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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it normal to not want to be away overnight from DC?

20 replies

nervousnelly8 · 20/03/2022 22:05

2 DC aged 3 and 16m, never been away from the youngest overnight (she still BFs to sleep and overnight) and only been away from the eldest when in hospital having youngest.

2 days a week I work in an office which is 2 hours away from home, 2 days I WFH. It would make things much simpler work wise if I stayed overnight between the 2 office days so as to avoid one of the commutes. At the moment I split the days as it's very tiring to go back to back days. This week I have meetings such that I need to be in back to back days. The rational part of my brain knows I should just stay - I would be getting back after kids were asleep and leaving before they were up. But I feel extremely anxious about it, to the point it brings me to tears thinking about it. I worry that one of them will need me and I won't be there. And if they learn that I'm not there, that they just won't want or need me anymore. I had PND after my eldest and thought I had come through the other side, but the thought of being away from overnight brings up all these inadequate parent feelings. It sounds so pathetic when I write it down.

YANBU - it's normal to want to be there overnight
YABU - suck it up and get on with it, they'll be fine

OP posts:

Nutellaonall · 20/03/2022 22:09

I was gonna say both your answers are right. . It’s totally normal. But for the sake of your sanity and energy levels you should try leaving them just this once. It might be fine.

Ragwort · 20/03/2022 22:10

Presumably your DC would be with another parent? I would look at it from the other point of view, how do you think their other parent feels if you are not willing to leave them with their own DC?

When my DS was young I was very, very conscious about how he would cope if I was hospitalised or died ... I never wanted him to be over dependent on me (he is now 21 and we have a good relationship ).

However, in my experience many DMs do find it incredibly hard to leave their DC, a good friend of mine never wanted her DDs to have a sleepover or be away from her even up until their early teens.

ReeseWitherfork · 20/03/2022 22:12

I think it's really normal not to want to be apart from them overnight. Totally get the "they might need me and I won't be there". You lose me a bit at "they won't then ever need me anymore"... I don't think that's true. They'll have daddy (or whoever) to settle if something does go wrong and they'll be so so happy to see you when you return. If it was me, I'd probably force myself to do it so that I avoided four hours on the road. But I wouldn't be happy about it. And probably depends what the chances of success are with 16m. Mine went through phases where DH could settle him with milk in a sippy cup (albeit reluctantly) and phases where he absolutely would not have accepted anything but me and my boobs.

Pyri · 20/03/2022 22:12

It’s normal not to want to leave them but they would be absolutely fine if you left them so I’d do it

You’ll have people saying they left their 2 week old and others saying they have never left their 18 year olds, it’s just one of those things that people need to do for themselves!

Thursday37 · 20/03/2022 22:15

I’ve never left my DD (2.5) overnight, I think that’s perfectly ok.
They would be perfectly ok, but I still probably wouldn’t do it. You will be fine doing back to back for just a week. My commute is 1hr and 2hrs wouldn’t kill me. Wouldn’t want to do it regularly granted.
We move soon and my commute will increase to 1hr 20 min and I’ll be doing 2 back to back days most weeks (but then have 5 days at home).

Original poster

nervousnelly8 · 20/03/2022 22:20

DH would be with them and he is completely confident (and competent!). Eldest would be absolutely fine as DH has been dealing with most bedtime and night time wakes from him since DD was born. I have co-slept with DD since she was born and she is still up at least once in the night for a feed. It's only been a month since we moved her to her own room and get her started in a separate bed (I then go in and sleep the rest of the night in there when she wakes).

I think my worry is twofold - logistically I can't really see how DH will manage it if they're both up in the night. But that is secondary to the worry that not being there will be really distressing/damaging to the kids (especially DD who really doesn't settle for DH at the moment)

OP posts:

Nutellaonall · 21/03/2022 07:53

I’ve always co also with my kids. They want no one but me when I am here. They won’t even look at their dad. You fears covers his eyes and points for him to leave the room. But when I have been away they go to him and snuggle up with him instead.

Nutellaonall · 21/03/2022 07:54

co slept

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 21/03/2022 07:59

OP it is TOTALLY normal and I've been the same when staying away for work. However, needs must, don't burn yourself out a 2 hour commute is a lot. You are their mum, they love you and need you but they also need a present and healthy mum.

GeneLovesJezebel · 21/03/2022 08:02

It’s normal to want to be there, but it will get easier the more you do it.

FridayiminlovewithRobertSmith · 21/03/2022 08:04

Totally normal. DC much older and I still haven’t but probably could if needed to (but I would miss DC a lot!)

ShirleyPhallus · 21/03/2022 08:05

But that is secondary to the worry that not being there will be really distressing/damaging to the kids

Sorry but this is a little OTT, it certainly won’t be damaging to your children to leave them with their other parent!

shabbalabba · 21/03/2022 08:06

It's some ppls normal but not everyone's I suppose. Not mine anyway...

Clymene · 21/03/2022 08:11

It won't be distressing or damaging. Your children have two parents. They're not newborns and they'll be fine. It's the fact that your youngest still relies on you solely for comfort at night that's the issue. Would you consider weaning her off?

FoxyFoxyLoxy · 21/03/2022 08:16

I think it is normal not to WANT to leave your children.

What does ring alarm bells is being anxious about it to the point of tears, even though you know your DH is competent. I don't think you're completely over the PND.

shivawn · 21/03/2022 08:21

You won't be leaving them alone, you'll be leaving them with their dad. Its really up to you if you want to make the journey. In your case I would stay near the office rather than doing a 4 hour round trip when you probably won't even see your kids. It might actually be healthy for you to see that they can manage just fine for a night or 2 on their own.

Bdhntbis · 21/03/2022 08:22

The first time is the hardest in my experience but once you realise that they’re actually ok without you for the odd night then it gets easier and it sounds like it’d be better for your overall well-being to stay rather than be exhausted

TheMentalLoad · 21/03/2022 08:25

My DD is away EOWend for 1 night and has been doing this since she was 2.5 (now 7 nearly 8).

It's got easier as she's got older, but I'm glad we started so young, she can sleep away from home and without me, and it's just long enough that she can't wait to see me again.

I'm not saying it's the right option for you, but don't dismiss it due to missing them, you might like it or you might not.

Mybestyear · 21/03/2022 08:29

On the whole I think YABU. Children need to learn to cope with you not being available 100% of the time. To be honest, I think this is more about your needs than theirs (meant with kindness). It’s not like you are out partying! You will be a more rounded and “better” parent if you are not knackered from travelling and have a better work/life balance by reducing travel time. I’d also be a bit miffed if I was your DH and you were feeling unable to leave me alone with my DC for one night a week!

Original poster

nervousnelly8 · 21/03/2022 08:40

Thank you for all of the replies.

I recognise that the feelings aren't completely healthy. And it's definitely more about me than about them. They are absolutely fine with DH (and also, fine with my parents, fine with the nanny a couple of days a week etc.) It just feels like a huge leap to be gone overnight, and I'm not sure why.

I'm lucky - DH is not taking it personally. He knows it's not about him. Re. the breastfeeding - I had a really awful first 3-4 months with it with DD (tongue tie, mastitis, nipple thrush etc.) and a bad overall experience with DS as well, so I am really enjoying having a positive time at the moment. We are already slowly weaning off the daytime as I'm away for long days twice a week and only available for a lunchtime feed whilst WFH. Ideally I'd like to keep going with the nights as it works for both of us at the moment

OP posts:

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