Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

about not wanting to see my MIL ever again?

21 replies

Raccoone · 23/03/2022 22:10

Long story short, she sent me a message adressed to someone else, in which she describes how horrible I am as a mother.

Turns out she says that I am always tired, not energetic, that I am neglecting my kid by not helping him do stuff, and that I am not suitable. The truth is that I am in the third trimester of my second pregnancy. I have gestational diabetes plus hypothyroidism, and a 15 month old that is the highest needs baby of all the high needs baby. I haven't slept more than 3/4 hours straight for the past 15 months. I have no family around to help because I live abroad. In regards to not helping my kid, she means that I let him learn the things by himself (for instance, eating by himself actual pieces of food) rather than doing purees and spoonfeeding him. Also that I don't force him to walk (I am just letting him get confident). I am 24/7 with him and I do it the best I can.

I find these comments truly disgusting, but I know that ok, everyone talks bad of others sometimes. The worse is that when confronted, she didn't even apologise - instead, she said she was happy I could finally understand all this.

She is a narcissistic woman (not that I say it, doctors said it) that has just made everyone unhappy in her life. She is one of those that needs to create conflict: if she's ok with one of her sisters is only cause she has fought with the other and wants this one by her side. They alternate the good and bad sister role quite often, but they are never both "good" for her at once. She needs to speak bad about one to the other.
She does the same with the sons, at work, with the family. She talks bad, acts bad and abusively, and then plays the victim. She has truly neglected her sons - DH has been literally raised by his granma and aunt. Once he was taken to the hospital by a friend due to a rather serious accident and the friend called MIL, who appeared a day later because she had to spend the night with her boyfriend.

She is truly not ok, and I know it since I met her for the first time. However, I always thought it was DHs thing and I should just support his choice of however staying in touch with her. Until today. Today I feel I don't wanna talk to her anymore, and I don't want that my sons do it. AIBU about this? She is toxic and can't do any good, but I Know I don't have the right to "forbid" that my sons meet her. On the other hand, I feel like it is enough and DH should cut her out of his life, but he never takes such step. Has anyone dealt with something similar?

OP posts:

Mandofan · 23/03/2022 22:16

She definitely sent you that message on purpose. Ignore and move on with your life. She isn’t worth the time or energy

Kitkat151 · 23/03/2022 22:27

You don’t have to see her....just leave your DH to it

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/03/2022 22:34

She was a neglectful mother, she was never going to be a decent grandmother. She sounds horrendous, you’re right to cut contact with her.

Your problem is your husband. Is he stuck in a cycle of trying to impress her or at least keep her close as he was so rejected as a child? Why’s he willing to put up with his wife and the mother of his children being spoken to like this? That’s what you need to tackle.

Buttercupmoon · 23/03/2022 22:34

She sounds like a piece of work. I would 'accidently' send her a message too about what a shitbag she is and see how she likes that. It sounds like you are a great mother. Just ignore her and have as little to do with her as you can.

Lou98 · 23/03/2022 22:36

YANBU about not wanting to have contact with her again.
Easier said than done but try not to take it personally, as you've said, she does it to everyone. It's a sad attempt to make herself happy and doesn't say anything about you as a mother.

However, you can't force your Husband to drop all contact with his Mum if he doesn't want to.
What has he said about the text?

Ladybyrd · 23/03/2022 22:43

Usually in these situations, I would just phase her out silently, but I think for her, I could make an exception.

GrowBabyGrow · 23/03/2022 22:58

As someone who is still processing the sh** ton of childhood trauma caused by my narcissistic grandparents I really would recommend that you cut her out of your life and your children's lives. My brother and I wish our parents had taken the decision to go NC with our toxic grandparents as the damage caused by their narcissistic behaviours has impacted us right into adulthood and is only be healed by a lot of therapy! They only stayed in contact because they also felt they couldn't deny their children from having a relationship with their grandparents but the fundamental truth is that sharing some DNA doesn't mean a person should be in a child's life. Your DH can choose to retain a relationship with her but there is no reason for that toxicity to be in your life or your DCs.

Moodycow78 · 23/03/2022 23:01

Stop seeing her but you can't stop your DH, he'll make that decision himself eventually. Don't let him guilt you into going to see her, say no and mean it xxx

Holskey · 23/03/2022 23:40

Yeah, accidentally send her a message saying you won't be seeing her anymore on account of her toxicity.

Redshoeblueshoe · 24/03/2022 00:18

I totally agree that she sent the message on purpose. Block her number then leave her for your DH to deal with

fourandnomore · 24/03/2022 00:26

She sounds awful and her attitude is terrible. I would never see her again and I wouldn’t let my children have someone like that in their lives. Your dh can make his own decision about whether he sees her.

Original poster

Raccoone · 24/03/2022 05:29

Yes, I think that's why he is not ready to move on. I don't care about her, just don't want her to see the kids... not even once a year.

OP posts:

Original poster

Raccoone · 24/03/2022 05:34

I'm sorry to read this. This is exactly my concern, the kids. As babies I can limit their exposure to a couple of times per year, sure, but she will obviously make them exaggerated presents and be incredibly charming. This is how she acts. They will be kids and will want for sure to include her in their lives and I will have to either let her or look like the bad to their eyes. That's why I want her out of her lives now, too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Raccoone · 24/03/2022 05:40

@GrowBabyGrow

Im sorry to read this. This is exactly my concern, the kids. As babies I can limit their exposure to a couple of times per year, sure, but she will obviously make them exaggerated presents and be incredibly charming. This is how she acts. They will be kids and will want for sure to include her in their lives and I will have to either let her or look like the bad to their eyes. That's why I want her out of her lives now, too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Raccoone · 24/03/2022 05:41

@AnneLovesGilbert

She was a neglectful mother, she was never going to be a decent grandmother. She sounds horrendous, you’re right to cut contact with her.

Yes, I think that's why he is not ready to move on. I don't care about her, just don't want her to see the kids... not even once a year.

OP posts:

iampotato · 24/03/2022 12:19

Hey OP your MIL sounds really toxic and selfish. I hope your DH can see that before her toxicity affects your DC.

I was recommended this podcast of Dr. Sherrie Campbell talking about managing toxic parents.
www.duffthepsych.com/episode152/

Listening to it really helped me come to terms with what a selfish and entitled person my mother is and helped me go super low contact (incidentally I stopped being depressed/stressing when l stopped talking to her )

One of the key takeaway points of the podcast for me was that 'toxic parents make toxic grandparents'.

When I realised how her toxicity had affected me into adulthood I vowed I won't let her poison my child's self esteem and self worth like she did me.

I know a lot of people argue that DC will lose out on a relationship with their grandparent but for me, my DC not having a relationship with their toxic grandparent can only be a win-win situation.

GrowBabyGrow · 24/03/2022 16:31

@Raccoone

Completely second what @iampotato has said above.

In terms of your worries not looking bad in your DCs eyes, I completely understand. But when my parents tell me the reality of how they were treated by our GPs when we were children and the toll it took on them, it makes me so sad they did it because they felt this pressure to not exclude a GP from a child's life.

For us, the problems came when we weren't just cute kids any more that could be controlled and won round by charm and presents and surprises. So basically when we got older and would question their behaviours or not agree with them on everything and think they were the greatest people in the world. There was the classic rounds of golden child and scapegoat playing me and DB off each other, making us compete for their love. Really toxic and it would have been better if we never knew them. I hope this experience is helpful and gives a perspective of a grandchild who has been through this - I just wish my mum had been told how it could play out.

SevenWaystoLeave · 24/03/2022 16:47

Is she aware she sent message to you? Has she acknowledged/apologised/tried to explain at all?

Hopefullyoneday12 · 24/03/2022 16:50

Yeah I wouldn't speak to her ever again. And I would make that very clear to DH right now when the anger and the maddness of her letter is still very fresh. So he is clear why you are NC.

Shrekles20 · 24/03/2022 17:21

I think if your DH wants to keep seeing her and let the kids see her I’d probably go along with that as long as it’s convenient for you, i.e., he’s taking them out to visit and giving you a break rather than depriving you of time with them.

I wouldn’t have her in the house or see her again until she apologises which won’t happen….and the minute she puts a foot wrong with the kids i would cut contact completely.

Original poster

Raccoone · 24/03/2022 17:23

Yeah, I have been thinking and think you are right. Regarding the presents, thats what I fear @growbabygrow. Babies are babies and their exposure to her can be controlled, but older kids are easy to manipulate with presents and if they start meeting her as babies, even if just once per year, she will be at some point fully back in our lives.

I was thinking on cutting her from our lives since earlier this week, when she told my baby with joyful voice "oh, a baby models agency took you even if you have Dumbo ears". I wanted to slap her and still don't know why didn't I. And then the mesage. And all the things before.

Good to know all of your opinions and see that I am not overreacting

OP posts:

Flip