Family staying in my house when I'm not there

[Spiceroots]

This happened a couple of years ago, but its been something that has really bothered me recently. Triggered by various other things that have happened

I was away (visiting my parents) with DC and Dh joined us for the last week of the holiday. BIL (DH brother) and SIL were visiting in-laws (staying with them) until DH left to join us. After this BIL and SIL moved into out house for the rest of the week as it was 'nicer' to stay at our house then with in-laws. They spent the week, even hosted a party!

I wasn't asked. Its massively upsetting me now as BIL has form for disrespecting my boundaries and this is a classic example.
DH thinks its absolutely ok for his brother to stay at ours while we were away, whereas it has upset me.

We can't seem to agree to disagree when it comes to this and it is causing massive tension between DH and myself. I know it was a while ago but it seems to have set the tone for our relationship.

Theres lots of other issues in the same vein but this particular issue has become a huge bone of contention

Did they ask your husband at the time who said yes?

Yes I agree it does depend if your H said yes or not. I sympathise about not wanting people to stay in your house while you're away but it's not clear if it's BIL who was being an arse or your H (however having a party in someone else's house is taking the piss).

Presuming your DH gave his brother a spare key? I'd be raging at him not respecting your boundaries. The B-in-law only took advantage once it was offered.

And if it was spontaneous decision, you didn't even have a chance to hide away sensitive/private stuff. You had gone away to visit your family, assuming your home would be safe and intact in your absence. No no no, this is not on at all. Your husband made a big mistake. It's not just his home is it. Allowing house guests should be both of your decision, and if one of you disagrees, it doesn't happen.

I'm so sorry that happened. How can you trust you DH at all now?

You were away, the other house owner was fine with it... can't really see the issue to be honest, unless they have prior for stealing or breaking stuff.

I assume they asked your DH and he said yes? If so, your issue isn't with them but with him.

I'd have no probelm letting my sister or BIL staying at my house when I was away - but would still expect to be told ahead of time so would be upset in your position.

As others have said it depends if your husband said it was ok who your anger should be aimed at!

How can you trust you DH at all now?

Nought to a hundred in three posts. Impressive.

They threw party in your house while you weren't there? I would be raging fire at this!! How dare they? How dare your dp allow this without your consent?

If your DH said it was okay they had no way to know it wasn't. Though I agree hosting a party is cheeky - did DH give them permission for this?

Your marital home is shared by you and DH.

What "boundaries" could his brother have broken while you weren't even there?

Considering that this was years ago: ask yourself if you really want this "cold case" to cause trouble in your marriage

However, going forward just mention it to your dh that you dont want it unless it has been asked. I assume you both on the house. So you both have a say. It is quite rediculous that your bil just stayed in your home without asking. Hell, if my own brother did that I would tell him to f off.

If your dh continues to let this happen even after you tell him you don't want it you need to take action. Speak up. Rise up. And get them out of your house asap.

It is a huge invasion on privacy. Even when you are not there.
But it sounds like you might just have a dh problem I guess :(.

You have far greater problems in your marriage than just this one instance of your BIL staying in your house. Deal with the real issues or you can kiss your marriage goodbye.

Did your husband know that you wouldn't want them to stay there? Was he with them when they moved in? Does your husband have a problem disrespecting your boundaries usually? Is he a people-pleaser to everyone but you?

My cf sil suggested this as my nephew wanted to play in out garden whilst we weren't there. She suggested that if we gave them a key it would be like a mini holiday for him. I responded with the fact that they have a park across the road and if he should want to visit is always welcome when we are home but my house isn't a hotel. They don't actually come over much anyway so why would I do that?

So in my view yanbu but you should have reasoned with your dh at the time and spoken to your bil about it. I'd have made it clear at that point it wasn't acceptable and that it wasn't happening again under any circumstance. It's a huge invasion of privacy and so disrespectful.

Unless the house was trashed I really can't see the problem tbh.

@WalkingOnTheCracks

How can you trust you DH at all now?

Nought to a hundred in three posts. Impressive.

I am amazed that no one has yet said:

"This is a red line for me"
"Throw him out"
"You need to get a lawyer"

I do wonder if half of mums net live alone.

"I wasn't asked. Its massively upsetting me now as BIL has form for disrespecting my boundaries and this is a classic example."

I would not like someone who disrespected me having free run in my house whilst I was absent. I'm not that comfortable someone I like having free run!

"We can't seem to agree to disagree when it comes to this and it is causing massive tension between DH and myself."

This is the most important point you make. He agreed to something that upset you. And because he agreed to it, he thinks that you are not allowed to be upset. He is unable to acknowledge your upset and his part in that. Basically - you are only an extension of him and are not allowed separate opinions and feelings.

Yep, that would cause massive tension.

You post that there are "lots of other issues in the same vein". Not sure what you mean by this. Is it

• he thinks you have no right to disagree with him
• he prioritises what his brother etc. want over what you want
• something else?

Thank you for all your replies.

BIL is almost 16 years older then DH, it makes me believe that DH won't want to say 'no' to his brother because of this large age gap. And he doesn't genuinely see why having guest in when I'm not there makes me feel uncomfortable.

It’s not your decision though. I wouldn’t expect my husband to consult me before saying yes to this, and he wouldn’t expect me to consult him. Granted, the party was a bit cheeky, but as long as they cleared up afterwards, it’s not really a huge issue.

I'm pretty laid back about this stuff but I would expect DH to ask me if he wanted a relative to stay at our house while we were gone, but then I also know he totally would. I'd say yes, but would feel a bit taken aback if I found out after the event. I'd definitely tell him if the boot was on the other foot and it were one of my family members staying.

If your DH said yes they could stay, then your issue is with him not your BIL.

Did they trash it? Leave it clean and tidy? Say thank you? Or was it all done in secret?