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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lonely and out of a toxic relationship

4 replies

mamabr · 22/03/2022 19:03

Hi 👋 POTENTIAL TRIGGER DV

For context, I have one toddler and I'm 20 weeks pregnant. Both to the same man.
We split up a few weeks ago (maybe 3/4 weeks) and he's since moved a few hours away for work, he really wants to get back together and I'm really hesitant.
It's been toxic since day one, he took me away from friends and started isolating me and I was so naive that I didn't realise, then I fell pregnant.. he started pushing me around but then he'd cry his eyes out after and I'd feel really bad and I brushed it aside.
He stopped for a few months and then things got worse, to the point it was physical and mental. I can say now that I was living with domestic violence but it took me a while to realize it.
He was diagnosed with PTSD and has had a bad past and he blames a lot on his illness, he says he didn't initially realise how bad it was and he's sorry and he will get help and sort himself out.
He's adamant on "making me fall back in love with him" I still stupidly love him and I feel bad for him but I can't keep living like this. I'm pregnant though, so what do I do..
My daughter goes to bed around 6pm so after that I find myself to be lonely some nights, I have thought about just talking to other men.. I think it's just the attention I want if im honest.
I don't want another relationship and im embarrassed to be pregnant again to him, I haven't even posted on social media that im expecting.. is that awful?
I want the baby, I don't regret the baby and I know I will love them as much as I do my daughter but im embarrassed about my situation.
He does have good qualities too, he's not all bad and its not bad all of the time either.
I just want to hear other peoples thoughts on this.. should I be with him?
Is it bad to speak to other people?
Thanks

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 22/03/2022 19:25

Firstly I want to say well done for protecting yourself and your children by recognising the abuse and making yourself safe.

Secondly - I'm going to sound harsh but it's depressing that you think the answer is to find another man! It isn't - what you need are good friends around you

Consider the freedom program to help you understand what you have gone through - join some groups, bounce and rhyme, baby massage, toddler groups - maybe try paediatric first aid - get out - meet people and realise life doesn't need to be all about a relationship - find yourself first!

Best of luck

ghostyslovesheets · 22/03/2022 19:25

oh and NO you should not be with him - he's an abusive cunt

mamabr · 22/03/2022 19:45

@ghostyslovesheets
It doesn't sound harsh, I know it's not the answer and I know if I jumped into another relationship it wouldn't be right but I'm just lonely..
I've lived in another country for a few years and I've only been back for a year, I'm in a town where I don't have anybody so I'm trying to start a life and make friends but I don't want to burden anyone I hardly know with my problems.
Thanks for being honest

OP posts:
AHungryCaterpillar · 22/03/2022 19:48

Erm no sorry but I don’t think someone pregnant newly out of an toxic relationship should try to date other men and I say that as someone who was single whilst pregnant. You’re likely to just attract the same kind of man. Anyone that gets with a vulnerable pregnant woman is a red flag tbh

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