Who's doing the heavy lifting here?

[Travelunravel]

NC for this as I want to get some opinions. Moved to AIBU for traffic.

So I seem to have hit an impasse with a very old friend of mine to the point I am considering ending the friendship.

We live around two and half hours car journey apart and up to ten years ago, before she remarried, she would spend a lot of weekends staying with me, Friday night to Sunday night. Her parents lived very close to me so visits were often combined especially for her birthday. I would occasionally go to stay with her but the invites were not very frequent and she preferred to visit friends at their homes including trips abroad. Her parents are no longer around.

She remarried ten years ago and as expected the meet ups were far less frequent which was fine but the expectation has evolved into what I consider to be a one-sided dynamic where if I don't invite her or them to stay for the weekend or I don't pay out for train tickets or drive to meet her/them somewhere close to where they live it doesn't happen. My partner of four years has never seen her house as we're not invited even though they have stayed with us several times together and we all get on.

We didn't meet for two years due to covid and she was very keen to meet up at the end of last year but wanted us to travel up to meet them for lunch close to them (five hour round trip plus train fares for us) as in her words "it was easy for both of us".

I suggested we meet up half way but was told the train fares were too expensive for a lunch meeting, she suggested we could meet somewhere for an overnight stay. I had let her know that we no longer had a double room spare at my house as my son was back from university and it's his room.

Long story short, I ended up chasing her for over a month for the meet up only to be told that they were both exhausted from going back to work after furlough and needed to take the Monday off to recover from a weekend away, then she forgot that her husband had used up all his leave!

What's going on here? Is it reasonable to expect me to invite, host or pay out for tickets to have a meet up because she travels to stay at my house or is this one-sided?

I ask because my partner, in a completely separate friendship issue, feels that he does most of the heavy lifting with a friend of his as he always drives to see this person and stays overnight. To qualify this friend is invited to stay with us but perfers to socialise on his home turf. Do you think she sees it the same way? I have tried to broach the subject with her but she's quite defensive.

Anyone? I am trying to understand her point of view so any insights would be helpful.

I'm in a friendship a bit like this, where my friend is always the one who visits me. For various reasons I can't stay at hers plus I'd have no one to leave the kids with. I totally think she's the one doing the heavy lifting and I'm feeling very guilty about it.

@SparklyLeprechaun, I would visit my friend if I was invited but I'm not and it doesn't appear to be on the agenda. We did offer to come up there way but no invite to their house. We would have had to book into a hotel. As it happens it fell through due to lockdown restrictions.

@Philisophigal, I have stayed there in the past and she has others to stay so I don't think it's that. It seems to me to be an expectation on her part that she is invited but we don't have the room now and the excuses for the last meet up don't seem authentic tbh. She had just been on holiday when the exhausted excuse came up.

To add, she has always gone to stay with people much more than the other way round.

I am wondering whether it's more economical to stay with people rather than host as accommodation and meals are provided for her/them.

It really depends how important it is to keep the friendship going. Personally I would let things cool.

She's been using you. Everything is on her terms. I would hold back and if an invite isn't forthcoming I would let the friendship fade away.

I wouldn’t initiate any more meet ups. When she suggests meeting use the same excuses back.

OP. It’s alright if you invest a little less energy into this friendship.
Perhaps go radio silent for a few weeks and see if she reaches out. You might also use this time to examine if this friendship is one of those that meanders in and out of your life at this point. You likely have more fulfilling, well balanced friendships in place. .

Some are in your life for a reason, some for a season and the chosen few are there for a lifetime.

Does she pay for food/drinks/meals out when she visits you?

sounds like she enjoyed visiting you at your home because you were a great host but doesnt like people staying at hers as she doesnt like overnight guests/has relationship issues/doest have the energy to cook/clean/host or any other reason.

what would be your idea outcome? for her to invite you to stay the weekend (and pay for your tickets?).

if she doesnt do this are you prepared with doing the hosting/travelling closer to her to meet up without an overnight invite?

whatever the reasons I would cool the friendship down and see what happens.

Thank you for your responses. To answer pp question, no she doesn't pay for meals out. Infact, the last time they came to stay my partner paid for their meal out and we also provided the other meals for them at our house. She brings flowers and alcohol (which I know is a freebie from her job) so her expenses are quite small compared to mine.

I am going to step away from this friendship as it is blatantly one sided in my opinion after the excuses but I was wondering if I wasn't seeing it from her point of view ie she's contributing by travelling to me.

@lemongreentea, my ideal outcome would have been for her to share the load when I made it clear that I could no longer accommodate them/her but that looks unlikely so unless I continue to do most of it it's kind of doomed isn't it?

your ideal outcome seems fair and reasonable to me but not to your friend who has become used to doing the hosting/travelling.

I feel friendships like these are based on what is convenient for the other person and now it no longer works for you she isnt prepared to budge.

I guess it depends how much you want to keep the friendship?

that should say 'used to you doing the hosting/traveling'