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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Depressed husband won't talk to me

6 replies

DifficultDifficultLemonDifficu · 24/03/2022 08:55

Husband has depression that he currently isn't being treated for, he's got an appointment with his GP in a couple weeks, that was the earliest we could get him in.

When I ask him how his day was he just says it was good, but he mopes about and just gives me one word answers. He's just freezing me out. Any advice?

OP posts:
Holothane · 24/03/2022 09:00

Difficult too much asking he’ll either snap at you or withdraw even more. If h is like this I leave him to get one it it, he’ll talk when he’s ready. How long has he been depressed? Try not to take it personally (easier said than done believe me) handhold and hugs. Oh and get support for yourself you’ll need it even if you just mention it to the Gp

HereComesTheSum · 24/03/2022 09:50

Can anyone that he would talk to pop by?? This worked for my DH I got his mate to pop over on the basis of needing to borrow a tool. He then chatted to him and opened up to him in the garage for over an hour in the end. Did him the world of good.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 24/03/2022 09:58

Sending sympathy. My DH had a bit of a breakdown last year which was awful but necessary as it led to him taking medication and seeing a counsellor.

Our problem is that his depression is cyclical and so he gets overwhelmed at work, has a wobble, shuts down and locks himself in for a week or so, then pulls himself out and gets back on with it for a few months.
The medication helps but I really don't know how he can break the cycle of his bad habits/behaviours which lead to being overwhelmed in the first place.

I offer plenty of support, keep telling him I love him and that we'll get through it, keep talking but phrase it tactfully ('if this will help I'm happy to probe how you're feeling about these things' etc) and keep the eye rolls to a minimum. It's so hard. I'm lucky to have two friends and a sister with depressed DHs so I can vent to an accepting, non judgemental audience.

It's very hard being in a relationship with a depressed person. I hope he feels well soon, and that you have support around you OP.

LizDoingTheCanCan · 24/03/2022 10:01

He's not freezing you out, this is not about you. Depression is exhausting, making small talk is exhausting. He's doing the right thing in seeing the GP, if he starts to feel worse or you are concerned about his safety, then he/ you should call the GP and ask for an urgent appointment.

3cats2kids1dog · 24/03/2022 10:44

Our problem is that his depression is cyclical and so he gets overwhelmed at work, has a wobble, shuts down and locks himself in for a week or so, then pulls himself out and gets back on with it for a few months.
The medication helps but I really don't know how he can break the cycle of his bad habits/behaviours which lead to being overwhelmed in the first place.

He's not freezing you out, this is not about you. Depression is exhausting, making small talk is exhausting.

these are both very accurate and reflect me when i get stuck in a depressive episode... generally DP lets me know she's there to talk to when i'm ready, and often cajoles me into a family dog walk somewhere quiet and thats when i feel like i have space/time to talk... sometime removing yourself from the house/work (comfort zones), and away from screens and other stimuli free the head up to talk...

if your gp can offer it, or you can afford private, cbt is really useful for helping you understand and recognise the signs of early anxiety/stress/depression and hopefully provide some coping mechanisms to pull you off the slippery slope...

good luck!

incognitoforthisone · 24/03/2022 11:07

OP, it's not quite clear to me from your post whether your issue is that you're fed up with having a husband who 'mopes about' and doesn't want to chat (which I do understand is a difficult thing to live with) or whether you're worried that it's not healthy for him to bottle things up.

I suffer from bouts of clinical depression and when I'm going through it, I don't like talking about it in detail to anyone except doctors and therapists who need to know the detail in order to treat me.

I know that's not the case for everyone, but one of the key things about depression (or any chronic illness) for me personally is that it's actually extremely boring. Being asked how you're feeling and having to say 'absolutely terrible' day after day to someone you love can feel really oppressive and it also makes me feel guilty because it's miserable for them as well, so I say 'yeah, not bad' or 'OK' because I just want to shut the conversation down really.

Not everyone is like this. Some people find it really helpful to talk about it honestly and openly and at length with family and friends about exactly how they're feeling when they're depressed. (And I think there are actually some people with depression can actually become quite obsessed with talking about it in a way that's probably as unhealthy as not talking about it at all.)

I'm afraid 'just moping about' as you put it is very much par for the course for someone who is deeply depressed. If he's been at work all day, he's probably exhausted from trying to appear chatty and fine with his colleagues. He probably doesn't have the energy or the headspace to keep up that pretence at home. It's not about you, honestly. I know it's hard to be around someone who is depressed and doesn't want to talk and it can seem hurtful - but it's not personal and he probably just doesn't have the capacity to engage right now.

The important thing is that he knows he can talk to you if he wants to, and that you won't try to 'fix' him if he does (eg if he says he's feeling really shit, don't say 'oh, but you've got so many things to be grateful for' or 'but aren't you looking forward to [whatever nice thing is happening]' or 'why are you worrying about something so trivial').

There's some good advice on the Mind website that might be useful: www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/for-friends-and-family/

I'm really sorry your husband and you are going through this - it sucks that he's got to wait so long for his GP appointment, but it's a good sign that he's acknowledged he needs to see a doctor and that the appointment's been made. I hope he gets whatever help he needs, and I hope things get easier for you as well.

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