Another “stupid” in-laws post *huff*

[Blue89]

MIL and SIL have pretty much bullied me to the point I’ve removed myself from the situation as it was impacting my mental health. I gave birth 5 months ago SIL invited my husband and our son around. My husband had to tell her that I’m still breastfeeding so he cannot bring the baby. When they talk she completely denies my existence.

MIL and FIL are separated for nearly 15 years and married to other people. FIL used to be really lovely as did his partner. However, they e started to spend more time with MIL as they share the care of SIL baby as she’s a single parent. FIL wife even invited her to her baby shower next month. So there will be at least 3-4 people there who do not like me for reasons unbeknown to be.

Should I go?

FIL and his wife get annoyed I am still exclusively bf-ing as they’ve been asking to have our son over night for months. I’ve been told that bf is outdated and I can get the impression they think I’m doing it on purpose.

Now if I don’t attend the baby shower, I’ll be seen as the bad guy. I just feel miserable right now. My husband said if I decide not to go, he won’t either. However, this would look even worse because I’m sure they’re expending us not to.

Oh FIL Mrs has slagged off SIL and MIL to be in the past. I have a feeling she’s done the same to me to them. Paranoid much ha!

Excuse the errors. I’m too stressed to proofread my own piss and moans!

Your dh needs to take a stand and tell them that if they can’t behave they won’t be seeing any of you.

And since I’m assuming that they will never be having your baby overnight he needs to put them straight on that one too.

Breastfeeding is outdated? Yeah, nah, sorry mate, pull the other one it's got bells on. Breastfeeding doesn't fit in with their selfish desires and schemes.

You just go on breastfeeding your babe, and let them impotently mutter and moan.

As to the baby shower, I'd say to DH that it would make it harder for them to completely paint you as a controlling witch, if he went to represent the family, but you stayed behind, because you really shouldn't all be jumping to their beck and call.

Or alternatively, all go, but for a short time, as obviously you work to your baby's schedule. Which would get up their noses in all the right places.

@LuaDipa honestly I’ve had enough. I mean why on earth would I stop bfing for their benefit. They keep telling me that I need a break. Do I?

@mbosnz I know. It’s woman’s choice how we decide to feed our young. I enjoy bfing. She even looked down on me because ds won’t accept a pacifier. Apparently it’s my fault despite me explaining it’s some baby’s preferences. According to her, when her baby arrives they won’t have a choice. 🙄

Considering going but on the other hand I’m sick of putting people first just so I can avoid more trouble. FIL wife appears to be a shit stirrer and likes drama but who knows.

God, I’d be NC with this bunch of loons.

I'd refuse to go to a baby shower just because they're grasping awful gatherings. I'd rather bathe my genitals in acid.

Add to that there are people going who actively dislike you and make you feel uncomfortable then you now have two reasons not to go. Why should you worry about what they think obout you not going?

If she's pregnant why on earth does she want to have yours round overnight.
Shouldn't they be enjoying their uninterrupted sleep.

@Eightiesfan yes loons! @Collaborate made me lol. I just don’t like drama or for dh to get all the shit.

@jay55 sod knows. She’s planning to bf for 3 months only. They’ve allocated the baby the room farthest away from their room to get extra sleep.

That’s another reason I won’t allow them to have ds overnight. Their first grandchild they used to leave her to “cry it out” in a dark room by herself until she calmed down. We don’t do that with our son so we wouldn’t want him to go through that. If they’re r or committed to soothing him and investing proper time, why would we bother.

Where is your husband when they are slagging off your parenting choices? I'd probably go but get him to have some stock phrases 'our baby, our choice, its lively that you are so interested but criticising our parenting choices isnt helping' or something

Remember the three do's for GPs with boundary issues:

Do you love your grandchild(ren)?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do what the fuck you're told!

CLearly this has no relevance for GPS who respect you as parents, but those who don't...

@Underfrighter well the latest judgment of my choice to bf was to him in front of SIL. I wasn’t there. SIL also bf for only 3 months as she likes to drink.

@WinniesHunny fantastic list, absolutely agree!

If the inlaws are nasty to you to the point that some don't acknowledge you then I would simply avoid contact with them and of course your baby will not be seeing people who are nasty to their mother as that is going to cause all sorts of problems in the future once the child is old enough for the poison being dripped in their ears...

For me it was simple, why on earth would l leave the most precious perfect thing in the world to me, with people who hate my guts, disagree with everything I do and would actively sabotage my efforts as a mother?

DM hated my brothers wife. The woman could do no right in her eyes. When the first GC was born, it became very clear that civility was the absolute least they would tolerate and if they encountered any nastiness or comments all three of them would head straight for the door and not come back. So DM learned to curb her tongue if she wanted to spend any time with her GC.

Your DH needs to make it clear that you are all one unit and if they are shitty to one of you, they don't get to spend quality time with the others. So yeah, give them a short, sharp shock and all of you do something else the day of the shower. And DH needs to tell them all that "Blue99 get treated horribly by most people in this family at every occasion so she doesn't want to come to family occasions any more. Equally, I don't want to spend time with people who hate my wife, nor do I want my son around anyone who hates his mother."

@LittleOwl153 that’s what I’m worried about. How this will impact our son in future. I don’t want him to grow up thinking it’s ok for me to be treated a certain way. Or I don’t want him to be rejected at some point down the road once they realise they cannot poison his mind. The latter for me would be worse.

@Drinkingallthewine what was the reason your DM disliked her so much? I’ve asked why SIL what her problem is and the response I got was “I just don’t”. MIL denied having one but just excluded me from family gatherings including DH birthday lol. Can’t make it up.

You can choose your friend's but you can't choose your family. True. But you can choose whether to spend time with them.
If you and your DH want to stay in touch, fine but do it on your terms. They can come to you. You specify who, when, what time and for how long.
Did I read correctly..your FILS wife is pregnant/having a baby shower next month ?
If it was me I would be civil, but distant. They are putting your husband in an awkward position here so he doesn't need you issuing ultimata that he has to choose between you and them. It seems he sees them as they are and won't take their nonsense forever .

you child is not a toy for other people to have a go with having him stay overnight.
you don't need any reason to decline their offer.
just say, no thanks.
don't get into discussions trying to justify your parenting choices.
if they give their opinion or criticise, just ignore , or say, you are entitled to your opinion.
which is true. like saying curry is nicer than chillie. people can express their views. but it is just that. their view. nothing to do with your choice.
i would avoid them as much a possible. never behave or speak to them as if you owe them anything, or as if they are your employer.
you do not need their approval or agreement. you do not need to explain anything to them, or to convince them of anything.
just keep this fact to the front of your mind, and they will be insignificant.
good lucl.

Ditch the lot of them. Why should you out up with any of this?

By the time your son is 2yrs he will understand and take in what is being said about you - and when he gets older he will repeat it back to you as he will have been taught that that is acceptable as granny/auntie do it do its ok to treat mum like that.

@Drinkingallthewine is absolute spot on with the message...
"Blue99 get treated horribly by most people in this family at every occasion so she doesn't want to come to family occasions any more. Equally, I don't want to spend time with people who hate my wife, nor do I want my son around anyone who hates his mother."

I'd go to have some fun. I'd tell mil and dil all the shit fils wife has said about them to me. And if you had anything the other way around, id say that too. Then walk out and leave the morons to it, never see them again.

Don't waste another moment on these awful people.

New parents need support and encouragement, not judgment and criticism.

Just don't even entertain the notion of spending time with them.

just be done with the lot of them,save yourself the stress,they all sound not nice,

@Blue89
I'm not sure. SIL is very different to the women in our family and I think that DM wasn't able to connect with her on any level. Her way of child rearing was different to DM. She's quite highly strung and dramatic at times but she's highly educated and extremely intelligent and rather an intellectual whereas DM is solidly working class with education at primary level.
TBH I struggle to get along with SIL at times. But I am civil and respectful because she's my DBs wife and she makes him happy.