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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I outgrown this friendship?

27 replies

strugglinglife · 23/03/2022 12:33

I’m 24 and i’ve been friends with a girl for around 8 years. We usually used to go on nights out and, although to be honest sometimes there were awkward silences, she was a very caring friend to me.

We used to be fairly similar in the sense that we were both anxious and struggled with our mental health and we used to relate and support each other.

Last year we decided to move into a flat together due to difficulties with her family and me simply wanting my own space.

However, i’ve come to realise that we don’t have much in common anymore:

  • she’s a big drinker, always comes in very drunk from nights out. I’ve recently decided I want to cut down on alcohol and am not overly keen on nights out anymore
  • she is single and I am in a relationship so naturally I spend more time in, or at his house
  • she is a very dramatic person who always makes jokes about us relating due to our anxiety and dramaticness. I feel I have a hold over my mental health these days
  • I just want a quiet life, sometimes I am very introvert and like to sit in my room on my own after a long day. She can be quite overbearing and often walks around the house sighing or talking out loud, when I’m simply not in the mood to talk.

She recently spoke to me about how she’s feeling down because we’ve barely spent any time together in the flat. When I have my boyfriend round she said she would like to eat dinner with us then leave us to it, or watch a film with us sometimes. She also said maybe on the weekends if I go to his I should spend a few hours with her first.

The awful thing is, I realised I don’t really want to. And I feel terrible saying that. But I’ve realised from her saying that that I really don’t want to, she makes me feel quite drained and low on energy. I’m not someone who spends all my time with my boyfriend by the way, I love spending time with my other friends.

I just feel we are very different and have nothing in common anymore. She’s a binge drinker, loves nights out, and only really talks to me about boys she’s talking to or slept with. I’m much more introvert, have a hold on my anxiety, enjoy my nights in.

Am I a horrible person for feeling this way? That I simply don’t want to spend time with her but do with my other friends? She’s a really nice girl who has my best interests at heart and has been there through some difficult times.

OP posts:
EishetChayil · 23/03/2022 12:38

YANBU.

Time to move on and move out.

galacticpixels · 23/03/2022 12:41

I had a friend who I was really close to until we lived together. I hated living with her and it ruined our friendship.

You're not being unreasonable to feel the way you do - try to look at moving out if you can.

Feeellostindirection · 23/03/2022 12:43

What you describe would drain me too op, and I have walked away from friendship's that have drained me and not looked back. Can't imagine having to live with someone who made me feel that way. I'd look at moving out and gradually cutting down contact if you can't tell her outright you're had enough. She might even be more tolerable as a friend if you didn't live with her.

Original poster
strugglinglife · 23/03/2022 12:44

I have at least 3 months left of the tenancy. I feel bad because she means well and I don’t want her time in the flat to be a misery either. I’d love to want to spend time with her but I just don’t get excited about it.. :/

OP posts:
Takeitonthechin · 23/03/2022 12:50

If you have 3 months on your tenancy, how much notice do you have to give?
Is it time to tell her you're moving on and it gives her a chance to find a new tennant.
Could you move closer to your boyfriend and use this as a reason to say you're moving out?!

Sparklesocks · 23/03/2022 12:51

It happens - as we get older and go through different phases of life what we are looking for in our friends may change. You might have a handful of lifelong friends along the way, but most people will be guest stars.

I had similar experience post-uni and going into my mid 20s - I used to spend weekends travelling around the country to see my group of university friends. Then gradually I realised I didn’t have as much in common with some of them, or I resented them if I felt they weren’t matching my efforts to spend time together (eg it would always be travelling to see them, or instigating meet ups etc). It felt hard because we’d been so close and it wasn’t the same. It felt like a big Moment for me because most of the time I’d only lost touch with friends if we’d had a row, or they’d moved abroad.

Living together can also be quite intense and magnify issues you have. You feel the way you feel and it’s your right to. I think the best next step would mean moving out and putting that distance between you. You might find it breathes new life into your relationship when you’re not annoyed about who hasn’t cleaned the bathroom, or just not seeing her every day - but even if not, it’s ok to move away from the friendship - it’s very common.

Underfrighter · 23/03/2022 12:54

Can you schedule in some time with her for more relaxing activities like watching a movie or going a walk or something? You've only got 3 months left. I would move though, I'd frame it as your lifestyles and interests are so different that you dont want any conflict to affect your friendship

Original poster
strugglinglife · 23/03/2022 13:10

I guess that’s all true!

Yes I could easily schedule more time for relaxing activities with her, but I feel a lot of guilt because I really don’t want to, like even sitting on my sofa watching a film with her just makes me want to do something else and that makes me feel like a really horrible person

OP posts:
billy1966 · 23/03/2022 13:14

It happens.

It's a part of growing up.

Friends for reasons or seasons.

Make your plans and give her notice on time.

It's ok to want to move on.

You don't owe someone a friendship, but be gentle while being busy with your life.

IsItFuck · 23/03/2022 13:18

You're not horrible you've just outgrown her as you said. In fairness she does sound very needy and if you're an introvert (take it from me!) that need for space and serenity will only increase as you age!

Momijin · 23/03/2022 13:29

If you no longer want to spend time with her yet enjoy spending time with other people then it is her.

It is also normal to spend time with your boyfriend and friends shouldn't make you feel guilty about it.

Maybe have a chat with her, tell her that you appreciate the fun times you've had and her support but that even if you live together you need alone time and not to be made feel guilty for that. That youve changed and drinking a lot is no longer your thing.

Original poster
strugglinglife · 23/03/2022 13:54

Definitely true. She’s definitely overwhelming and makes me feel bad for trivial things such as spending time with boyfriend or doing other things. And we just don’t share any interests anymore…

I’ve had a chat with her after she screamed at me for being rude when I asked her to leave the room for a zoom meeting, and I said I find her stifling and overwhelming sometimes. She said she just wants to do basic things together and I feel bad for not wanting to as I don’t want to make her time in the house a misery as well…

OP posts:
sweetbellyhigh · 23/03/2022 13:57

Nothing like moving in with a friend to destroy the friendship!

I think you could be kinder; you have done your best here to annihilate her personality and paint yourself as a superior character here.
She is probably disappointed with you too, she moved in with you and you have basically checked out in favour of your boyfriend.

Just move on.

Original poster
strugglinglife · 23/03/2022 14:00

That’s not true. I only see my boyfriend twice a week but she moans when we want our own time. I’m in during weekday evenings but she’s often out getting very drunk (and has stumbled into my room at 3am on two occasions when I have to be up early).

I’m in no way superior, I’m just saying I feel we have different personalities and I feel guilty for that

OP posts:
Sally872 · 23/03/2022 14:01

Sounds like you aren't good flatmates anymore. How often is boyfriend around? Do you also go to his? I would be a bit annoyed if constantly 3rd wheel in my own home. Doesn't excuse her behaviour or mean you should change but it is important to make time for friends too. Perhaps if you move out and see her at planned times rather than living together you may get on again.

Original poster
strugglinglife · 23/03/2022 14:03

He’s only round once a week. As I’ve said, I make time for other friends and see them on weekday evenings / weekends too. All I’m saying is I feel the desire to see them but feel drained at the thought of spending time with my housemate because our personalities are so different now

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 23/03/2022 14:04

If you were holding a zoom meeting in a communal space then I agree it was rude for you to kick her out of the room. You should have moved to your bedroom.

I think her behaviour is over the top and it's fine for you to outgrow her (not all friendships last forever). I can however see her pov where you seem to essentially be banning her from joint spaces when your boyfriend is over. She shouldn't be made to feel like a third wheel in her own home

lemongreentea · 23/03/2022 14:10

she sounds overbearing and jealous of your relationship. it will only get worse until she meets someone herself and then you wont see much of her.

Original poster
strugglinglife · 23/03/2022 14:19

I don’t ban her, I’ve never told her to leave. However I do find that she always wants to spend the whole evening with us when he is round and granted that he’s only round once a week I do find it a bit strange. I’d never tell her to go to her room but I think that’s where we differ when maybe I’d give her and her boyfriend space once a week. I just find her quite overwhelming and she’s a very different character to me these days

OP posts:
IsItFuck · 23/03/2022 14:21

and has stumbled into my room at 3am on two occasions when I have to be up early

This alone would make me explode

Beanie567 · 23/03/2022 14:27

You may find the friendship re-grows after you move out - that saying about familiarity breeding contempt etc.

sonjadog · 23/03/2022 14:30

It sounds like you have outgrown each other. Nothing wrong with the life she wants either, but it isn't what you want. If your tenancy ends in three months, can you not just grin and bear it until then? It isn't that long and then you could move out and away without any falling out or arguments.

ThinWomansBrain · 23/03/2022 14:32

you're flatmates - and friends - but that doesn't mean you have to be on hand 24-7 as her personal entertainer - if your BF was there full time, maybe she'd have a point, but hardly if it's just once a week.

Just let her know that you're not planning to renew when the tenancy runs it's course, then she has three nmonths tp plan next steps.

Kego · 23/03/2022 14:49

I think living together is too much. I wouldn’t jump to call quits on the friendship but you need space and it’s time to move on in your life. You’ll probably find it much nicer catching up with her when you aren’t living together

ManateeFair · 23/03/2022 14:51

YANBU.

Like you say, you’ve been friends for 8 years and most people are different people at 24 than they were at 16; it’s normal for friendships to change over time.

Apart from the obvious stuff - screaming at you when you had a Zoom meeting? Stumbling into your room at 3am? Wtf - it does sound like she is quite demanding of you and wanting a lot of attention.

I think her expectations of a flat mate are almost more like most people’s expectations of a partner - spending set amounts of time with each other etc, wanting you to set aside time to devote to her if you’re going to be away at the weekends etc isn’t an obligation I’d feel towards a flatmate. You’re both adults with independent lives; you shouldn’t need to be joined at the hip.

If you are more of an introvert, then it’s also worth considering that maybe you’re more suited to living alone than with a friend. I live with my partner, but there is no way I could live with anyone else.