Coping with house guests

[DameEdnasNeighbourhoodWatch]

Name changed for this - in need some advice. There has been a lot of new stresses in my life over the last few months - husband has been diagnosed with a debilitating chronic illness and facing major surgery in the next few weeks, we have had a close relative pass away suddenly in another country, we have had to dissolve our family business as my husband unable to work and also my mother has just been diagnosed with a terminal illness.

MIL lives in Cyprus and is coming to stay indefinitely to support us during DH surgery and recovery. I have anxiety due to all these recent events (never been bothered by anxiety before) and I am so so worried about this upcoming visit.

I have been to GP and been started on medication for my anxiety but I am still so irritable and on edge. I am worried about sharing my space for such a long period of time, especially when I don't even have the escape of work to get out at the moment.

This isn't a MIL bashing thread. I just really need advice about how to cope with sharing my home when I am feeling so anxious about so many things outwith my control. Please help.

I would be tempted to use the phrase 'it will be nice to SEE you', rather than 'it will be nice for you to STAY'. Then you can give her a list of local B&Bs, hotels, motels etc for her to stay at..Do this before she even sets off from her home.
She can come and visit you each day and you can ask her to help with laundry, shopping, housework etc. That to me is the definition of 'support'. Otherwise she may park herself on the sofa and expect a free holiday with you running around after her.

I'm serious. If you are feeling unwell, and are worried about your DH, then the last thing you need is the worry of a visitor. If she genuinely wants to help then she will understand your need for space in your own home.

I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through. I suppose it’s hard to advise without knowing about your living situation? Are there children? How big a space do you have? For me it would be all about zoning - giving her specific areas to help with and asking her not to get involved in others; giving her part of your home that can be ‘hers’ so that she’s not so much in the parts that are ‘yours’ - is that possible?

Thanks for your replies - we have a three bed one bathroom one kitchen so a lot of sharing spaces. Mil is on a pension and cannot afford accommodation elsewhere. We have a five year old child who I am trying to keep everything as normal as possible for.

I like the zone idea but I don't think we have enough room for that.

I understand her son being unwell must be heart breaking for her, but I KNOW I am gonna to struggle with all of this.

Why is she coming to stay indefinitely OP? Did you ask her to do so? Did she offer and your DH said 'Yes please'? Is there any way you can backtrack at this point and set a time limit on her visit?

I'm one of those people who think house guests are like fish (they start to stink after three days), so I'm perhaps not the best one to advise on strategies for coping, instead I'd said 'How kind and we're looking forward to seeing you, but it really isn't necessary for you to come over indefinitely. Do come for a week/a fortnight [or whatever you can cope with], but we've had a lot of trauma recently and I'm afraid we just aren't in a position to host you long-term'.

Why is she coming indefinitely?

I didn't ask her to come indefinitely. I think she assumes we will need her help because of my mums diagnosis. She wants to book a one way flight until DH is "back on his feet"

I genuinely think for my mental health, it will be worse for us all having her stay. My husband has went from playing contact sports to potentially facing time in a wheelchair and this will be hugely challenging for all of us, and I know I will be worried about his mood and how he's dealing with everything.

I’d cope by thinking of her as family staying not a ‘guest’. Obviously provide the basic guest stuff like towels and a room with fresh bedding, but tell her to treat it as her home. That way she’ll be more at ease and you won’t feel like you need to wait on her, or make her hot drinks or anything. Treat her as one of the family instead of a visitor who needs to be catered for?

You need to be honest and up front about what you want OP. If she hasn't booked her flight yet, you have time to intervene, thank her, but make it abundantly clear that an indefinite stay is not necessary and not welcome. You can make it sound nice, but FGS be firm!

I think it's normal for you to have anxiety under these circumstances. What is her health like? Is she able to do cleaning, at least of her own space? or will you have to do that? If you do, then adding another person could be sufficient additional dirtiness to require you to do more deep cleaning, which could be stressful and only add to your burden. But if she is someone who likes to clean, then maybe she can take that all the way off your plate.

I think lots of people just feel better and safer if their mother is around, even grown adults. So if she can provide mental support for your husband, then that could be a big help to you, so you can put your own thoughts towards your mum. Will you be able to go stay with your mum, if your MIL is able to babysit your child?

How are you all supporting yourselves with the family business gone?

She wants to book a one way flight until DH is "back on his feet"

Op one way of allaying your anxieties is by taking control of the situation. I know you are possibly afraid of offending her but much better to but boundaries in place now than it all coming to a head later.

Don't feel guilty. You have a lot on your plate and are coping the best way you can.

Do not let her book without a return date. That would be very anxiety provoking for you, not knowing when she is going to leave!

Can you and your DH afford to pay for accommodation nearby, or perhaps for one week of it? Perhaps one week in your home and one week in a b&b?

Be honest with her and say you appreciate the thought but there is a lot going on.

Is she Cypriot? If so it's very likely she's coming to help you, rather than being waited on. I'd avail of any help she can give and just be open about how hard you're finding this time. 'MIL as you're a great cook, the kitchen can be your domain, I'll do the cleaning'.