Dislike my daughter’s boyfriend

[Fred30]

Hi
My really dislike my daughter’s boyfriend!!!!
She’s 19 & been with him about a year but I really dislike him main reasons his crashed a car with her in it while uninsured & no driving license & run away leaving her there to take the rap from the 2 men he crashed into, she’s always begging for his time, upset by things he does or says & it’s constantly causing arguments between me, her & especially her dad & now it’s causing really bad problems at home constant arguments, she’s always upset as it’s got to the point where I won’t allow him anywhere near my house!!!!
Like I said she’s 19 & works but does nothing at home & pays very little in rent, I have suggested if she’s so unhappy to move out so my main question is am I being unreasonable? as I’m at my wits end with it all please help

God, he sounds like every parents worst nightmare. I hope she sees sense soon.

The more you openly dislike him, the closer you'll push her towards him as you'll feed into the whole idea of "it's us against the world, babe". As difficult as it is, stay as neutral as you can. Don't have arguments about him, don't bad mouth him, don't refuse to discuss him. Instead keep the lines of communication open, build up her confidence so that she knows she's better than this, and let her know that you're there and will always be there.

God he sounds like an absolute dickhead and a waste of air 😣

It’s likely they won’t last though so just grit your teeth and ride it out, she’ll get there

Op by getting angry and frustrated with your dd, you're pushing her away from you and towards that piece of shit. I've been there. Try talking to her and listening to her without judgement. You need to assure her that you're on her side. It is a hard thing to do, I know. But thats the only way you'll get her to actually listen and understand your concerns.

He sounds awful!!

But you're playing this all wrong!! You're pushing them together and get away from your home!

You're making it hard for her to dump him because that would make her 'parents' right.

I keep saying exactly this but hubby is having none of it (old school & just wants to punch his head in!!!! which won’t solve anything)

Agree with PP. She may have confidence or self esteem issues which is preventing her from leaving or she is in abusive relationship and can't. You need to play the long game and concentrate on building her yo instead of knocking him down

I keep saying exactly this but hubby is having none of it (old school & just wants to punch his head in!!!! which won’t solve anything)

Well he needs to suck it up and sit on his fists because he'll only make it worse. And for the love of God, stop telling her she can leave if she doesn't like how you speak about her boyfriend because where do you think she'll go live? Then next thing you know they'll be living together, she'll be pregnant, and you'll all be tied to him forever via their child/your grandchild.

Like a PP said, keep quiet and ride it out until she dumps him.

He crashed a car with her in it, and then ran away from the scene leaving her there??? That is absolutely shameful. I hope your daughter comes to realise she deserves better, i.e. at least someone who cares for her basic health and safety.

In addition, I do agree with @Hospedia - the best you can do is create a supportive, calm environment for her at home, listen to her open- mindedly when she does share, and that will help her actually process what's happening.
If she hears you and/or her dad criticising him (and I can totally see why you'd be critical!), she will instantly be programmed to go into argument mode, because how hard is it as a teenager to hear criticism and calmly, rationally process it and act on it? Almost impossible! Most adults can't even do that.

If you let her feel comfortable telling you and her dad anything, without getting criticism and negative responses, she'll open up and you can have some more in depth conversations about how she's being treated. The last thing you want is to know she's in a bad relationship, and to let that damage her relationship with you.

It might be obvious to you in your head and heart that you love and accept her unconditionally, but in the mind of a young adult in a difficult relationship, she really might not feel and believe that unless you make it repeatedly clear. Criticism of her boyfriend and relationship is also criticism of her choices, and even though you mean really well and just want the best for her, it might just be making her more isolated.

Anyway, best of luck to all of you!

Don't make her move out! Then she'll just try and shack up with him and not come to you if he's abusive!

Just listen. Try not to talk about him as she won't take it on. Make sure she feels she can talk to you about anything.

What are you doing to build up her self esteem so she can make her own choices from a healthy place rather than settle for less-than with this chap?

@MuggleMadness

He sounds awful!!

But you're playing this all wrong!! You're pushing them together and get away from your home!

You're making it hard for her to dump him because that would make her 'parents' right.

Absolutely.

Please don’t encourage your daughter to move out —- because she’ll only live with bf and you could lose contact with her.
He sounds awful, I’d want to punch his lights out too, but the more you try to split them the more she’ll run to him.

You’re completely playing this wrong
You’re pushing them together
You need to ask yourself why she feels the need to have this bf. He clearly isn’t nice or loving. Is this the best she thinks she can do? Or does she not realise he’s horrible?
Either way being lovely and happy so that when she goes to him and is sad she notices the difference, having her know she can come back to you for advice and support, and having her see a loving and healthy relationship at home is the best you can do.
Gentle conversations.
Not accusing her not getting angry not trying to control the life of another adult. This won’t help. Would you have listened at 19?

My eldest DD was with a complete loser. He "didn't do parents" so we never met him, despite them being together for a few years. He treated her awfully from what I managed to find out from her and my other DD. They broke up a few times but she always went back to him because she was 'bored'. I had to bite my tongue numerous times when I really wanted to tell her to dump him and stop wasting her life. I knew if I moaned it would only push them together more.

I'm glad I played the long game because she eventually took off the rose tinted glasses and saw him for what he was and dumped his sorry arse.