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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mother's Day pain

18 replies

beachcitygirl · 24/03/2022 10:13

I'm a bereaved mum.
I'm struggling.
All the shops with the Mother's Day posters, all the emails, all the nice things.
Basically I know I am BU but I'm struggling.
How do I stay happy for others. 😓 and not feel sad & bitter.
My baby died when he was just 6 weeks old. I do have other kids but on this day and at this time I think of my loss, not my joys. I'm trying but honestly feel like going abd living in a cave.

No one in my whole family or friend circle seems to have realised it may be hard. My own mum is quite narcissistic to say the least & makes it all about her.

Thanks in advance - 😓

OP posts:
SaggyBlinders · 24/03/2022 10:24

How do I stay happy for others. 😓 and not feel sad & bitter.

You can feel happy for others, and still feel sad and bitter. Or just sad and bitter. There is no shame in feeling human emotions.

In my experience trying to focus too much on the "positive side" to distract yourself is toxic. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions, including the negative ones, and don't feel guilty about it. Sorry for your loss Flowers

Xpologog · 24/03/2022 10:34

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’ve experienced loss, but not the loss of a child. I found support from others in the same situation really helpful. Have you spoken to anyone about how you’re feeling?
I found www.careforthefamily.org.uk/support-for-you/family-life/bereavement-support/bereaved-parent-support/
slowgroup.co.uk/support-groups/
www.sands.org.uk/usefullinks
www.bliss.org.uk/parents/coping-with-loss/bereavement

I can’t say anything that will take away your pain but talking might help.

beachcitygirl · 24/03/2022 10:43

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
Sirzy · 24/03/2022 10:49

I have no personal experience so can’t offer any proper advice but around other people old enough to understand I wouldn’t put on any sort of act, it’s understandable you will find things tough, don’t bottle things up to keep others happy.

Do what you need to do.

EllaVaNight · 24/03/2022 10:50

I completely understand. I had 5 miscarriages and a baby who lived just a few short hours. I have 2 living children. I put all my energy into focussing on my blessings but this didn't allow me to feel the feelings I needed. Though excruciatingly painful, I needed to work through them.

Allow yourself to feel all the emotions you are feeling. Don't try and rush through them. For me I always tell people I have 3 children and I like to include them/mention them in my daily life. It's like a need to acknowledge they exist and are part of my family.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 24/03/2022 10:52

I'm sorry for your loss. Have you been offered any counselling to help you through it?

Blossomtoes · 24/03/2022 10:54

So very sorry. It’s incredibly tough this week because there’s no getting away from it. I saw a little china dish that said “Happiness is a cup of tea and a chat with your mum” in a shop window. It made me cry. You don’t need to stay happy, you’re entitled to be sad. 💐

BettyBotte · 24/03/2022 10:58

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine anything worse than losing a child, it goes against the natural order of things. My younger brother recently took his own life and our mother is crippled with grief and guilt that she could have/should have done something to prevent it. Mother's day from now on is going to be so painful, and I can't find a card that won't make it worse. They all say "enjoy your special day" or words to that effect. So very sad.

Helenahandkart · 24/03/2022 10:59

I’m involuntarily childless, and my own mother is an awful person, so I find Mother’s Day really hard work. It seems to have spiralled into being this huge expensive event, and every advert and email is sickly and sentimental and designed to make me feel sad/angry.
I send my mum a card and that’s it. Maybe a phone call if she’s not being too intolerable. And try to unsubscribe from all the Mother’s Day marketing.
I don’t have any suggestions to help but I’m sorry for your loss, and I get how you feel.

Whiteminnowfish · 24/03/2022 11:04

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending big hugs to you xxx

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 24/03/2022 11:06

I'm so sorry op.

Being a bereaved parent is the hardest thing in the world.

People expect you to be grateful if you have other children, they play down our losses and want us to 'get over it' because it makes them feel uncomfortable if we grieve.

There is no getting over it, the raw grief becomes less intense as we learn to live with it, but its always there. We are never 100% happy, every good thing is tinged with sadness that someone is missing.

I don't know how old your dc are, but from a relatively young age I spoke openly to my dc about their siblings, I would let them know I'm so happy to have them and I love them dearly, but I'm also a little sad because your siblings aren't here too.

My sons are adults now (I also have younger dc) and they write their siblings names in my mother's day card with wings beside them. And every 'occassion' we have, we also have angel cake too, that's our little tribute to remember them alongside all the celebrations of whatever.

Over time you may come up with little traditions to remember your child too.

Please do remember that you're on a path that lasts a lifetime, you don't have to hurry up and feel better, or hide your grief for the comfort of others, do what you need to do until you find your own way to move past the initial fog of grief and learn to manoeuvre your way in your new normal.

Flowers for you op.

MummyBobbles · 24/03/2022 11:27

I felt the same for many years after I miscarried a naturally conceived baby after years of infertility. I have another child but Mothers Day was always the worst day of the year for me. It was the loss of a life we could have had. I'm better than I was but still don't like it. Sending you lots of love.

beachcitygirl · 24/03/2022 11:27

Thanks so so much.
I hope I didn't give the wrong impression, it's not a recent loss.

Just seems really difficult this year, I'm sure Mother's Day didn't used to be so big & marketed so heavily or maybe it's just due to being online & seeing it everywhere, whereas I used to just avoid card shops!

My son would be 30 years old this year & im blessed with two other young adult kids & I had a lot of counselling some 20 years ago when I had tried & failed thankfully to take my own life.

I am normally happy & content & thrilled with my fab kids, but my mum is difficult (increasingly so) and it just feels like Mother's Day is everywhere this year. Added to that the stress of Covid (same for everyone) and this big showy Mother's Day & I just feel like the Mother's Day Scrooge.

I find even mentioning him is taboo. People just don't want to hear it (understandably)

Anyway I suppose this is just a private whinge of pain.
Thank you for allowing me this safe space to do so. X

OP posts:
chilling19 · 24/03/2022 12:34

❤️

CalmH2O · 24/03/2022 13:17

So sorry for your loss. ♥️ That sounds so difficult and no matter the length of time it’s still a huge and traumatic loss. ♥️

Nowhere near the same thing, but I had miscarriage last year and I am also dreading Mother’s Day. As much as I want to be happy (for my own mother, rather than for any children) I do find it so painful to be reminded and see everyone else with their children.

I don’t know how to advise specifically, I am aiming to just get through the day. Going to “celebrate” in the morning and then just move on to other things to keep busy (most likely will sit and watch tv and binge eat)

I can’t imagine how tough it is ♥️ Sending love and thoughts Flowers

Rrrob · 24/03/2022 13:31

Same here. My daughter was 1 when she died, just over 3 years ago. I now have other children and no one seems to even consider that the day might be hard for me. How are you planning to spend sunday? For me it will be a normal day, although I hope for a lie-in!

Nnique · 24/03/2022 13:43

Flowers It is a terrible, traumatic thing to lose a child and of course the pain will never go. I’m so sorry for your loss of your lovely boy.

This may be a very stupid suggestion...but could you possibly claim it back, the Mother’s Day thing, I mean, for yourself in your own private way just for you and your son? I think a Mother’s Day card that you have picked (as your son’s mother because that will never change no matter how many years ago it happened) and could you write to him in it every year to mark the day? Forgive me if that’s a silly idea.

I’m sorry for the pain. I’d love to hear more about your boy if you want to talk about him.

RJnomore1 · 24/03/2022 13:48

I’m so sorry for your loss.

You don’t need to be happy for other people. You’re allowed to feel the way you do. Give yourself permission to be sad if that’s what you need 💐

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