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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend is bombarding me!!!

14 replies

ribenajuice · 20/03/2022 20:33

Last week I was going through a really stressful time. Generally me and my boyfriend have a great relationship I became really stressed and was beginning to take it out on my DP, quite often bringing the mood down. DP became upset eventually and told me he needed space and time to think about what he wanted.

Obviously I was heartbroken. I cried to my housemate, thinking it was the end. She was there for me and gave me advice but was very dramatic, constantly belittling my boyfriend and saying how toxic he was being, that is was “good to have her girl back” etc etc.

My boyfriend made contact a few days ago and apologised that he became overwhelmed, and we spoke for ages about ways I’m going to help myself, as well as things to help us improve, he was so so so supportive. I was obviously heartbroken that I thought we were going to end so we agreed to take things slow going forward and make some changes - we were both happy with this agreement.

We begun this weekend with a short night in at my empty flat - we had a good laugh and agreed to see each other again next week.

My flat mate came in and saw him leave the next morning - she was absolutely livid at me. Saying how she was so pissed off at me, how I obviously took none of her advice on board, that I have no idea what’s best for me, and that she doesn’t want to see me get hurt and she’s really pissed off.

I explained to her that I took everyone’s advice, I haven’t dismissed anything, and that we’re taking things really slow.
She came back with a sarcastic “yeah ending up in your bed, real slow”. Since then it’s been non stop digs about how I’m chucking her advice in her face, how she just wants to help and that it’d be weird if she wasn’t being ‘supportive’.

I decided to go stay at my parents for the weekend as I felt a bit overwhelmed.
Tonight she has bombarded me with texts about how pissed off she is, how she believed me when I said I was taking things slow. She also seems quite obsessive with me as she said that “I thought I got my girl back again and things are just going as they were again” (aka me not being available for her 24/7). She also keeps saying about how she’s been through it before and can’t bare to see me go through it (bearing in mind her ex was a manipulative toxic abuser and mine is not! Our circumstances are different).

I’ve asked her to give me a break but she just won’t, she keeps banging on about how pissed off she is, how me not replying to her texts instantly is “this is the treatment she gets for being there for me”, and that I don’t value her friendship.

I just feel like I’ve listened to her advice but she doesn’t need to keep telling me 5 times a day.

All my other friends have given their advice about being careful going forward, and it’s exactly what I have done. My parents and my friends have been so supportive of me, but my housemate. Am I being unreasonable here??

OP posts:
Lunificent · 20/03/2022 20:37

Some of what she’s saying makes sense but in the fact that she’s obsessively haranguing you is a bit disturbing. Do you want to remain friends with her? She sounds hard work.

IamnotSethRogan · 20/03/2022 20:38

Well your friend sounds quite intense but your boyfriend doesn't sound amazing.

I think my friends would be concerned of I had a boyfriend talking about ways I could "improve myself " and had me thinking I was always "bringing the mood down"

You should surround yourself with people who make you feel good.

thepeopleversuswork · 20/03/2022 20:46

They both sound like utter pains in the arse tbh.

In part the answer depends on what your boyfriend is like. Obviously you're painting the most positive picture of him possible at the moment. It's impossible to know based on what you've posted here if he genuinely is a keeper or if he's an arse who has let you down multiple times.

If he's as toxic as your friend seems to think, and if he's got form for this, she's probably tired of listening to the same stories and then having you slink back off to him. There's definitely a limit to the number of times you can cry your heart out to a friend about poor behaviour from a partner and then keep going back.

Having said that, she sounds very intense and full on. Even if your boyfriend is a complete arse, she shouldn't be haranguing you about it. You've made your decision, if she doesn't like it she should be distancing herself from you rather than trying to bring you around by shouting. It sounds as if she's way too invested and a bit of a bully.

They both sound toxic and codependent tbh. I would put a bit of distance between yourself and both of them and work on your boundaries.

RealBecca · 20/03/2022 20:47

Heartbroken is a strong word. Hiw long were you together?

You and BF dont have a great relationship if you thought he was going to dump you out of nowhere. And he came back after you begged and said youd changed.

I don't think your housemate is wrong in her observations, she obviously sees more than anyone else as she lives with you and it sounds like shes be holding her tongue for a while.

Shes way intense though.

AlisonDonut · 20/03/2022 20:48

Don't change for a man, find one that doesn't insist on moulding you.

GCNC · 20/03/2022 21:27

You had a bad WEEK and he needed space from you/you bringing the mood down? I can’t get a sense of what age you are or how long you have been together but unless you are both very young adults/have been together a very short period of time, this is incredibly unsupportive and not at all what I would expect in a relationship with any longevity in it.

Assuming you haven’t actually been abusive or otherwise god awful toward him, his reaction is a bizarre overreaction. If youve just had a shitty week and you’ve not been much fun to be around and this is his response…. 🚩 while I might not have gone about things quite the way your friend has I would certainly be concerned about you/him.

Cherrysoup · 20/03/2022 22:02

How much longer is your tenancy?

ThreeLittleDots · 20/03/2022 22:03

Were you being abusive to your boyfriend?

Do you own your flat?

eldora · 20/03/2022 22:09

Not sure why posters are twisting this around on to you.

Regardless of your relationship, this friend is behaving very oddly and is seeking to control you.

I would stay away from her.

SusieQ5604 · 20/03/2022 22:11

You need to GET RID OF BOTH and hope they end up together.

Prinnny · 20/03/2022 22:15

Do you often complain about him to her? Nothing worse than a friend who constantly moans about her fella but then refuses to listen to advice.

whysoserious123 · 20/03/2022 22:18

She's jealous But also right

whysoserious123 · 20/03/2022 22:22

Also you don't refer to her as a friend just as flat mate or housemate. Just a thought

Wiredforsound · 20/03/2022 22:36

They both sound like twats, to be honest.

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