DS has a boyfriend

[boone7]

DS is 12 and has ASD, he is very good friends with a boy from his school and he seems to look out for DS. DS came home from school on Friday and told me this boy is his boyfriend, I told him it was lovely etc like I would if it was a ‘girlfriend’ and at his age I think it's just a close friend anyway and not a relationship. He then went to his dads and he came home after school today and he seemed a bit upset, after talking to him he told me that his dad has told him that he shouldn't be in a ‘relationship’ with a boy and has told him he needs to stay away from him. DS has told me he ‘loves’ this boy and doesn't want to stay away from him and doesn't understand why his dad said he can't be in a relationship with this boy.

I'm very annoyed at his dad but I don't know how to handle this, any advice?

what age is the other boy.

does he go to a special school.

I would be reluctant to encourage relationships in 12yo in general.
Have you clarified if his Dad's issue is with him being someone's boyfriend, or if it is with them both being boys? Obviously if it is a prejudice issue that's different from a concern about maturity.

The other boy is also 12. DS is in mainstream school. I'm not encouraging this but I wouldn't be able to stop it and as I said in my OP, I think its just a close friendship.

First of all, how old is the other boy? Are they about the same age

Secondly, does DS definitely know what is meant by 'boyfriend'?

Thirdly, does the other boy know that DS thinks of him in this way?

Fourthly, would your ex also have told your DS to 'stay away' from a girl he was describing as his girlfriend?

I can see why any parent would want to discourage a 12-year-old from saying they were in a relationship, but the 'stay away' thing seems very extreme to me. I can imagine that if I'd said I had a boyfriend when I was 12, my mum might have said 'You're too young to have a boyfriend, he's just your friend really! Anyway, what shall we have for tea?' but not 'stay away from that boy'. Unless there are things about this particular boy that seem inappropriate (eg age) then I think your ex is probably just being homophobic.

There is still, unfortunately, a huge amount of homophobia in schools and a lot of 12yr old boys are not open minded about boys having boyfriends. As he is still very young and has ASD, he may not be brilliant at navigating this and you may need to give him some support. I would also wonder how the other boy views their relationship. His dad may be worried that your son could be a bit vulnerable to bullying.

Yes, I think DS definitely knows what boyfriend means. DS told me the other boy has also told him that he ‘loves’ him. I think ex does mean it in a homophobic way as when DS was younger he would constantly say things that DS couldn't do for example, DS used to do gymnastics but ex had a problem with this as it's ‘girly’ etc.

Sorry but this just sounds homophobic and it’s your ex’s problem not yours or your son’s. Assuming it’s an age appropriate relationship just tell your ex to shut up and stop being so bigoted.

I work in an SEND school and they always have boyfriends and girlfriends and it changes regularly.
They’re not proper boyfriend and girlfriend as someone of them don’t even speak lol.

I’d be really angry with your ex.
Your son could just love his friend as a friend or he could be gay - either way he needs to know both of his parents support him.

If you’re on talking terms with ex I’d have a word and say to DS about how there’s nothing wrong with it but some people think boys shouldn’t love other boys.

I don't think DS understands homophobia etc, the ‘relationship’ is age appropriate, I don't talk to my ex as he was abusive and I wouldn't let DS see him as he refuses to go often but ex is very controlling