AIBU to ask how to stop feeling worthless?

[VeryBusinessProblems]

Tl;dr I don't know how to feel like I have anythting to offer an employer or any skill to run a business with. Sorry it's an essay.

I worked in sales/outbound market research at school and uni. I hated it but I was estranged from my parents during 6th form, and had to pay to live; these jobs fitted around classes.

I then worked for a PPI-type (not PPI) company during uni and it broke my brain when I realised it was a ripoff. After uni I was scared to apply for jobs because I didn't know what skills I had or what I wanted to do so I felt like applying for anything well-paid like a grad scheme would be preposterous. I tried applying for HSBC grad scheme which said it was open to anyone then the first set of tests were complicated financial and maths questions and I couldn't do them.

I'm now 35 and adrift (technically I'm on maternity from editing science papers). I've had more jobs than Miss Rabbit and I was competent but nothing was ever really fulfilling, and ultimately I always feel like I'm a replaceable cog in jobs where anyone else could do it, or I feel worthless when I try to do anything bigger. I've been a teacher with PGCE. I was an ice skater for a while. I've had a lot of jobs in food which I really hate. I worked in retail for a bit. I always just stop turning up to work when I start to feel like the job is a pointless waste of time then I'm ashamed that I fucked it up again so I can't deal with the consequences because I get too anxious.

I wrote romance for 5 years (alongside interning in academic publishing for 12 months during my MSc), did ok at writing financially, then my confidence was shattered by a manipulative arsehole misogynist publisher and his flying monkeys, and I feel again like my work is worthless and not good enough/adding enough value to people's lives to self-pub and market successfully, or to find another publisher. I don't have the attention span to learn how to write in a new genre (ADHD's properly diagnosed, can't take any meds as I've been constantly pregnant or breastfeeding since 2018, didn't get diagnosed until 2020 so don't know any different to this scramble in my brain).

I make my own soap and I'm a decent knitter. I've written about 30 books. My editing work has been published in Nature. I have ideas for academic research in my field but am too scared to do them and submit to journals. I've done YouTube tutorials with six-figure views. And yet I don't dare apply for any jobs in case I just stop turning up again or get in trouble for being chronically late (I've almost never been late for work but I'm extremely anxious about it anyway).

No matter what I do or how many times a client says my work is good I can't get over the feeling that I'm a pathetic leech feeding off other people's hard-earned income and providing nothing of value. That my products are rubbish and no better than the mass-made junk from China. That my books are badly-written trashy shit. That my services are questionable quality. That nothing is ever good enough and who am I to try? I'm not even sure if I'll be brave enough to hit post on this but getting it down might help make sense of it all.

This has meant I know all the stuff but I just can't market my own business or apply for jobs effectively, I hold back for fear of anyone actually seeing that I've done a thing, then no one buys my stuff or hires me and it's a self-fulfilling prophecy that I fail again.

Why can't I look at anything I do as worth doing? I just keep thinking variations of, "Well if I can do it, anyone can, so why am I trying to sell it?" How do I get out of this cycle? I can't even sell second hand stuff because it feels like it becomes worthless through the process of me having it. People always comment on how confident I seem but I'm a car wreck. Help!

Sounds to me like you are an over achiever. It’s actually all too easy for you - soap making, knitting, throw in a degree plus MSc (not easy).

You don't sound like a car wreck..it sounds like you have done a lot. You've written 30 books? How can you be/feel worthless? You seem to have lots of skills. Be kind to yourself. xx

Argh didn't mean to enable voting.

@Seenoevil1 yeah but these are 30-ish really awful Mills and Boon type books that I wouldn't dream of putting my real name to. I can see the shape of a romance story but I can't colour it in properly. There are some amazing romance writers out there but even published romance is forgiving of ineptitude. I'm currently not even making half of minimum wage from books.

I think I don't know how to see the value in anything I do. I'm forever running away from jobs out of embarrassment. I have to put the LOs to bed but if I don't get back tonight I'll read comments tomorrow and respond because I desperately need perspective and advice.

I started reading your post and thought ooh do you have adhd. Then I read that you do. I also have it. It’s likely the way you are feeling is in part due to the adhd. If you have the funds a good start might be a adhd coach and medication. You clearly have a lot to give.

Therapy. You need professional therapy. I understand because I'm much the same. It helps!

One possible reason to sell custom made items, yes others may sell etc, but with people's time, being limited etc, some times it's easier for people to £ rather than make themselves.

Less might be more in your case as I don’t think the things you are doing give you satisfaction or credibility in your own eyes. I would rather do something high quality than 30 mills and boon type things. So, if you don’t think you can do high quality maybe thats where you can focus . Do you still have interest in your masters subject?

Um. You sound amazing.
I'd be so proud of myself if I'd written anything published (I never finish anything ir have the courage to show anyone) or could make soap (I have dozens of craft kits I can't start as I'm just going to fuck them up) or knit well (I can just about string together a blanket, can't follow a pattern to save my life!).
I'm 32. I've had a number of pretty shit jobs, earn less than £30k in London (& it's far and away the most I've ever earned) & am flunking my accountancy training. I'm going on maternity leave soon & have no idea what to do about my failure to launch either!

I'm not working at all at the moment. You sound like you have a lot of skills and as other posters say: maybe need to talk it through with a counselor to look at your feelings about future work?

You can't do anything worthwhile if you keep flitting about. You should pick one thing and stick with it no matter what until is is finished. For example, write a good quality book. Given your history, we can assume that during the project you will be overwhelmed by feelings of worthlessness. If it's writing, those feelings will be strongest in the final stages of the project. Such feelings are very common, especially among sensitive, artistic types. You have to expect those feelings, work through them and finish anyway.

Mind you, finishing 30 books is hardly flitting about. That's very impressive in terms of persistence.

Sometimes worthlessness is fear in disguise. It presents as the reason for not doing the scary thing.

If trashy romance sells what does it matter if it's not a "literary masterpiece"?

OP I think you will find a lot of this is tied into your ADHD diagnosis and childhood. Working you need to find something that excites you and keeps your attention. The rest you need to talk to a professional and get on medication as soon as you are able to. You have many strengths, you just can't see it.

You sound like an interesting and productive person. I have struggled with self confidence after abusive relationships (that affected my career as well) and found therapy really made a difference. I learned to stop repeating negative messages to myself ("I'm useless" "I'm hopeless")- our brains are malleable and if we keep repeating such things to ourselves, it really doesn't help how we feel. It sounds like there's a lot that needs unpicking with your feelings about your career and possibly about this person who you feel drove you out of writing.
Even if you would never attach your name to the books you've written, you surely can recognise it takes skill even to write a Mills and Boon type romance, and also that writing such books for a living could lead on to contacts/possibilities for more serious writing. Regarding ideas for academic writing, sounds like you've needed time to reflect on things and now you're ready to go. What have you got to lose? Equally- there is no hurry. Do things at the pace you want. You've achieved a hell of a lot and are young and also a mother to a young child/children.
If the mental health thing resonates with you, I highly recommend DBT. It's completely transformed my mental health/well being and that's enabled me to pursue career goals that were thwarted by low self esteem/depression/abusive relationships for years.

Thank you so much for the kind and thoughtful responses, you've all given me a lot to think about. I was a bit terrified posting in AIBU.

@Doona your advice about setting out to write a good quality book and sticking to it is good. It really resonated when you said the final stretch is when it's worst. My beginnings are fabulous, I just can't follow through, so the overall book/project/thing always falls flat.

@SenoraMiasma you're right I get bored when things are too easy... maybe that's one reason why I keep starting new things.

@NrlySp what's an ADHD coach and how do you find one?

@AwkwardPaws27 wow accountancy training? That's incredible. I only know one person who completed theirs and the other people I know who tried were very intelligent hard workers and went on to do good things. One went on to work for the national grid as an engineer and he's really happy with that job.

@Cyberworrier I was on a waiting list for NHS DBT then we moved abroad again. It's the only one I haven't tried. How long did you do it for?

@Hawkins001 you make a good point about time vs money.

I know a few people have mentioned therapy. I've had a lot of it (to the detriment of my bank account) and the mindfulness approaches have helped with my anxiety a bit but I struggle with the unstructured, open-endedness of most counsellors and I also rebel if it's too rigid (I walked out on a counsellor over them aggressively controlling the conversation). I took a CBT course in September which was great in-class but at home I don't seem able to guide myself to work through the right problems.

@AwkwardPaws27 wow accountancy training? That's incredible. I only know one person who completed theirs and the other people I know who tried were very intelligent hard workers and went on to do good things. One went on to work for the national grid as an engineer and he's really happy with that job.

I'm shit at it and failing spectacularly though.

Great advice from posters 👍
All the best. Look after yourself. xx

I have ADHD late dx in my early forties, I am on medication but tbh it only has limited benefit, I have had lots of CBT over the years . Agree it is expensive, the happiness trap by Russ Harris on ACT therapy has made a difference. Especially with anxiety.

You actually sound amazing and that fact that you have published 30 books! how cool.

I suggest you work on writing a cv, look at what you have done and what skills you have gained from them. For example from your first job you have gained selling experience and from your hospitality jobs you have gained customer service experience.

I think you need to look at job adverts and see what takes your fancy and decide fi your skills match up.

You are also a published author and a qualified teacher, you can apply for head of English jobs if this is actually something you wanted to do or even do supply teaching. There is currently recruitment issues with teachers so I'm sure you will find schools to work for. You would be an asset to any school.

Hi OP.

DBT for me anyway felt much more effective and hard hitting than CBT. I found CBT quite useful but only for some of the issues I had, eg sleep hygiene helped with insomnia- but CBT couldn't help me work out why I couldn't sleep/ tackle the bigger picture. DBT is really structured and you are given homework to do outside of therapy. It's not just waffly talking about your feelings- it's logical. You do get to express your emotions, but in a context of looking at particular situations, working out why you feel that way, what would be a more effective way to manage, etc.

A full DBT program involves group therapy and one to one therapy. I saw a therapist one to one for about 4 years (it was extremely helpful from the get go but I had a lot of stuff to sort out/ongoing problems). I've also done group therapy for about 1.5 years- I probably got more out of it having already done DBT one to one than I would have done going fresh in. If you like I can DM you the name of the practice I went to, they do online as well as in person.