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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm STILL angry

21 replies

OverSharon · 23/03/2022 11:28

DB is significantly younger than me, nearly two decades between us. His father left before he turned one; I hated how that was likely to affect him so I volunteered to take over the role as much as possible, which at one point involved taking a year off college to look after him as DM was a student and didn't have money for childcare. I later took another year off of university to help when DM became unwell.

DM has what I can only describe as a phobia of administrative tasks, having genuine anxiety attacks when faced with the requirement to fill in a form or call a business etc etc... I regularly help her with these tasks. I'll continue to do so. In the past after arguments, she has hugged me and thanked me for helping her with these things, and has said she's so grateful for me being around.

I'm currently living in sheltered accommodation with my children after leaving an abusive relationship.

I had borrowed an item from DM which was important, and I failed to return it when I said I would. DM was upset about this. She didn't call or text to let me know she was upset about how long I was taking; regardless, I should have returned it more promptly. It was just that this situation made me question why DM wouldn't check to see if I'm okay as all of these days passed.

So when I finally found the courage to call and take the well deserved verbal bashing for forgetting to return her property, I asked later on in the conversation "Why didn't you check if I was okay before getting so angry?". Which made DM more angry as she saw it as trying to garner sympathy. So she became more angry and started saying things out of anger that truly upset me. Leading DB to come into the room to demand to know what's going on, then tell me I shouldn't be crying around my children, going on to say that I'm generally an incompetent human being. Genuinely using the word "incompetent". He certainly had a lot to say, and so did DM, mirroring his opinions. I was so grateful that it was a phone conversation that I could hang up on.

Since then I've become angry at the fact that DM and DB don't have a high opinion of me at all, and I'm left feeling as though I've wasted 20 years of my life trying to help them. Now I feel they can fuck themselves and I regret that I can never get those years of my life back.

I accept the situation was caused my my inaction, I just don't think the response was justified and I now feel a lot more alone in my journey to make a better life for DC, which is why I won't engage with DM and DB any more, at least until I've pulled my head out of my arse. DC are more important than this BS which is why I want to vent.

When I cast my mind back to the situation, I feel just as angry in the present as I did during the confrontation. AIBU to still feel angry. Or to have even felt angry to begin with?

OP posts:
PhoboPhobia · 23/03/2022 11:44

YANBU - they sound awful. Of course ideally you would have returned the thing on time but aren't people who love you supposed to cut you some slack? It sounds like you are having a tough time at the moment on top of supporting them - where is the sympathy let alone gratitude.

Maybe take some time to take it all in and see how you feel in a couple of days. Concentrate on yourself and your DCs and let them stew.

incognitoforthisone · 23/03/2022 12:53

I think my response would be "OK - fine. If you think I'm incompetent, you can manage your own lives from now on. DB, you can take over doing all DM's admin for her from now on. I took years out of my own life to look after you both, and now you're prepared to ignore all that because I forgot to return a single item - an item which you could easily have just called and asked me for. Did it not occur to you that I might have forgotten because I've got quite a lot on my plate at the moment, what with being in a women's refuge with my children and living in fear of a violent partner? And yes - I do want some bloody sympathy because I bloody deserve it, you pair of arseholes."

Or words to that effect.

Underfrighter · 23/03/2022 12:57

Have you told them how you feel? I think definitely scale back on the help. How old is your brother? Im hoping he is at an age where he is say late teens or v early 20s where he isnt yet used to real life and it hasnt dawned on him how much you have done for him

User73ui843 · 23/03/2022 13:06

They sound enmeshed and projecting.

billy1966 · 23/03/2022 13:08

@incognitoforthisone

I think my response would be "OK - fine. If you think I'm incompetent, you can manage your own lives from now on. DB, you can take over doing all DM's admin for her from now on. I took years out of my own life to look after you both, and now you're prepared to ignore all that because I forgot to return a single item - an item which you could easily have just called and asked me for. Did it not occur to you that I might have forgotten because I've got quite a lot on my plate at the moment, what with being in a women's refuge with my children and living in fear of a violent partner? And yes - I do want some bloody sympathy because I bloody deserve it, you pair of arseholes."

Or words to that effect.

This.

Appalling behaviour.
But not surprising.

Those that have a lot done for them are often the last people to appreciate it, IMO.

Stop doing a single thing for them.

Focus on yourself and your children.
Flowers

Nicholethejewellery · 23/03/2022 13:35

I don't think you should blame DB over this, your anger should be directed at your DM. It's not DB's fault his dad walked out when he was 1, nor is it his fault his mother is as useless as you describe. Whatever you've tried to do, you're no substitute for a decent father/husband. Make sure your anger is directed in the right place though, i.e. your mother, that's where you should be targetting.

Beautiful3 · 23/03/2022 13:46

I think this may have been a good thing to have happened. Just learn to take a massive step back. No more helping out. Concentrate on yourself.

Whatinthelord · 23/03/2022 13:51

Wow it sounds like your mother relied on you way more than she should have, making you fulfil some kind of co-parent/partner type role rather than having a parent child relationship.

Some people will take and take and give nothing back….especially when there is someone willing to continuing giving.

I’d cut contact for a while and then have only limited contact.

I find it utterly shocking that after helping her so much in your youth she hasn’t offered any support at this difficult time.

I am left wondering what item was so important it caused this issue. I assume something fairly mundane.

WiddlinDiddling · 23/03/2022 14:00

Wow..

Yes I would be thinking 'well let's see you manage by yourself from now on, as I won't be bothering'...

But it might be relevant what the item was.. I mean if this was say.. a pencil case, mm, they're total arseholes.

If this was some life or death equipment that has caused them genuine hardship to do without, i think they're still arseholes but are reacting out of anger.

SarahProblem · 23/03/2022 14:04

Take this as a wake up call to not let the next 20 years of your life be dictated by DM and DB. Step back and stop doing anything for them whether that be outright NC or less signaled lack of availability, focusing on you and yours.

Reclaim the rest of your life OP.

EmmaH2022 · 23/03/2022 14:06

@incognitoforthisone

I think my response would be "OK - fine. If you think I'm incompetent, you can manage your own lives from now on. DB, you can take over doing all DM's admin for her from now on. I took years out of my own life to look after you both, and now you're prepared to ignore all that because I forgot to return a single item - an item which you could easily have just called and asked me for. Did it not occur to you that I might have forgotten because I've got quite a lot on my plate at the moment, what with being in a women's refuge with my children and living in fear of a violent partner? And yes - I do want some bloody sympathy because I bloody deserve it, you pair of arseholes."

Or words to that effect.

This.
Firstruleofsoupover · 23/03/2022 14:16

I don't know about "well deserved verbal bashing" OP. If I lend someone something and I don't need it back, I leave it till we are next likely to see each other. If I do need it back, I call and say "sorry to be a bother, is it okay if I pick up X item at the weekend or if you are in town, please could you drop it off to me."

That is how grown ups treat each other. Not immediately piling in and slagging someone off because they haven't returned something on time.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 23/03/2022 14:16

@incognitoforthisone

I think my response would be "OK - fine. If you think I'm incompetent, you can manage your own lives from now on. DB, you can take over doing all DM's admin for her from now on. I took years out of my own life to look after you both, and now you're prepared to ignore all that because I forgot to return a single item - an item which you could easily have just called and asked me for. Did it not occur to you that I might have forgotten because I've got quite a lot on my plate at the moment, what with being in a women's refuge with my children and living in fear of a violent partner? And yes - I do want some bloody sympathy because I bloody deserve it, you pair of arseholes."

Or words to that effect.

Perfection.

And respond to future requests for help with "sounds like you need someone competent to help with that..."

Cheeky fuckers

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 23/03/2022 14:20

@incognitoforthisone

I think my response would be "OK - fine. If you think I'm incompetent, you can manage your own lives from now on. DB, you can take over doing all DM's admin for her from now on. I took years out of my own life to look after you both, and now you're prepared to ignore all that because I forgot to return a single item - an item which you could easily have just called and asked me for. Did it not occur to you that I might have forgotten because I've got quite a lot on my plate at the moment, what with being in a women's refuge with my children and living in fear of a violent partner? And yes - I do want some bloody sympathy because I bloody deserve it, you pair of arseholes."

Or words to that effect.

This is the perfect response xxx
LadyMaid · 23/03/2022 14:24

Sometimes we need to be slapped so hard that it continues to sting for the rest of our life.
That is the only way that we realise how we mean to some people.

Put your children and your mental wellbeing first.

LadyMaid · 23/03/2022 14:25

@LadyMaid

Sometimes we need to be slapped so hard that it continues to sting for the rest of our life. That is the only way that we realise how we mean to some people.

Put your children and your mental wellbeing first.

How LITTLE mean.
1forAll74 · 23/03/2022 14:50

Always best to try and temper down your anger, even though others, with their actions, have made you feel this way. You know what you have done in the past, but others are just disregarding all the facts, and being mean to you. being angry is bad for you,, and can affect your everyday life to some extent.

Josette77 · 23/03/2022 14:55

They are now on their own. No more helping them. That is genuinely shitty. You deserve better. I am so sorry for everything you have been through. 💗

ButtockUp · 23/03/2022 16:08

I agree.

Your brother can deal with your mum's admin and she can take care of all the other things that she has foisted on to you. ( I suspect she's more than capable of dealing with 'stuff' herself.)

You need to look out for your own children and yourself.

Original poster
OverSharon · 23/03/2022 16:48

Thanks so much to everybody for helping me to get some perspective. Incognito did actually put it perfectly. The idea of my brother helping my mother with filling in a form is so comical its verging on cathartic Grin.

In terms of the property, it can be classed in the same bracket as say a passport; you don't need it until you NEED it, but in the mean time you would feel a lot more comfortable having it nearby.

DC need me at my best, so DM and DB can go and shag a thorn bush.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddling · 23/03/2022 22:35

So.. no one actually suffered for lack of access the 'thing'...

Aye, they've dug their hole, you can leave them to discover they've no ladder all by themselves! Grin

Take a deep breath OP... and welcome to your new, far less stressful life!

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