me though. I never subscribed to the 'girl mafia' or 'bffs' philosophy and am trying to teach my LO that it's fine to have people she likes more than others and to choose who she plays with but be careful clinging to one particular person/group and be kind to everyone. If she's a kind and sociable child then she'll find her own people eventually don't worry x

Original poster

Hell0G00dbye · 25/03/2022 14:05

Thanks @Jannt86 I know the most important thing is that she is happy and she seems to be I just hate the thought of her being left out.

OP posts:

Bdhntbis · 25/03/2022 14:11

I’ve got the same age child and this year it’s like I feel what she feels when she’s upset (although I’m easily projecting I realise) and I’ve realised how much of this stage of parenting is about emotions and helping them navigate that which is really quite hard.
It’s a very tricky one with parties; my DDs school has two reception classes which mix and she has friends in both so I can’t have 50 children to a party and have just had to ask her to name 15 children and some of them she’s never mentioned at home before so I’m not sure how she decided on them

Iamthatmum · 25/03/2022 14:37

For my dd’s reception party I wanted to invite the whole class - thought I had but to my horror missed out just one boy!! It was a total mistake but I still feel guilt to this day!

If your Dd is happy I wouldn’t worry. It all falls into place eventually.

Just don’t exclude one random kid by mistake or their mum may be feeling like you do!

Marvellousmadness · 25/03/2022 14:46

O gosh op. You really need to get yourself in check here. Teach your dd that not everyone will invite the same kids. And sometimes it's due to limited numbers. And sometimes it's due to whatever reason really. I suffer from anxiety too so don't get me wrong. But this is something you need to keep in check. Otherwise school will become a verrrry long road...

Kids play with one another and sometimes they get invited and sometimes they don't. That doesn't mean that they aren't liked. But that could just mean that the kids are just school or playdate close, but not 'actually' close.

And maybe your dds best friend is just a super popular kid that gets ALL the invites. Teach your daughter to be happy for her BFF. Your dd's time will come and then she will be invited. This shouldn't be a big thing. Really.

Breathe. Be rational. And just tell your dd that she won't be going to all parties. But she will be invited to her best friend's party for sure. So that's something to look forward too. And her own birthday. Look at the positives. Xxx

SeenYourArse · 25/03/2022 14:49

Ah you have my sympathy I am EXACTLY the same, my eldest is now in Year 1 and I do this too 😩

DelurkingAJ · 25/03/2022 14:54

I discovered fairly early on that not being on the school gate meant that DS1 missed out. At least one mother said to a friend of mine that DS1 played with her DD every day but she didn’t know me so he wasn’t invited to the party as she couldn’t cope with that! He’s been fine and that did fall away by Y2. DS2’s class by contrast are amazing and we haven’t had that.

Original poster

Hell0G00dbye · 25/03/2022 14:56

@Marvellousmadness all of that is so true!

OP posts:

2022NameChange · 30/03/2022 15:50

I agree with @trilbydoll, LO was best friends with a girl, we will call her Sarah, she talked about her constantly, played together, Sarah this Sarah that etc. Sarah got covid and was off for 10 days. Day 1, LO was sad Sarah wasn't in, we had tears etc. By day 2 Sarah was all but forgotten and that was that. She picked her next neighbour at the table to be her new best friend, I don't think poor William ever recovered haha. Kids are so fickle at this age with friendships, it truly does come down to who they've played with that day! Your plan for the party seems a good one, I won't say don't worry because we absolutely cannot help what we worry about, but I will say feel your feelings, acknowledge them, it's really great you can see you might be projecting and then use fact to soothe them. And if there truly was a problem, the teacher absolutely will have told you. I am almost sure you will find Y1 easier, especially after her party. Do you have good relationships with any of the parents yet?

Retrievemysanity · 30/03/2022 15:58

Try not to worry at this stage. Does she go to things like Rainbows or other out of school activities where you can meet parents on the pick ups and drop offs etc? I found things like that helped as you know which kids your child has something in common with and you usually see the same parents and gravitate towards those as familiar faces at school events put names to faces etc. Then play dates and parties seem to follow.

DD has a birthday early in the term so for her reception birthday I just invited the couple of kids she went to nursery with and a couple that she mentioned on a regular basis (I’m not one for whole class parties!) and kept it low key at home.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread