To think I’m being a PITA but not sure how to fix it?

[imapaininthearse]

Very, very good friend - twenty years older than me . Has known me since I was 17 and been a huge support to me for a very long time . We mainly ‘chat’ by emailing, she’s said to email as often as I like . Going through horrendous family situation and have been for years and she’s been like a substitute parent to me throughout .

At the moment I’m emailing her every single day - sometimes multiple . She says not to worry and says she doesn’t have to read/reply - but she’s too kind for her own good to be honest .

It’s reassuring seeking (ie I feel better/safer if I hear from her/know she’s still there) but I don’t want to be doing that every day, that’s insane (wrong choice of word perhaps, given what’s going on at home for me) . She has a very busy job, stressful home life and doesn’t need me complaining on a daily basis .

I want to cut down contact to eg once a week/once a fortnight but I’m scared if I just stop emailing she’ll worry . Plus it’s a bit … compulsive .

Im not sure how best to sort this without losing friendship - I think I need to make other friends (she’s my only friend at the moment) and manage my mental health better but I’m not sure where to start or what to do .

I’m very, very lonely and sad and scared most of the time .

I don’t know if that sounds ridiculous or makes sense, I feel so stupid for it and worry she’s probably laughing at me behind my back .

Stope sending them all? Is it the process of writing it all down that helps you? You could try carrying on with that, but only send one a week? Have you seen your GP about your mental health? That might also help?

Do you get comfort from actually writing down your thoughts? Or do you need her response?
If it's the former could you email yourself?
If it's the latter, could you make a decision to email every other day for a while, to see how that works for you, then every couple of days and so on, so you feel you are still getting the support she offers, but don't add to your feelings of guilt?
I am so sorry you are going through a tough time, have you looked at support groups you could access?

Have you thought of finding a professional therapist?

It's the best thing I ever did.

Tell her what you’ve said here, that you’re conscious you might be emailing her too much at a time when she is busy in her own life, so you will email her once a week from now on.

Any chance you could get a counsellor? Or just post in Relationships, there have been some threads that have gone on for years.

Why don’t you say something along the lines of thanking her for her generous support, tell her how much it has meant to you and say that you are going to cut down on the amount of emails as she gone above and beyond.

Let her know what positive steps you are taking.

And ask if there’s anything she’d like to talk about or anything you could do to support her. If she has a busy life, maybe she needs someone to listen to her as well.

Let her know you'll be cutting back contact, reassure her your confident in trying this.

This level of dependence is not good from anyone.

Write the emails and don't put her email address in so they just get sent to your drafts?

I’ve just started therapy (NHS) last week, I’ll mention it to her, that’s a good idea . GP knows, as I’m very quick to seek reassurance from them as well .

I think it’s more the response to be honest, writing things down does help a lot but then I find myself checking my emails a hundred odd times waiting on a reply .

It’s driving me mad, and it’s very unfair on her as she’s had bad news recently too .

I’ll have a look at relationships board too thanks

You're aware so that's good 😊
Why not write a journal instead? Would that help?
Or you could type out an email with a view to only sending the parts that still seem relevant/important by say Sunday evening. Cut out anything you've 'solved' or overcome.

Just TELL HER "I'm getting my act together so reducing daily contact, just letting you know so you won't worry. "

You need to find ways to reassure yourself. Are you going to be doing CBT with your therapist? Your friend sounds amazing but you are right to think you are overburdening her.

Also agree with writing a reflective journal and instead of writing down only worries and problems try to balance it with noticing the beautiful spring weather, birds singing, music you like etc.

I hope you feel more peaceful soon.

I’ve emailed her and explained , I’m 99% sure she understands (she always says to stop being so daft) but it’s compulsive (I’ve got a diagnosis of OCD) and that isn’t healthy at all, or very fair . I’ve said to her I’ll email in a fortnight, hopefully that’ll be OK .

Op, you sound so lovely and self aware and I hope things get better for you soon.

Best of luck - fortnightly might be a big step from daily communication.
If you're overwhelmed MatildaTheCat advice with writing a reflective journal is positive.
Don't be afraid to send your friend a chirpy update during the week keep her from worrying.
It's always scary when someone who is suffering with head-space issues decides to go off the radar.

She says that she understands & looking forward to hearing from me in a week . I’m terrible at keeping a journal, I always feel stupid writing my thoughts down to myself, but I could try . I suppose as you say I could still type the emails but just send them to myself too .

I think what I need to do is try to make other friends but I don’t even know where to begin . I used to work full time and had good friends through my job but I’m in a much more difficult situation now and it’s no longer possible to get out and see people .

I’ve got a therapy aooointment on Wed so that might help with some things at least .