to want to avoid MIL

hmm I guess she was just concerned. But I wouldn't have liked it either.
you are her mother, and as such you get to make the decisions on whether she is ill, where she gets fed etc etc.

I hate the not handing the baby back when you request it thing though. Have a couple of relatives who do that too and it's very frustrating

YANBU - but take comfort, I think she was just worried and did overstep the mark but your response was the right one.

You say you normally get on well and though life would be a whole lot simpler if your dh had a word, it's possible that her actions the next morning could suggest she appreciates that her behaviour was inappropriate.

Try to be calm and give her the benefit of the doubt this once.

If she ar*es up again... well that's a different story!

Forgot the on the end of that!

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Sounds like she doesn't intend to undermine you but she is, it takes such a confident mother not to let this sort of thing get to you! My MIL used to take my first baby from my arms and it used to get my stress levels so high that eventually, whenever we were at her house, I couldn't relax at all and the tension spread to the baby and it was nothing but fussing and crying, and I couldn't calm him down, so you start feeling like you really ARE a bad mother.. and so on and so forth. I only had one strategy and that was avoidance so I can only offer sympathy not advice. I feel for you but stay strong! Think of it this way -- if she could really remember what it was like to have a babe in arms, she would remember how damaging and unpleasant this sort of interference is! So really you do know best, and even if you don't know best in some situations, it's only by being with your baby through these things that you learn together. Anyway long, sorry, but sympathy to you. I think avoidance is so important that while your dh is naturally protective of his mother maybe you need to say 5 nights is too long (I mean it really is an awfully long time) without having a go at her too much. You don't want to end up feeling totally alone on this, which could happen if there is a huge row.

Sorry slightly hijacked that -- brought back awful memories! Would echo easywriter on needing to talk to dh and dh possibly having a word, then she knows you have his support which is so important.

I do agree with you that it is not a good plan to just take a baby from the mother without asking, however, MIL had probably been laying in her bed worrying for the whole 40 minutes so she was proabably really anxious. I would also think it was OK for her to walk in without knocking, given that your DD was crying etc.

I think probably you should forget about the incident and not say anything to her, because her motivation (ie caring about your DD) was right. I'm not sure it would help if your DH spoke to MIL about it, because she was trying to help. MIL/DIL relationships are really hard, but overall on balance, yours does not sound like a witch!

I think it is unreasonable for your MIl to walk into the bedroom without knocking and your DH should mention this

Just to give the other point of view - whenever I stayed with my parents when my boys were babies, my mam AND my dad would come into the bedroom and offer to take charge of the baby if he was crying and keeping us all awake (they would always knock first though, I do think your MIL is out-of-order on that point). I was usually just grateful that they had offered, but I know that my DP used to get irritated by it.

If your MIL is a strong, confident type, then she presumably wouldn't be too upset by you having a word with her about it. 'Look, I know that you were trying to help and we are grateful for all that you do for us, but when you tried to take the baby away from me that time it made me feel really undermined.'? How would she react to that?

i would say YANBU, but i think she was doing what she thought best, but not handing the baby back was out of order!

agree with policy wonk on having a chat and just saying, look i understand you were doing what you thought best, but i was dealign with it and felt like you were trying to bypass me.

how do you feel she would react?

Are you sure she wasn't just pissed off that the baby was crying & keeping her awake?

Maybe she wanted you to feed the baby downstairs so she could get back to sleep..

fwiw, on NYE my drunken MIL dropped my dd & then fell on top of her.. I'm still speaking to her.

I think this is one of those generally cool MIL one-off bad experience give benefit of doubt things.

YANBU to feel the way you do, but I think you'd be unwise to let it affect your relationship based on one incident.

If you say three nights and that's accepted you will feel stronger automatically, just from being slightly more in control from the off. I suppose I have just thought of one more suggestion. That is, offer dd to MIL when she's absolutely fine so that MIL gets a good "dosage" and you don't look scratchy and possessive. But confidently take her back whenever a squawk starts and don't take no for an answer. A second refusal to hand her back to you would be very very difficult for her. But all that said, you know how terrible it could be if relations really went downhill. The problem is it's always the new mums who are seeking to be tactful and not offend when the MILs, who aren't under any "new baby" stress at all, seem free to steamroller over everyone's feelings! hope everything works out peacefully x

Beware of setting a precedent that you may not be truly comfortable with re. asking advice.
What happens if you choose to disregard the advice you get?

MIL's with the greatest of respect can be full of it. I guess it's time that makes them forget.

We had/have a tough time toilet training dd's. MIL's helpful comment during an accident was that 'her boys never had any accidents' lucky dp pointed out that clearly that was boll*cks (though in much more polite language).

Sushi, you sound like a real peacekeeper and thumbs up to you. Can I give you a word of warning. I'm sure your MIL is much much more tactful than mine (trying to be diplomatic and not war-mongering) BUT if you start asking her advice you may find that she sees it as a green light to offer you free advice (ie tells you what to do) whenever she feels like it. Which can be ever so slightly ENRAGING. Not that my MIL did this. Golly I am getting really cross again after all these years.

Look out. Above all don't let it damage your relationship with your baby.

I need to go and punch something now.

Good luck!

But feel free to ignore all advice quite frankly even on here. Hold this thought it's your baby and you know what's best.

I know what you mean cat. I have two boys and no girls, and frankly some of the posts on MN make me absolutely quake to think how my future DILs (if I have them) will regard me.

sometimes they desrve all they get!

agree with cat, what a great post, think I'm trying to back mil's up because I have one ds and I shall probably be regarded as the mil from hell for trying to be involved, judging by some of the posts on here!!!

Do that Sushipaws. (but of course all advice from me qualified by right of advicee to ignore it totally!) Even when you're wrong about your baby, and everyone is sometimes, you're the right person to be wrong about her, if you know what I mean.
er what? but I'm sure you do
x

Re advice of MIL's the main reason it gets shot down in flames is because is usually out of date by 20-30 years.

Actually mums usually know best!