To be fucked off with DH for this

[Dia12]

I am fuming.

DH has been banging on about buying me a nice piece of jewellery since our DD was born 6 months ago. He's made some effort at taking me to 2 jewellers locally and then decided we should take a trip to london to have a look there.

Finally manages to arrange a day where we can go. Day trip only. I get dd and myself ready, and pack all of her things. DH drives us down and just literally takes a back seat and leaves it to me to navigate which shops to go to, where to eat, how to get there. We browsed a couple of shops but then decided we should sit down and eat as baby was also hungry. DH doesn't
like the restaurants we walk by, isn't forthcoming about anything else. started googling and takes me to some shit hole with blokes smoking shisha outside.

Meanwhile our DD is getting so cranky, I fed her a bottle in her pram. She then just wouldn't settle at all and DH starts blaming me for not finding a restaurant earlier. He has a habit of blaming me everyone else (mainly me) when things go south. Said I was being rude & shouting, that I've got an attitude problem etc

We ended up arguing so i walked back to the car and now we are driving back in silence having done nothing but waste the day driving there and walking around like fucking morons.

Am I wrong to think that it shouldn't be all my fucking responsibility to plan the day, the itinerary, do all the prep and care for our dd for a present that he's meant to buy for me?
He just thinks driving us down and carrying your daughter when she's changed and fed is

Posted too soon...

Was meant to end with :

He thinks driving us down, and just holding his child once she's dressed and fed is such job well done as a father and husband.
And I'm the worst person in the world because I get angry at this shit.

Sounds as if you both expect the other to be proactive.

It would have been fine to say 'I don't want to travel for a day with a young baby to shop, it will be stressful and I won't have good memories. Come up with another way?'

But it also sounds as if he expects you to take over once he's started something off, without asking you or even making it possible for you to do that.

I totally get it! Unless you gently explain that it’s not good enough, it’s the best he can do. I believe in showing him what you expect, or just asking!! It may be boring bit at least you’ll get what you need. Some men just need asking, or telling. But when told are more than happy to oblige. I’ve given up expecting my husband to read my mind. We’ve been married 25 years this year!

Very different expectations here. Do you actually want a piece of jewelry? I would have swapped a diamond ring for an extra hours sleep when DC was 6 months. And driving to London with no plan and a baby sounds like a shit show waiting to happen. I think with better communication this could have worked. But yes, overall he is massively irritating but possibly meant well. Just expected you to have a plan and you expected him to have a plan. His reaction is not really excusable though.

Tell him what you want.

No, this would drive me bananas. It’s meant to be a gift for you (and I won’t lie, initially when it was chat about jewellery I was a bit ‘is this going to be a bit entitled’ but it’s not - he wants the pat on the back of buying a gift for you, he just doesn’t want to do the work!)

I’d explain to him that you don’t have high expectations, but a gift for you needs to be just that - not another thing to add to your to do list when you’re pretty much on full time baby duty. Saying ‘I want to buy you a gift but not have to think about it in the slightest’ - I’d rather no gift tbh.

Sorry Op, not super helpful but I completely get it and it’d fuck me off too.

It’s like saying ‘I’m taking you away for your milestone birthday’ but then expecting you to research it, book it, get everyone’s tickets and passports sorted, do all the packing, organise car hire, manage the kids in the airport and sort activities when you get there. There’s much more to a present than just paying for it, as they say ‘it’s the thought that counts’. In this case he’s making you do all the ‘thinking’.

It’s a present you are picking out for yourself so I get why he thought perhaps you should choose the shops to visit instead of him? It sounds like he failed to communicate with you about the trip so you had different expectations from each other.

The rest is just bickering when doing a day trip with a 6mo old...because it always goes south with a baby. I took my 6mo old to a destination wedding of all things, what an idiot I was to even think that was a good idea. I find a good sense of humour is the only way to survive it. Let go of the anger and fuming and see if you cannot have a laugh over it.

So, plan a second trip but leave baby with a sitter or family member. Communicate with each other about which shops to go to, and whether to make a reservation at a restaurant. It will be much more pleasant just the two of you.

Yeh there is clearly a communication problem. But this passive, complacency isn't new.

I was looking forward to the day out and although I knew it wouldn't be a stroll in the park, I was willing to take on the lions share of the caregiving of our DD but i really feel he's taking the utter piss with expecting to not organise a single thing.

He further winds me up with his calm but very accusatory & inflammatory comments he makes when things start to go wrong. For example, he mentioned that he would be cancelling our forthcoming holiday as he could see it would as equally disastrous as today.
Obviously this riled me up some more.

Do you have access to money OP? He sounds quite controlling.

Thank you for understanding.

I'd rather not have the gift if this is the price I have to pay for jt.
And he can cancel the damn holiday too because actually, that too, has been the result of my hard work researching & booking. Every other holiday has been the same.

It's been such a struggle getting to this point in having a baby. We had multiple ivfs (but dd was natural) and I did all the reading and planning for those too.

But now I'm just so sick of him. I'm finding it harder to keep things going, when it should be so much easier. I know babies are hard but I feel like it's more than just the strain of a newborn.

No access to money. Left my job with all the infertility struggle to concentrate on ivf.
I'm stuck.

Why are there so many men like this?
Sounds like all you want/need is a key to unlock your shackles so you can get away.

I sympathise - when DD2 was a similar age I ended up yelling at DH to "Just make an F ing decision" in the middle of a car park when he asked me how long to get parking for... The mental load can be relentless at the best of times let alone with a little one out of routine. I think you do need to sit him down and explain that when he said he was going to organise a day in London to choose a nice piece of jewellery that was what you expected him to do - ie ORGANISE as in searching for jewellers, booking a restaurant etc not driving to London and then asking what's happening.

To put it in context, a friends husband decided he'd buy her a watch for a milestone birthday. Despite being busy he went to Bond Street and picked up brochures for all the different watch shops and gave them to her on her birthday and told her he'd booked a table for brunch at The Wolsey and taken a day off the following week so that once she'd had a chance to look at the brochures and decide what she liked they could make a day of it. OK that's a big budget example but it was the thought this very busy man put in to making an experience for his wife that is the message.

Let him cancel the holiday then, you go somewhere nice with the little one instead. I hate it when men try to throw their weight about, tell him to get to fuck.

How nice is that @londonmummy1966 - that's how it should be done.

It's not beyond my idiotic DH's capacity to do this. He's just complacent and that's forged by his arrogance....because he thinks he's such an amazing husband he doesn't have to do much.

He's so politely spoken, so gentle, so refined, well educated ...blah blah...that he can be the biggest dick but he does it so fucking POLITELY so it's all ok!

Oh op, put your foot down now (and get counselling) as it does not get better.

Today DH got nasty because he expected me to research something and deal with it, and i dared to ask him to "help". They needed a deposit which only he can pay (I don't have my own money). I asked if I should email them for the bank details or call them. Sounds a reasonable question, right?

Him: oh my god, stop asking me questions!! (raised voice, slammed his coffee mug down, spilling it, waving his arms )
Me: dont shout at me, it needs paying, so which one
Him: well I don't know (huffs), (silence, i refused to speak further) do that then (waves arms)
Me: What?
Him: What you said
Me: Which one, there's two options
Him: I don't know....either....(glares at me)
Me: How about I call to pay now so you can give your card details, then an email confirming payment and dates, then we are covered.
Him: Yeah (suddenly calmer, quieter voice)

So...he couldn't even push a couple of buttons on a phone or speak to them (was on speakerphone). He sat right next to me.... fucking controlling arsehole. OP - that is your future.

I hate that quiet meanness. I have an xh. He thought I believed all his attempts to blame me for everything.

OP - yes it was lovely - lets just say that a lot of the school mums went home and related what a lovely husband Ermengarde had. I'm not sure all the dads were that pleased to see him at the next year assembly.

So your DH is a knob and has been for a while? What do you want to do OP? If he's not changed his ways up to now, he's not likely to change ever.

You will have to decide if this is the life you want for yourself. You will also have to consider how your DD will learn that this is normal and desirable for relationships in her future.

I know what I'd do in your situation.

It’s simple laziness.

I plan and organise everything in my house. The problem is I can’t trust DH to do it, as he just won’t plan or think about what needs doing so would fuck it up. I can’t win but getting fed up with it for sure.

Omg, can he not understand he also needs to contribute rather than just being their ?