Can anyone explain how therapy for past trauma works or helps?

[onwardsandupwards2022]

I just don't get it.

I understand that some things have happened to me that really shouldn't. I understand that it wasn't my fault etc. But it sometimes all still makes me very sad. Lately, I have actually been feeling a bit of anger too.

I honestly don't get how therapy, even with a trained trauma therapist, is supposed to work? How will sitting telling my 'story' (which I find uncomfortable and sometimes a bit upsetting in itself, just detailing stuff) actually help me?

I have had some great counselling for sort of smaller life issues, and that did help - ie when I was struggling hugely with confidence and study and it really helped (somehow? not sure how?) me find the courage to go back and finish my postgrad. So I do have some faith in therapy.

I have read a lot of theory but I'm still not sure I understand correctly, and I suppose part of me doesn't believe it can really help me even though I really want it to.

I just feel almost despair at the idea of spending lots of money just to feel awful. Maybe very serious therapy doesn't suit me? Telling people about some of the more painful things in my life (not growing up with my parents, for example) always makes me feel like a lost cause and a bit ashamed?

But I am not ashamed of myself, so then I get irritated by the whole idea of it

Is there such a thing as just being too private to benefit from therapy?

A lot of trauma therapy is not about talking about the trauma itself...as that can be retraumatising.

EMDR doesn't involve talking about it. Have a Google of it.

Yes I'm familiar with EMDR. I don't know if it is appropriate for my overall situation, which is not really one large traumatic event.

My friend had great results from it though, and I wonder about doing it someday for a specific thing that I still find really hard to do now.

I'm having EMDR now, for birth trauma, you don't really talk about the trauma, it isn't counselling/talking. It works for me. Have had it before for childhood abuse, also worked, without having to discuss in great detail. You do have to explain why you are there at the first appointment, what you want to tackle, but that's all. Sometimes things come up at the appointment to reflect on during and after. The appointments are quite short, it does bring it all up but not in the same way as endlessly discussing it or re living it. I had specific CBT for trauma too, a bit more involved talking wise, but that taught me different ways of managing my thought and reactions, why we react and behave the way we do around trauma super useful. I am at a point where talking about it doesn't help, I actively would avoid support groups or counselling, but that was helpful when I was younger. EMDR is treatment, active, helpful treatment, not offloading verbally. Highly recommend from my own experience, if that helps.

EMDR didn't work for me either due partly to multiple points if trauma (like you OP) and partly because something inside of me wouldn't let me engage with or access the parts is needed to.

I found that trauma therapy (or any therapy really) is hard. Really hard. But if you have the drive and desire to 'get better' and are willing to work through it then it definitely helps. Unfortunately there is often a bit of jumping through hoops to find what works best for you

Your post details why therapy won't suit you but also contains loads of clues as to why it would actually help. Sorry, I'm in the MN app so can't refer up to you post while I type. But the fact is you're questioning, you're not settled in some way, and it might take years but could be helpful.
I had multiple long term emotional traumas. Had lots of therapy with different therapists. I'm not sure one technique is better than another and maybe a lot is down to the therapist.
I did well from EFT and then EMDR (and obvs CBT but that's a basic foundation in any therapist's toolkit)

"I understand that it wasn't my fault etc. But it sometimes all still makes me very sad. Lately, I have actually been feeling a bit of anger too."
You're processing things on some level. The anger is a GREAT sign. Somewhere inside you have realised that your boundaries were broken, and your feelings about it are too strong for you to handle hence anger is felt

"Telling people about some of the more painful things in my life (not growing up with my parents, for example) always makes me feel like a lost cause and a bit ashamed?"
You're not alone. All of us broken people feel like that. You aren't a lost cause and you can definitely get better

"But I am not ashamed of myself, so then I get irritated by the whole idea of it"
Cognitive dissonance. You're trying to square a circle that you can't make sense of.
Therapy helps with exactly this

I'm currently going through therapy which I asked for to deal with one thing and it has brought up a huge amount of trauma I was trying to hide from. It has been so incredibly good. Until you recognize and understand what happened made you do things in your life, then you can't move on into happiness (for me anyway). My therapist happens to be superb as well, which is an obvious bonus.
She has made me look really hard at things that happened to me that I didn't really consider trauma or abuse but clearly were. I can now make peace with it and realise that the way I was treated was wrong and I have a right top happiness.
She is using Gestalt therapy which I had never heard of.

Sorry! That turned into a longer post than I had expected. Basically, if you work at, and be very open, it will change your life

@hidethetoaster

"I understand that it wasn't my fault etc. But it sometimes all still makes me very sad. Lately, I have actually been feeling a bit of anger too." You're processing things on some level. The anger is a GREAT sign. Somewhere inside you have realised that your boundaries were broken, and your feelings about it are too strong for you to handle hence anger is felt

I'm worried by feeling anger tbh? It feels like a step back!

In my 20s I had a few months of feeling really, really angry, encouraged by a so-called 'therapist' who then behaved very unethically towards me. Inappropriate touching etc.

So now I think I associate feelings of justifiable anger with that dickhead of a 'therapist' and feel it's all unhealthy somehow. Like it's taking me back there to the absolute worst period of my life.P
utting 'therapist' in quotation marks as he truly was a very dangerous man who attempted to take advantage of me, and despite having many qualifications and being registered etc they were not really a therapist at all just someone playing out their own dysfunction with vulnerable people.

My situation is slightly different because I had PTSD from one specific traumatic event. But o think a lot of the foundations still hold, I had trauma focused CBT which some people are not fond of because, unlike EMDR, it does involve a lot of talking about the event/events.
However, before that it started with lots of looking at my beliefs around what had happened and why (i.e I should have been able to prevent it). The reliving work was hard, but actually in some points quite beautiful. My therapy involved visualisation in which I spoke to myself at scenes during the event. It was very, very healing for me. But like someone else said it is hard and painful work and you have to be in it for the long haul.

@hidethetoaster

"But I am not ashamed of myself, so then I get irritated by the whole idea of it" Cognitive dissonance. You're trying to square a circle that you can't make sense of. Therapy helps with exactly this

I'm not sure I understand this, could you perhaps explain how cognitive dissonance is at work here?

I'm not ashamed of the pain stemming from my familial stuff. It's more a sense of disappointment or regret?

Now I am a bit ashamed of how that predatory 'therapist' treated me, that feels my fault even though it shouldn't. I feel like I was too trusting.

But not my muddled family issues.

I think its about finding the right mechanism for you to help you deal with the issues you want or need to deal with. And critically finding a therapist or councellor you can trust.

I'm an adoptive parent, I supported my son through therapy when he was 12- 14.
It was incredibly difficult for him and I can honestly say it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life .It was exhausting physically, mentally and emotionally for both of us.
On one level he of course knew none of his history was his fault and he had nothing to be ashamed of. But at a deeper level there was a lot to unpick, particularly about understanding his birth parent's stories and how that impacted them and in turn the consequences for him.
As hard as it was, I'm glad we did it. I think part of it is about acceptance, particularly to feel whatever it is you feel.
Its great that you don't feel ashamed about your past, but its ok to feel disappointed or regretful.
My son understands his history, he understands why his birth family behaved the way they did. He is still angry with them, as he has every right to be, and he knows its ok to be angry

Well, I have contacted a group practise and spoke to a coordinator who will put me in touch with a therapist they think will be a possiblity for me to work with. Small steps!

@Ted27

I think its about finding the right mechanism for you to help you deal with the issues you want or need to deal with. And critically finding a therapist or councellor you can trust.

I'm an adoptive parent, I supported my son through therapy when he was 12- 14.
It was incredibly difficult for him and I can honestly say it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life .It was exhausting physically, mentally and emotionally for both of us.
On one level he of course knew none of his history was his fault and he had nothing to be ashamed of. But at a deeper level there was a lot to unpick, particularly about understanding his birth parent's stories and how that impacted them and in turn the consequences for him.
As hard as it was, I'm glad we did it. I think part of it is about acceptance, particularly to feel whatever it is you feel.
Its great that you don't feel ashamed about your past, but its ok to feel disappointed or regretful.
My son understands his history, he understands why his birth family behaved the way they did. He is still angry with them, as he has every right to be, and he knows its ok to be angry

@Ted27 I am very glad it was helpful for your son, and then by extension for you as he is helped by it. Interesting to read.

Good luck with the therapy, and if you aren't comfortable with the therapist you are being put in touch with then talk to a couple of others - the therapeutic relationship is really important. In my area Mind have a large number of 1-1 counsellors and if you're not comfortable in the first session they are happy to switch you to someone else.

I think I kinda feel like you OP, if I think about various things I can feel the anger start to bubble somewhere inside. However, I'm worried about the anger not as a step back, but that if I explored it or allowed it out I might explode/break/fracture

Hello @onwardsandupwards2022 I’ve had EMDR therapy for a traumatic event and it really worked well. TBH I was very apprehensive going into it and has the same thoughts as you! I don’t know where you’re located but my therapist (female if that matters to you) was very good. Where are you based (roughly)

@Lainey1988 @ninnynonny any chance you could share your therapist details with me please?
I couldn’t figure out how to pm you.
Thank you!

I had therapy and it helped me to feel stronger, more confident and happier in myself while acknowledging and accepting things happened that were not ok. I learned to set boundaries. I may still on occassion get moments when I feel sad/upset/angry I can deal with these pretty quickly and they don't take over. My therapist was fab.