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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD two, kicks me and won't stop if I tell her, but stops if her dad tells her !

19 replies

whattheefff · 22/03/2022 17:13

She just keeps kicking me. I tell her NO and it just eggs her on more. She really hurt me just now.

When her dad tells her to stop kicking me, she stops and looks sad. What's going on ??

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 22/03/2022 17:14

She doesnt respect your authority. What do you do when you tell her to stop and she just carries on? If the answer is nothing then there in lies your problem.

Original poster
whattheefff · 22/03/2022 17:16

I keep telling her. Louder and louder. Then I hold her legs or try to distract her or move her so she can no longer kick me.

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 22/03/2022 17:24

I would say she needs consequences. "You have kicked me which is not kind behaviour so now ..." whatever the consequence may be such as sitting on the naughty step, losing TV time etc.

Thingsdogetbetter · 22/03/2022 17:25

Here's what I remember from being a kid and the fact I listened to my dad and not my mum.

My dad would say stop and tell me the consequence if I didn't. If I did it one more time the consequence happened immediately.

My mum would say stop. Then stop louder. Then "stop I mean it this time". This could continue for a while until she'd get really frustrated which tbh was very entertaining for me. Then she'd give a ridiculous consequence that I knew would never happen cos she'd relent when she calmed down.

See the difference?

Original poster
whattheefff · 22/03/2022 17:40

At 2, she's ready for consequences ? OK ! Got it. I didn't think she'd understand that kind of thing yet. Maybe the naughty step or something like that.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/03/2022 18:16

@whattheefff

At 2, she's ready for consequences ? OK ! Got it. I didn't think she'd understand that kind of thing yet. Maybe the naughty step or something like that.
Just pick her up and move her away from you. Every time. With a very firm No.

If you're still close, she'll keep kicking

LoganberryJam · 22/03/2022 18:19

There is a specific point when consequences start working - when they're at a developmental stage to understand "if you do this, then this will happen". IME it's usually somewhere between 2 and 2 and a half, so it depends a bit on whether she's only just 2?

Covidcabana · 22/03/2022 18:43

For my little one from the very start (even before they were talking) when they hit, grabbed hair, kicked or bit I said "No, I'm not for hurting". Now that they are 3 I still say the same and if they try to kick, hit or bite me (which is now rare) I add "I won't let you hurt me". If they continue to try I move my body away or gently hold their body so they can't hurt me.

In my opinion this is good modeling. Children do as they see and by showing them that your body is not for hurting this sets them up for a future where their body is also not for hurting and gives them the words to express this.

Covidcabana · 22/03/2022 18:46

Oh and in my experience getting louder doesn't work (my wee one has a similar character to me and will just fight fire with fire!). I know it can be difficult at times but the calmer I stay the more likely she is to respond to my requests. I think this is because if I'm calm she can sense I'm in control of myself and therefore she feels safe.

Original poster
whattheefff · 22/03/2022 18:52

@Covidcabana

Oh and in my experience getting louder doesn't work (my wee one has a similar character to me and will just fight fire with fire!). I know it can be difficult at times but the calmer I stay the more likely she is to respond to my requests. I think this is because if I'm calm she can sense I'm in control of myself and therefore she feels safe.
It's also absolutely exhausting to have to shout to make them stop doing stuff. My husband doesn't need to shout, but he also doesn't need to show her consequences. She just seems to listen. It really upsets her when he tells her off.
OP posts:
Original poster
whattheefff · 22/03/2022 18:52

Where as when I tell her off, she laughs !

OP posts:
LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 22/03/2022 19:07

She’s at an age where she is supposed to test boundaries - she’s figuring out how her social world works.

Kids this age are supposed to push our buttons. The key is to be warm, nurturing, and loving but firm at the same time.

It’s not helpful to think about things like respect, obedience, naughtiness or to catastrophise and project and imagine her acting like this at 22. She just needs you to help her figure things out.

I have a note in my voice that small children and animals respond to. When I say stop, they stop. Dh doesn’t, and when they were toddlers he got a harder time even though our parenting styles were very similar. It could be something as simple as this that’s making a difference now.

notanothertakeaway · 22/03/2022 19:10

Shouting isn't the answer

Focus on what you want to happen, not the bad behaviour eg "come and sit over here" is better than "stop kicking me" for 2 reasons (1) easier to praise someone for doing X, rather than not doing Y and (2) helpful to give clear instructions of what you want to see. "Stop licking" is less precise - what is she to do instead?

Original poster
whattheefff · 22/03/2022 19:13

@LadyCordeliaFitzgerald

She’s at an age where she is supposed to test boundaries - she’s figuring out how her social world works.

Kids this age are supposed to push our buttons. The key is to be warm, nurturing, and loving but firm at the same time.

It’s not helpful to think about things like respect, obedience, naughtiness or to catastrophise and project and imagine her acting like this at 22. She just needs you to help her figure things out.

I have a note in my voice that small children and animals respond to. When I say stop, they stop. Dh doesn’t, and when they were toddlers he got a harder time even though our parenting styles were very similar. It could be something as simple as this that’s making a difference now.

My dog is the same 🤣🤣🤣

Won't listen to me and acts up a lot with me.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 23/03/2022 10:13

She can't kick you if you're not there! Tell her that you don't like being kicked and so she'll have to play on her own for a bit if she's going to kick you because you don't like it.

Original poster
whattheefff · 23/03/2022 10:22

@StormTreader

She can't kick you if you're not there! Tell her that you don't like being kicked and so she'll have to play on her own for a bit if she's going to kick you because you don't like it.
Yeah she does it a lot when I'm changing her nappy. So it's tough!
OP posts:
Anothermother3 · 23/03/2022 14:11

At 2 distraction before it happens when predictable (like nappy changes). As well as clearly walking away. Ignore her look bored after saying no and saying calmly you won’t play if she kicks.

JudgeJ · 23/03/2022 14:17

Just pick her up and move her away from you. Every time. With a very firm No.

This is where playpens were useful, stick the child into a playpen and go away.

Chippingin2 · 23/03/2022 14:19

I'd suggest saying "I won't let you kick me because ... (eg kicking hurts and it's not ok)" and then physically removing yourself or her so she can't. Firm boundaries every single time - you physically stop her even if it means leaving the room and not coming back for a few minutes.

My DC was a biter and horribly violent at 18 months ish. It was awful. Absolutely wouldn't dream of it now and quick to tell tales as they know it's absolutely not on!

Keep your boundaries and it'll pass x

PS Have you read "How to talk so little kids will listen"?

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