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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be buying things for DS and his partner?

20 replies

alamirbt · 22/03/2022 15:47

DS is 22 and his partner is pregnant and due in June. His partner also has an 8 year old from her previous relationship and DS is a stepfather to him and I treat him as my grandchild. DS is in his last year of university and works evenings to provide for them. His partner works parttime but she will be going on maternity leave soon.

I have been buying baby clothes whenever I see them and I have also bought them a pram, and they seem very grateful. DS has asked for a bit of money so they can buy a cot and other things, he's said he's asked his dad and that he's said no. I spoke to his dad (we aren't together but we are friends) and he has said we shouldn't be buying most of the things for baby and that they should've thought about money etc instead of having to ask us.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Throckmorton · 22/03/2022 15:53

If you and his dad aren't together, then do whatever suit you, your DS and his partner!

HermioneWeasley · 22/03/2022 15:57

It’s your money so it’s up to you but it’s not ideal is it? Your son is very young to have responsibility for an 8 year old plus a baby. What does he want to do with his degree?

AperolWhore · 22/03/2022 15:58

I would buy whatever you want to buy for them but I’d also be having a chat about how they will manage for money once the baby is here long term. You belong out now is fabulous but will they expect this help continually.

Spoiling grandkids is one thing but them relying on you long term is another x

Cheesewiz · 22/03/2022 16:00

Sounds like you have already been generous. When I had my first baby, I bought everything second hand, or was given free second hand baby stuff from friends and family. In my area there is lots of free baby clothes/equipment given away for free or very cheap on facebook. If you want to give them money that's up to you but you have already bought a pram and clothes so if it was me I would be saying no and they need to find whatever else second hand

babywalker56 · 22/03/2022 16:01

I don't see anything wrong with buying gifts/things for your dgc if you want too.

I had my first baby last year at 22. My DPs mum bought so much. The swing chair for the baby to sit in, the bottle set, the steriliser, the nappy bin, the baby changing unit. The list literally goes on. We would have had to buy everything ourselves if she didn't offer but we were grateful as we had more money to spend on other things.

I'm having my second baby the day after I turn 23 and this time round DPs mum hasn't offered to buy anything. I'm still grateful for everything she bought first time round as she didn't need to do it. My mum has also bought loads of things for both babies so that helps.

I think it's nice that you buy clothes everytime you're out as some grandparents aren't that generous. Maybe instead of giving your son money you can ask him what he needs instead? But if you're comfortable to help out with buying things and helping out financially then I don't think it matters what his dad says🤷‍♀️

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/03/2022 16:02

It does read as if your just been presenting them with the things you've chosen and bought rather than saying "I'll get the pram, send me a link to the one you prefer"

DowntonCrabby · 22/03/2022 16:04

YANBU they sound grateful and you sound like a lovely DM/ DGM

It’s none of ex’s business what you choose to spend your money on.

SickAndTiredAgain · 22/03/2022 16:06

I don’t see anything wrong with you buying things for your grandchild. We had several generous offers from parents/grandparents when I was pregnant with DD eg DH’s grandma bought our cot and it was all we could do to stop her buying the entire stock of mothercare!

I think that’s a separate issue to your son asking for money and I’d agree with your ex that ideally they’d have had the finances sorted. However, it’s not his business what you do with your money. I would talk to your son about the longer term - I guess he’s thinking he’ll be able to get a full time job post-uni, and therefore have more income?

TopTabby · 22/03/2022 16:12

It does read as if your just been presenting them with the things you've chosen and bought rather than saying "I'll get the pram, send me a link to the one you prefer"
Bit risky when some prams cost almost as much as a second hand car!Grin

Original poster
alamirbt · 22/03/2022 16:39

DS has said that after uni he'll get a full time job so they'll have more income. I haven't just been presenting them with things.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 16:45

You sound lovely.
Yeah they should have thought about how they'd afford it before they got pregnant but life doesn't always turn out the way we plan and they're very lucky to have you.

Bdhntbis · 22/03/2022 16:50

I get where he’s coming from and really they shouldn’t rely on you and expect it from their dad but if you want to buy it then it’s your choice. Both my pil and my mum gave us money/bought substantial baby things because they wanted to and it was lovely

1forAll74 · 22/03/2022 17:09

I would buy them second hand things, they have to learn to budget, if they are short of money at the moment. Nothing wrong with second hand items at all. and plenty to be found all over the place everywhere.

Calandor · 22/03/2022 17:09

God my sister is 29 and having a baby and my mum has bought her baby stuff. So have I... because we love her and want to help out with costs and basically it's nice to buy baby stuff for our new family member.

He's being a dick. You don't need to punish your son for having a child young by not helping him out when you want to 😂 Ignore the prat.

TheBeautifulMoors · 22/03/2022 17:56

Do that if you want but don’t expect the dad to be going the same. He’s right in that they should’ve considered the financial implications. He’s right to refuse to buy anything for them. They’re adults.

toomuchlaundry · 22/03/2022 18:01

How long have they been together?

Gotajobthrunepotism · 22/03/2022 18:13

We were well into our 30s when we had DS and financially secure. My mum still insisted on buying the baby pram, my dad bought us a tumble dryer (we never had a need for one before) and DHs parents bought the bedroom furniture. I think DM and DMIL must have bought hundreds of other presents too for baby

redbigbananafeet · 22/03/2022 18:34

@alamirbt

DS has said that after uni he'll get a full time job so they'll have more income. I haven't just been presenting them with things.
Who chose the pram?
MegaClutterSlut · 22/03/2022 19:04

Sounds like your ds is doing his best to provide for his family. If that were my ds, I'd help out too tbh

JustWonderingIfYou · 22/03/2022 19:16

I would buy good quality 2nd hand stuff to stretch the money further as sounds like things will be tight- Graduate and part timer on mat leave with a newborn and 8yr old.

Maybe offer a years worth of nappies or something practical/essential rather than pretty outfits as you can get bags of free clothes online.

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