To be attracted to someone else

[Trekkiemctrek]

Feel awful even typing this, and will try and be brief.

For context, I’ve been with DH for 10+ years and we have a 10 year old DC.

Over the past couple of years, when going on outings with friends, I’ve started to feel a certain way about a man that is also at these outings. It started out as just having a laugh, but lately I’m starting to get some intense feelings for him

I think maybe I’m feeling this way because my relationship isn’t great, and hasn’t been really for a very long time. I’m not attracted to DH, and never have been. However he is a nice man and makes me laugh, and all relationships take work right? If I’m brutally honest I’m starting to find DH repulsive. He doesn’t shower often (2x a week) and brushes his teeth even less, resulting in him smelling bad. He doesn’t wear aftershave either as he doesn’t like it. He has stomach problems so is constantly passing gas, which I know is a normal thing but it’s CONSTANT.

The sex is bad, and he’s a selfish lover. I’ve never had an orgasm with him, ever. To his credit* he does offer to do things to me to get me off, but I don’t want him to touch me - I’m not sexually attracted to him so it just feels weird. If it’s sex as least I know it’ll be over and done with soon and I won’t be pestered for a few days.

I’ve been with him for as long as I have because I do love him, although probably not in love with him. He gets along really well with my family, and our personalities are very similar. He makes me laugh and he’s the one I want to speak to if I’ve had a bad day.

But the attraction isn’t there at all, and he just grosses me out. I wish it wasn’t like this but it is. I’ve tried for years to get him to sort out his hygiene: withholding sex, being subtle, being blunt. Nothing works.

So back to the other man. It’s gotten to the point where I’m constantly thinking about him, borderline infatuated with him. I want to see him all the time. He’s nice, he smells nice, he’s CLEAN.

I wouldn’t leave DH for another man as that would completely break him, so I feel like I have to stay with him to keep him and everyone else happy. I don’t want DC to have to go through a parental breakup at such a sensitive age either. Plus, I couldn’t afford the bills on my own - I make much more money than he does, but I couldn’t cope financially without him.

I know DH is very attracted to me, and loves me to bits. But from my side it’s just a relationship of convenience, and not hurting him (because it would completely crush him).

I don’t really know what I’m looking for here, I just wanted to get this out to someone as I’m so confused and sad. This is the most honest I’ve ever been about my situation, no one else knows the full extent. It probably seems quite cut and dry from the outside, and if I was reading this I’d be thinking “he’s disgusting, leave him”. But it’s so much harder than that.

OP, you sound very conflicted.

If we remove the other man from the scenario for the moment - do you actually want to stay married to your husband?

Honestly, I don’t know. I think I’d rather suffer in silence than ruin mine, our child, and his life. Sounds very martyr-ish but that’s how I feel. If he cheated on me / left me I’d be relieved, and I almost wish that would happen.

The other man may be just a crush because tbh anyone would seem a better option to you at the moment despite all the good qualities of your dh. Seems like your craving affection? I'd find it impossible to be intimate with hygiene being an issue so I don't know how you manage that really. Would marriage counselling be an option? I really feel for you but I think the other man is just a distraction.

I knew my marriage was doomed when I found myself attracted to someone else. Similar hygiene problems put me off. I had been attracted initially but it waned over time…I never acted on my attraction but in the end our marriage did end. It’s not right to force yourself to stay when you’re so unhappy. Ultimately you can’t make him change.
Have you tried any counselling together or on your own? He probably doesn’t realise how bad things are but I’m guessing you’ve never told him you’re not attracted to him? I found individual counselling really helpful in deciding what to do (I told STBXH I thought we should separate, fortunately he was in agreement) and what I really wanted going forward.

I guess you have to ask yourself- is that any way to live?

No, I’ve never told him that I’m not attracted to him. The thing is he’s not ugly, he’s quite a good looking bloke. I’m just not attracted to him at all. I don’t think he’d agree to counselling, I can imagine his response would be “if I’m that bad then break up with me”. It’s difficult because I know this is completely one sided, he doesn’t want to split up. He’s so oblivious to how I’m feeling that it would probably completely stun him.

But I don’t think I’ll ever get the attraction with him, even if he cleans up and washes/brushes his teeth daily.

No it’s definitely not any way to live. But I feel almost like “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it”. He’s been like this for years and i haven’t done anything to sort it so I only have myself to blame for staying

Oh OP.

This is no way to live. It will grind you down - it already sounds like it is.

It's deeply disrespectful also, to your H. Absolutely, his hygiene issues & lack of skill / reciprocity in the area of sex are his issues, but thinking that way about someone, to the extent they repulse you, but deciding to 'put up' with them, is not a fair way to live.

That being said, of course it's not easy.

I think you need to get some counselling for yourself, to work out what to do.

Why did you marry him? The sex was always bad, you didn't love him?

There's a real chance your infatuation will spill over into an affair. That will devastate everyone far more, yourself included.

Why did you marry him if you are not, and never have been, attracted to him?

That’s a good question. I suppose I always assumed that attraction fades, but friendship doesn’t. I don’t really know in all honestly, we just get along so well that I couldn’t imagine not marrying him? I didn’t think I’d ever have that connection with anyone else.

I think what I find hard to grasp is if you never loved him & never had good sex, how you made it through the the early stages to find that connection / friendship you describe?

Is there any chance you did feel that sexual attraction once & forgotten, in light of his hygiene & other issues?

Because if so, perhaps there is a chance to recover your relationship?

I think that the fact that you are unhappy in your marriage does not necessarily mean that this other man is right for you.

"I’ve been with him for as long as I have because I do love him"

I don't understand how this can be true given what you've said.

"think I’d rather suffer in silence than ruin mine, our child, and his life."

You do sound martyrish, and getting divorced does not ruin people's lives.

I’d probably have an affair in your situation OP, if the other man is single. You’ve tried with your DH to get him to clean himself up, and as you say it would turn all your lives upside down if you split up. I’ll get flamed for this but maybe something discrete on the side could work under these circumstances. Life is short, you deserve happiness.

@MinorWomensWhiplash1

I’d probably have an affair in your situation OP, if the other man is single. You’ve tried with your DH to get him to clean himself up, and as you say it would turn all your lives upside down if you split up. I’ll get flamed for this but maybe something discrete on the side could work under these circumstances. Life is short, you deserve happiness.

Thats poor advice and we dont know whether the other man is interested or married.

The other man is a red herring. Your DH sounds disgusting and I'd be telling him exactly what you've told us, that he's grim, stinks, has bad breath and you don't fancy him because of it. If he's not prepared to maintain basic standards of hygiene out of respect for the person who lives/sleeps with him, he doesn't deserve you.