To expect ex to entertain his child for one day a week and not return her early?

[Lovemusic33]

Been split with ex now for 6/7 years, he’s always been a rubbish dad to the DC’s. Dd2 is autistic and needs 1:1 at all times, she’s 16 so I understand that most 16 year olds look after themselves and probably get a choice wether they go to their dads or not but I need a break, I care for her all week, I entertain her, bath her, wash her, feed her etc…etc…
Is it too much to expect him to be able to entertain her for 8 hours a week so I get a break? He’s just messaged to say he’s bring her home early as she’s bored. The suns out, she’s happy to go for a ride in the car, go for a walk, to a park or walk around shops but no, he’s taken her to McDonald’s and now she’s wanting to come home. She didn’t go last week (refused) and next week she’s unlikely to go as it’s Mother’s Day.

I feel like I don’t have any time for a social life or time to myself. I a, parenting alone. Now she’s 16 he seems even less interested in looking after her.

Just text back and tell him you’re not at home

You need to start saying that you’re away from house and you can’t get back to the agreed time.

And in future, don’t be at home, just in case he drives past to see.

He gets my other dd to text (she’s 18, also autistic), she usually says they are in their way back, when my eldest dd isn’t with them he just brings her back, drops her outside and runs. If I wasn’t here he would get my older dd to look after her.

So you have the conversation with him where you say he must not drop them back.
But if you do you might find he doesn’t have them at all.

He is making it your problem that he isn't filling the day. If she is bored, he needs to do something about it, not pass the buck to you. As others have said, be out.

I will tell him next time that I am out but no doubt he will try and drop her home anyway and get my other dd to look after her.

How does he think I manage all week and during school holidays? He doesn’t ever take time off during school holidays to have her, never has her over night and never takes her anywhere nice. He takes her food shopping and to McDonald’s with his partner and that’s it. I feel sorry for dd because it must be boring but I do need a break from her and it’s the only way I can get one.

I will try and suggest a few things to him to keep her entertained, though I shouldn’t have too.

Do you access any respite?

He sounds terrible and like he takes no responsibility for her.

Can you have a straight conversation with him about the issue or will he not be receptive to that? If not I agree with others about not being in and tell him he needs to hand her over to you not drop and run, to ensure her safety.

You have my profound sympathy. My ex is exactly the same. He will make a big song and dance about taking her out to do something special with her and then bring her back after two fucking hours. Once a month.

I get one hour respite a week but at the moment have no respite carer 😬, I don’t have much help from family.

He won’t have her over night or for a weekend because he’s not prepared to do any personal care and not prepared to get up early (she wakes at 4am), he also says he hasn’t got space at his flat even though there’s a spare room. I kind of gave up trying to get him to do more because it’s a waste of breath.

She's 16, and you're expecting him to change after 16 years of shit ness ?

I am sorry, but he's never going to change. The only time off you're going to get is the few hours he's willing to do and by getting a carer eventually to take over from him.

He should change, but he won't. Ever. Don't waste your time and energy trying to get him to change. It won't happen. I wouldn't even bother sending her personally as he can't be trusted but I know you need a break. The best you'll get as I say is the few hours he is willing to do.

1 hr…..that’s shocking.
I wonder if pushing for more respite from the LA would be more fruitful than trying to get her dad to step up.

@Whatinthelord

1 hr…..that’s shocking. I wonder if pushing for more respite from the LA would be more fruitful than trying to get her dad to step up.

LA won’t give me any more hours because I can’t find carers to cover what they already give me, though the reason I can’t find anyone is because the money doesn’t even cover fuel to come and take her for a hour and there’s just a huge lack of carers.

I know he’s never going to be a good dad to her, I gave up trying to get him to be more involved a long time ago, it’s just frustrating. He has a new partner, gets to go out and do what he likes whilst I care for his/our DD. If I mention anything to him he just says “well that’s what you wanted when you kicked me out”.

I sympathise my ex is the same however he now won’t see our children at all now because they are “too hard” 4 children 2 with asd, before that he would only see them for one hour a fortnight, and wouldn’t take them to his or have them overnight he would only
Take them to the park next to my house for one hour eow, he hasn’t seen them at all for over a year now.

If he won’t provide care, does he have the resources and willingness to pay to give you respite?

As for being refused more than an hour, it’s pretty obvious you’ll struggle and the excuse is derisory. Could you get your local MP or councillor involved into changing this?

What is her 16+ educational placement going to be? And the plan for adulthood? If he is so useless, I’d put my energy into looking at the possibilities for residential colleges. You can’t keep this up forever and she needs to transition to adult arrangements. What’s in her EHCP?

@Thoosa

What is her 16+ educational placement going to be? And the plan for adulthood? If he is so useless, I’d put my energy into looking at the possibilities for residential colleges. You can’t keep this up forever and she needs to transition to adult arrangements. What’s in her EHCP?

We have just been turned down for residential 😞, I’m waiting to hear any day now where she will be going next year, LA want her to go to a local college with SEN base with a plan to look again at residential when she turns 18.

Ex pays bare minimum for both dc, dd1 will be leaving school in June and ex will probably half what he’s giving me for them which will be £100pm. Money is the big issue with him and one of the main reasons I left him, he’s very tight with money, he moans if he has to buy the dc anything, won’t pay to get in anywhere. When he lived with us the dc were not allowed anything new, luckily we had separate money so I would by everything for the dc.

I’m so sorry. That’s shit. He shit.

SN issues generally are such a long hard fight.

Can you appeal the LA’s decision? Muster energy for mediation or tribunal? I know it’s all such hard work. Maybe try the carer angle again too? (I know Disability services and education can be shit at talking to each other.) What’s it going to cost them if you crack under the ridiculous pressure?

Sympathies anyway. Your girls are lucky to have you.

When the LA finalise the EHCP do appeal, you can ask SENDIST to look at the social care provision too. Don’t bother with mediation, LAs use it as a delaying tactic.

The residential school I chose said they couldn’t meet her needs (not sure why) so it wasn’t LA that turned it down, it’s a privately run school so there was nothing I could do. One of the other placements I have chosen has an option of residential at 18+ but LA are unlikely to place her there.

It’s awful because the only way to get a residential place is to tell LA that I no longer want to care for my dd and it can’t do that. Because dd isn’t violent it’s unlikely she will get a placement until she’s 18+, even then it’s going to be hard. I haven’t got the energy to fight for more respite, I’m already in a battle for 16+ placement and about to start the battle for PIP. Everything is a battle 😢

Big hugs op. Your ex sounds like a grade A arsehole. My children have autism and it’s exhausting! If you’re ex can’t be bothered to take responsibility for care will he pay anything? I’d push hard for residential. Could your mp hey involved? The system for those with Sen is so utterly shit.

Is the independent residential school a wholly independent school or a section 41 independent school? That makes a difference. If it is a section 41 independent the LA can and must name it regardless of the school’s objections unless the LA can prove:

• The setting is unsuitable for the age, ability, aptitude or special educational needs (“SEN”) of the child or young person; or
• The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the provision of efficient education for others; or
• The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the efficient use of resources.

It also means you don’t need an offer of a place to appeal.

It’s not a section 41.
There reason was that they felt they couldn’t keep her safe and that she needed a smaller setting. It’s not a big school/college and is gated so I don’t understand their reasoning, there are children there with higher needs than dd. They also have a rule of the school being over an hour away from home for residential and this school is 50 minutes away.

Another placement have accessed her at school and have said she doesn’t need constant 1:1 and are offering her a place but it’s not residential (or not until she’s older anyway) but LA will push for the local college and it is DD’s first choice as it’s where a lot of her friends from her specialist school will go.

I am ok with having her home until she’s 18, would just be nice if I had a break from time to time, like a weekend away.